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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice needed.

19 replies

ElJMol · 18/10/2025 16:54

Hey, I am a 47 year old menopausal woman who doesn’t think always rationally and have always been an over thinker!

i was in a 26 year marriage which ended 4 years ago…. My terms.
I then got into a new relationship with a man I have known for 7 years as we worked in the same industry. One thing lead
to another and we have been together ever since - jumping many obstacles together and live with one another.

He started a different job a year or so ago and a woman has just joined the team who is younger and they seemed to have formed a “friendly”
relationship. I have no issue with this whatsoever and not the jealous type. He has since stopped taking his sandwiches that I prepare for him and found out that she is providing his packed lunch and bringing him coffee and sweet treats for breakfast and the nature of my job, I am always around the county and he is a delivery driver and I have seen his car parked outside hers for some time when he tells me he has strict timelines to keep to for his job.

He is glued to his phone when he comes home and when texting he is smiling etc which I’ve observed over the past few weeks. I do know the passcode to his phone but have always respected and trusted enough to not need to check. I have thought about it and he isn’t overly protective of his phone, he showers etc and doesn’t take it with him etc…

we have come through so much, his battle with alcohol and rehab and he done so so well and been sober (due to a very unhappy relationship before me) for nearly 2.5 years now. This was a lot for a new couple to navigate through together when we’d both been in long long relationships and marriage. He tells me loves me all the time and how happy he is and we enjoy being intimate often… I just keep thinking of this woman and why she feels she needs to supply him with morning coffee, breakfast and lunch when I was doing it but have since stopped as he was leaving it behind and going to waste. He then said when I said I saw his parked car outside her house that he was running ahead of schedule and she’d finished her round (he does 2 rounds, her 1) and went in for a quick coffee. I’ve seen messages on the front of his phone when locked, her saying “are you not calling in today? Are you avoiding me?” And haven’t brought it up but it is playing heavily on my mind…
It has kept me awake at nights and the want to check is phone is really high but can’t bring myself to do it as it is an invasion of his privacy etc… what would you do? Just to put your mind to rest?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 18/10/2025 16:58

Oh I'd be in that phone in a heartbeat 🤣

Not suggesting it's morally clean but he's already blurred the boundaries by getting so weirdly close to another woman. But yeah that's what I'd do!

Gloriia · 18/10/2025 17:01

Absolutely snoop. Report back..

Moonnstars · 18/10/2025 17:03

I would like to think I wouldn't snoop, but ultimately I would want to check to know what is going on.
To me it sounds very suspicious and weird that he is willingly accepting lunch from another woman regularly. Fair enough if they were meeting in a neutral location once a week as friends but the fact it's at hers and every day by the sounds of it is concerning.
I don't understand why he wouldn't be telling her that he has a lunch already.
Is he the same age as you?

ReplacementBusService · 18/10/2025 17:05

She makes him a packed lunch?!? And brings him breakfast treats. She's after him whether or not it's reciprocated. That he lies about going to her house seems pretty dodge. You could work yourself up over looking through his phone, he might have deleted messages though.

ReplacementBusService · 18/10/2025 17:05

Gloriia · 18/10/2025 17:01

Absolutely snoop. Report back..

Also this.

Jollyjoy · 18/10/2025 17:06

It doesn’t sound good op, I’m sorry. I mean your desire not to invade his privacy is laudable and would usually be a decent principle, but equally you have a right to know what’s going on. I suppose you can just ask him but it sounds like you may want evidence? His previously unhappy relationship was probably a lot more down to him than the ex partner as I’m sure he will have had you believe…

ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:10

I’m 47 and he is 52. This woman is late 30’s and has a very shady background. Was in a relationship with a younger boy I want to say as he was only early 20’s and he was done for drug dealing, ABH and she lied to the court saying he was at home when he wasn’t and has a severely autistic son with him. He went to prison around 3 months ago and this is when this stepped up a gear! OH tells me she’s in a relationship with a guy in the USA!? We live in wales!

OP posts:
ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:12

Jollyjoy - I can honestly hand on heart say as I’ve known him for the past 7/8 years it was her that was the monster which lead him to drink and we have his son living with us as his mother is so unhinged, evil and pure down right nasty. We were good friends and he always spoke to me about his unhappy relationship as a friend. Which is where I guess, our relationship formed and worried that pattern is starting again?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 18/10/2025 17:19

ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:12

Jollyjoy - I can honestly hand on heart say as I’ve known him for the past 7/8 years it was her that was the monster which lead him to drink and we have his son living with us as his mother is so unhinged, evil and pure down right nasty. We were good friends and he always spoke to me about his unhappy relationship as a friend. Which is where I guess, our relationship formed and worried that pattern is starting again?

I hope I'm wrong, but I think you could be being a bit naive here. Speaking to you "as a friend" about his unhappy relationship is red flag behaviour, and it could be argued that you were the other woman in this situation, insofar as the other woman in your OP is. You will understandably feel gutted if it turns out he's talking to her about things he doesn't like about you. Given this context I wouldn't be saying I knew anything about him "hand on heart," tbf. People have been betrayed after far more than 7 years.

BaconCheeses · 18/10/2025 17:25

Stop creeping on the "morally corrupt" woman and see the big picture.

He loved the chase with you and he's enjoying it with her. It's gross.

You've spent too long nurturing men and not enough on yourself. Making sandwiches and weaning men off alcohol... you could do so much better. Even being alone would free up that time. Just bin, he's gross.

ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:26

TakealetterMrsJones - hmmm 🤔 this is what’s in my mind!

OP posts:
ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:29

BaconCheeses · 18/10/2025 17:25

Stop creeping on the "morally corrupt" woman and see the big picture.

He loved the chase with you and he's enjoying it with her. It's gross.

You've spent too long nurturing men and not enough on yourself. Making sandwiches and weaning men off alcohol... you could do so much better. Even being alone would free up that time. Just bin, he's gross.

Hmmmm 🤔 I was lonely, vulnerable after a long marriage, my kids are 25 and 22 and left as they were old enough to see and to this day agree with me leaving and me and my ex have a good relationship when the children are involved and get on pretty well! I certainly don’t go for coffee, breakfast or lunch. I’m sure he wouldn’t like that!

OP posts:
Overthemhills · 18/10/2025 17:31

We do t know him OP but you do - what do you really think he was doing in her house?

Katherine9 · 18/10/2025 17:32

OP, you open with 'I am a 47 year old menopausal woman who doesn’t think always rationally and have always been an over thinker!'

and in doing so, setting yourself up for being in the wrong. But you aren't in the wrong and you aren't overthinking this. He's being really unfair. I'm really sorry.

As others have suggested, you may find the answer on his phone but there is every chance he's changed the passcode already. I know I would try, at least.

ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:40

Katherine9 · 18/10/2025 17:32

OP, you open with 'I am a 47 year old menopausal woman who doesn’t think always rationally and have always been an over thinker!'

and in doing so, setting yourself up for being in the wrong. But you aren't in the wrong and you aren't overthinking this. He's being really unfair. I'm really sorry.

As others have suggested, you may find the answer on his phone but there is every chance he's changed the passcode already. I know I would try, at least.

If he has changed it then I know for sure… it’s been the same since we’ve been together…. I am going to check it tonight, if I get the opportunity, he hasn’t even given her a name on his phone, in what’s app it’s a number and a message that I saw on the front of his phone, but what’s app shows a picture of the sender?!

OP posts:
Katherine9 · 18/10/2025 17:56

ElJMol · 18/10/2025 17:40

If he has changed it then I know for sure… it’s been the same since we’ve been together…. I am going to check it tonight, if I get the opportunity, he hasn’t even given her a name on his phone, in what’s app it’s a number and a message that I saw on the front of his phone, but what’s app shows a picture of the sender?!

Was there anything telling in the message that you saw?

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 18/10/2025 17:59

Ask yourself how you’d feel about him going through your phone without your knowledge. If you’re ok with it, go ahead and do the same. If not, don’t.

SALaw · 18/10/2025 18:02

If you e taken the brave step of ending a long marriage, why jump to a relationship with an alcoholic? If he’s spent time getting clean, why have a friendship with a woman with a dodgy past that had some links to drugs?! Don’t you just want quiet lives in your middle age?!

333FionaG · 18/10/2025 18:06

Confront him. Ask him straight what he’s playing at. Don’t snoop on his phone, that’s low.

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