No Contact

[AnniePortinastorm]

My best (and probably ony) friend discovered a lump in her breast around the middle of 2024. I have done my utmost to be supportive. I sent daft texts almost daily, flowers weekly and tried to spend as much time with her as possible. This wasn't a chore, and I'm not after kudos for this. I genuinely care - we've been through a lot together over the past 30 years. She has a large supportive family and lives around 35/40 minutes away. I don't get out much these days, having a clingy little dog - I need someone here to go out for any length of time.

About 6 weeks ago, one of my cats began acting strangely, and after 3 vet visits she was referred to a specialist vet hospital and had brain surgery to remove a mass. When we got her back after a week, she needed 4 hourly meds and was confined to the summerhouse for just over 3 weeks. I messaged my friend saying I wouldn't be able to come over as I was solely responsible for her care. She did respond to the message, and we exchanged several WhatsApps

I've not had a word from her since. She hasn't asked after the cat, or me - I nearly had a nervous breakdown caring for my little cat. Especially as on her first full day home she had a massive attack of the sh*ts in my daughter's bedroom, floor, bed, curtains, windowsill, radiator and herself. It was literally pouring out of her. I was distraught. Took an entire afternoon to clear up - that's why she ended up banished to the summerhouse.

I'm just everso slightly annoyed that my friend hasn't contacted me at all to ask after the cat. My friend has finished all her chemo and radiotherapy and her prognosis is good.

The cat is doing well, but only time will tell, they couldn't identify the mass and there maybe tiny pieces that were missed.

Am I being unreasonable to be hacked off with my friend ? It's been a month now.

I think that is very poor that your friend hasn't shown any interest in your cat or you OP.

Even if she isn't a cat lover herself she must know how much you care about the poor thing and common decency would dictate that she asks how it's doing and how you are managing. Especially when you have been so supportive of her.

I'm glad your cat is doing ok now OP.

I have cat friends who would be all over this. I have non cat friends who would say something kind and forget a few minutes later!

I don’t think you can compare your reason for messaging her daily to your poorly cat though. So if you do call her out don’t mention your support when you try to reason with her.

Omg I can’t even imagine comparing cancer to a cat. I get that she’s doing much better but I can imagine that her life is pretty busy with other things. I’m sorry about your cat but presumably she did message you at the time and thought it was enough. Also she might just be a bit traumatised from it all and wanting to avoid medical talk for a bit

She's had cats, but mostly dogs. There is no way I would bring it up with her. But everyone else who knows, and knows we so nearly lost the cat, has asked after her. And, she knows, because I've said so, my animals are like my 'grandchildren' as I'm never likely to have any.

She could ask. Others have. It just all seems a bit one way. Over the past 18 months I have initiated ALL contact. She has never messaged me first. I would never compare a cat to a person and I'm not now. But is a quick "how's the cat" too much to expect? Or " how's it going".

So youve sent her messages and shes blanked them? Is that right?

She might not have the emotional capacity to be there fully over your cat at the moment. Ask her how she is. You don't really know what is going on for her. I can completely see how a lot of texts about your cat might have been too much for her with what she is going through.

Of course your cat is important and yes, ideally she would ask after it, but depending on the conversation, it might just be more than she can give right now.

Unless your messages had the tone of the person who told me they knew just how I felt losing my child because their cat died last year. No, you really don't. I couldn't reply to that one either.

Did ‘all the other people’ that contacted you have cancer too?

Thought not.

Your friend should be higher in you’re hierarchy than the cat who probably should have been euthanised.

Really sorry about your cat and hope things are starting to look up. Do you normally message regularly with contact initiated by both of you? If not, then this doesn’t sound different than usual. Is it possible that your (only) friend doesn’t feel as close to you as you do to her and she might not have had the bandwidth for messaging a not super close friend about their cat?

I have cancer, and 18 months after diagnosis, especially for breast cancer is still very much in the thick of it. I have people who messaged me a year ago who I still haven’t responded to. Your entire life gets turned upside down (as you are seeing when it’s not even you who are ill, but your cat!).

It’s entirely possible that she has recently gotten bad news. It’s prime time for recurrence for primary breast cancer. I know someone diagnosed mid 2024, finished treatment in December, and she’s just gotten news that it’s come back in her liver and brain and is incurable. I know myself if I was in the thick of that and someone was messaging me about their cat I’d be pretty much at the end of my rope with them. I would give her some grace given you know she has had an absolutely awful year and a half and you don’t know what she’s going through right now (and maybe she hasn’t wanted to burden you with it).

That said, it sounds like it’s time to build up your village. If she is your only friend and you’re doing all this work and still unhappy with the friendship (and frankly, there is every possibility she may not live a long life), you need to build a stronger support network for yourself and not just rely on her.

One has. And he's not long lost his partner to cancer. Five years ago he lost his wife to cancer He loves animals. Similarly another has Parkinsons, recently diagnosed, they are animal lovers too. When you get to my age, most of the people you know have some sort of debilitating illness I'm afraid.

We are close, for over 30 years. She particularly wanted to tell me in person of her diagnosis. I cried with her. I'm almost certain that, if she'd had bad news, she would have told me. She knows how I feel about my, and all animals.

I sincerely hope that you recover.

No. We exchanged a few messages when I told her I'd be stuck at home for a month and wouldn't be over. This because cat needed 4 hourly meds. I haven't messaged since, and neither has she. I just feel a bit bad messaging about the cat's health when she's been so ill.

My friend is fine. No drama. Messaged to say I was over her way, short notice so she couldn't make it. Seeng her next week. As I said, no drama. Cat on the other hand, not quite so good, but that clearly not important.

It’s not a competition and there aren’t rules for comparison. Just because a cat isn’t as important to you doesn’t mean not everyone thinks that way.

@AnniePortinastorm I hope your cat is much better soon and makes a full recovery.