Asking for help

[Boymama87]

Context: I am 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. I have severe PGP and SPD and am struggling to walk and move. I have crutches. I have a 5yo and a 3yo. Eldest is in y1, youngest goes to pre school 3 days a week. I am now on maternity leave from my job so have 3 days (in school hours) to rest finally but am main caregiver to the boys for obvious reasons (and I want to be).

My retired parents (in their 60s, very active people) live 10 mins drive away. I find it very hard to ask them for help because they say no a lot and I basically always take it as, they don’t love me enough to help (aware this is my issue not theirs) and it always comes with strings attached. They tend to assume what I need help wise which is often incorrect. They don’t do any regular child care, have had the boys sleepover once (at the end of this summer) and only really ever offer in emergency situations to help. They don’t just do things with them because they want to spend time with their grandchildren. They have no other grandchildren.

On the rare occasions I do ask, it’s because I REALLY need it. They have been on holiday for the last 4 weeks and got back this week. I haven’t seen them yet but my husband dropped something off at their house yesterday that they’d asked for and they asked how I am. He told them I’m not doing well re the PGP/SPD and things are very tricky with me being the main caregiver to our boys and him working full time. They said, well we are back now so we can help. He told them helping with some school pick up and drop offs would be gratefully received as I can’t walk without being in agony. They said they don’t want to do drop offs because it’s too early but might do some pick ups if we need.
AIBU to be upset by this response?

For further context there is now only one week left until half term. I wouldn’t ask them to do all 4 (Fri is an inset day) but if they could do 1/2 drop offs and 1/2 pick ups this would be seriously helpful right now.

They've offered to do pick ups, so why are you annoyed they won't do both?
I'd say that was quite a reasonable response. They have said what they're happy to do. I thought you were going to say they said no.
I'd have thought doing pick ups was better for you because unless you were expecting them to come to the house And get it all ready, you'll be doing lots at that point anyway.
And also I'd expect it to be easier for your dh to do the start of the day rather than the pick up which is normally part way through a working day.

It's your choice to not ask them to do them all, but I don't see what the difference in asking them to do all pick ups or half the pick ups And half the drop offs. Ask them if they mind doing Monday to Thursday pick ups.

And I don't think not having had sleepovers when the oldest is only 5, is particularly dreadful. Yes some people will, many won't.

Take them up on the offer of pick ups, that’s helpful isn’t it? Can your partner do some
drop offs before work even if he starts late?

i don’t think you’re being unreasonable, my parents are in their 60’s and both have health problems but I can say without any doubt they would offer to do both school runs, they’d do my food shopping, my mum would offer to do my housework, without any strings attached, without being asked either.
it’s what family are for, it would only be for a short amount of time too.

They have offered to help. You just have an expectation of getting more than they’re willing to give.

I do get why you might feel upset though OP, if one of my DDs was in agony and I could help out I absolutely would be, doesn’t matter how old you are they’re still your parents, just seems a little uncaring of them. You’re not asking for much really

I get why you’re upset, but ultimately you’ll only make yourself miserable hoping for more from them.

Take them up on the pick ups and go back to bed after drop offs. Hope all goes well for you 💐

Hire in some help.
And or Your dh needs to speak to his work so he can do drop offs or takwe the time off
Or hire a nanny or au pair type person
Your parents are not willing and you cannot make them
You decide to have 3 dc you have to make arrangements. Was it a decision made with your parents and they signed up to being there?
Morallly sure would be nice but reality is you cannot have expectations and need to make other arrangements
First in line is your dh to take time off work as needed

And take them up on whatever they are willing to do .
But maybe some paid help is needed for a few weeks

Your retired parents are aware of your struggles. Its good.

I'm not surprised you are upset OP.

Unfortunately from the background information you provided it's more of a surprise they offered to help at all.

I couldn't ever imagine being so uncaring to a dd who was struggling as you are.

Unfortunately, some grandparents just don't want to be involved. They are entitled to their own lives and possibly are afraid that with baby no 3 on the way, they will get dragged into giving a level of support they aren't comfortable with.

Not unreasonable for you to feel upset and disappointed that they can't provide more temporary support, but now you know this is how they are, it would be unreasonable to continue having expectations of help and being disappointed.

I would take them up on the pick ups, maybe older DC could do breakfast club if school has one so DH can do drop off on the way to work? Can any of their friends' parents help with drop offs for the older one?

Thanks all for your responses, it’s good to get a mixed set of opinions because the majority of my friends have very involved parents so they are always surprised how little mine want to be involved. We always try to manage by ourselves and ask for help only as a last resort because we know they don’t want to.

@cestlavielife I have looked into hiring some help but can’t find anyone available. I had booked them into more wrap around care where this will facilitate my DH doing drop off/pick up, but on some days he can’t regardless of the time as he works all over the place/has meetings that cannot be moved due to the number of other people attending. He has taken a few days of holiday here and there in the last couple of weeks as a consequence to enable him to be available. I do feel we are doing our best between us without trying to expect too much. And no, obviously having a 3rd child wasn’t a decision made with them helping in mind, but my previous 2 pregnancies were not like this and I did not anticipate becoming essentially immobile. It has been an unforseen consequence.

Agee one hundred percent

Have you picked up a phone, told them you are struggling to walk and explained what help you could really do with? They may feel your husband could do more and that he should be doing the drop offs.

They have active lives of their own and you are asking them to disrupt those lives for you. What have you ever done for them? How have you responded to whatever help they have given you in the past?

Those who have involved, supportive parents are the ones who have been there for their family and been grateful for past help. I'm currently considering cutting off future support for those who cant be bothered to say thanks for gifts. Which are you?

That’s an interesting reply @anyolddinosaur , and I suppose indicative of the fact that you don’t know me so i shouldn’t be offended. But I am hugely involved and helpful with my family. I bend over backwards to ensure I support and am there both practically and emotionally for everyone in my family. I’m extremely sentimental. So I will try not to take offence at the tone of your reply and remind myself that you don’t know any of this.

Theyve offered to help, its just you have an expectation of getting more help than they are willing to do. If your strugggling I would take any help they offer. Yabu.

I remember trying to hire someone for the odd hour here and there being impossible, au pairs are expensive and need longer shifts to make it worthwhile. Negotiations with other parents can help but you’d have to do your share too.

It's very hard but you just need to try and accept that's the way it is and it won't change. People on here have a realllllly low bar when it comes to helping family which isn't representative of real life.

My Mum lives 2 minutes away and isn't interested in helping in any way with my 3 kids. Luckily my MIL is extremely helpful and is always there for us when we need her. Now she is in poor health we are returning all the help she has gave us over the years. She has taught me so much about how a family should be (IMO) and all pitch in together and help each other when times are tough.

There's nothing you can do to make them want to help you, as sad as it is. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I would also say that offering to do pick ups but not drop offs isn't unreasonable. My DM (admittedly older than yours, early 70s) has always been very good help wise, but once she retired she got out of the habit of early starts, and it makes her tired if she has to get up early, so we know not to ask her for something that would involve her getting up much earlier than normal.

I also found a big difference between how DM was in her early to mid 60s and how she was late 60s approaching 70, post retirement. Much less flexible, her energy didn't go as far, and she is much more attached to her routines. She went part time at work in her early 60s and did a day a week childcare for DS2 and after school care for DS1 2 days (she was still working when DS1 was wee), but if we'd had DC later, I don't think she'd have managed what she did then.

What you are seeing may be less about "not wanting to help" but a reflection of your DP capacity, energy and appetite for regular commitments or doing things outside their comfort zone as they age. People can become more insular and attached to their routines and their own ways of doing things.

I think your dh will have to take more time off work as annual leave. What is more important ultimately ? Or if he cannot and job is well paid then call some agencies. But keep asking around if some one knows a childminder or nanny who has extra capacity or a young person in between jobs or someone who does cleaning you can trust to do drop offs and help around house. Try an agency?