To think it's not as simple as just leaving?

[LeaveHow]

We have 3DC. One with disabilities.
I wish I could leave and never see him again. But how do people say that as if it's so simple.

I only work part time, a family member does the childcare for DC on those 2 days during school holidays and after school, DC1 couldn't go in holiday clubs.
If I left I couldn't afford the mortgage. Rentals are extortionate. Moving away somewhere cheaper would take me away from family support and employment as well as DC1s specialist school. Husband would make things as hard as possible. I wouldn't want to leave the DC alone with him for extended amounts of time for contact either, especially DC1.
So the better option for the DC seems to be staying, but it means years more of being desperate to be away from him for me.

I really feel for you. Do you still sleep in the same room? Is there a spare room so you can live together as a separated couple?

I’ve never heard anyone say it’s simple. But it can be done. You would have to be prepared to go into a hostel and go through a horrific period of uncertainty around housing which would be disruptive to your children and drive you to the edge. You’ve added lots of other reasons that would make it even further from simple. But it can be done. I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Is he abusive?

of course you’re right, it’s not “just leaving” when children are involved. It’s complex and overwhelming and takes a lot of time to wrap your head around the practicalities and logistics, let alone the emotional impact.

I've never heard anyone saying it's simple.

For many people it'll be the hardest thing they're ever had to do in their life.

But if it needs doing, it's normally for an exceptionally good reason.

And let's face it, if a relationship is that bad then he could decide to end it anyway, so by ending it yourself, as least it's not sprung upon you.

He wouldn't leave. That would make it slightly easier, but it won't ever happen

It isn’t simple for anyone OP. Nobody with kids really ‘just leaves’. Obviously it’s doable if you need to though.

It feels like a choice between staying being awful for me and fairly stable for the DC, and leaving being hard but a relief for me, but awful for the DC.
So it seems like it's not really even a question as I have to put them first.

Can’t be great for them at home if you don’t want to leave DC alone with him for long can it?

It’s an awful position to be in, and you have my sympathy. Only you know just how bad it is at home, but please do not underestimate how damaging growing up in an unhappy home can be. Not trying to sway you (and certainly no intention to make you feel worse! Far from it!), just thinking on a study I read around Mums happiness and the effects on children and my own experience.

Of course it's never simple - it's usually difficult, painful and disruptive. That's not to say it can't be done, just that you have to get through the awful bit to come out the other side.

You say you stay for the children - it is never good for children to have a desperately unhappy mother or tensions in the home. However much you try and hide it, children do pick up on it. Leaving is difficult and upsetting for the children in the short term but having a peaceful happy home in the longer term is the goal and it is worth it.

It's not simple or quick most of the time - but in the long run it's better for your DC and you to not be living in misery

I left earlier this year. I am so much lighter

As others have said, nobody is saying it is easy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it or that it isn’t the answer.

I’d also add that growing up in an unhappy household with parents who hate each other can be far worse and more damaging for children than growing up with less disposable income, with separate homes etc.

It’s not simple or quick and easy but when the balance has tipped it’s worth it - have you checked out what help you might be entitled to? Universal Credit, does DC receive DLA?

I think that it being 'easy' is implied on many threads, where posters do say things like "blah blah blah, in your shoes I would just leave." Of course we all cheer posters who are able to walk out of bad relationships on, but those who feel it is too much right now need understanding and encouragement to act in the long term.

With disabled DC you are facing additional challenges which many parents whose children are not disabled simply can't, with the best will in the world, begin to comprehend.

I also understand how it is that, while you don't want to put yourself and your children in a situation where they need to be left with your husband for longer periods without your supervision, your DC don't necessarily experience their day-to-day lives as a walk on eggshells, acutely aware of the tension between their parents. Many women, feeling unable to make the move to end their relationship and separate, manage to maintain family life with a sense of normality and calm for their DC.

Wishing you the gifts of courage and patience, OP.