How much snapping is normal?

[Ginnygingseng]

Question as in thread title. Any kind of snapping from my partner feels unacceptable to me. Am I too black and white with this?

for context, partner is kind, considerate and respectful, and in general we’re really happy. But he absolutely cannot deal with stress when he’s tired, and it causes him to be snappy. By this I just mean short or irritable answers which feel unnecessary to me as it’s always low stakes stress - we haven’t experienced anything like buying a house / having a baby / job loss etc.

We’vd been together for two years and each time it’s happened I’ve categorically told him it’s unacceptable and he needs to find a better way of expressing his emotion. It’s starting to feel like im the one with too high expectations.

how much snapping is normal in a relationship?

My tolerance level is pretty high. I don’t take snappiness personally because I know when it’s down to tiredness and irritability, rather than just generally being unpleasant! It would be lovely to never be impatient or tetchy or irritable but it’s idealistic.

I think everyone is entitled to be grumpy once in a while. Depends how often he’s doing it really. Also context is everything - there is a difference between someone being snappy/grumpy at you or just being in that kind of mood but not directing it at you.

Thanks I think I needed to hear this as my tolerance is incredibly low !

This is true and maybe I need to be accepting of general grumpiness. He does also sometimes snap -t me e.g,when I ask questions (which is what triggered the post!) and maybe that’s what I need to focus on

I would make him aware of it, he probably isn't aware of the effect he's having. Men are bigger than us so it has a greater effect, especially if it's ongoing

Maybe you are being irritating, when he just wants to be left alone.

I don't think it's realistic to live with someone and expect them to never snap or show any kind of irritability and grumpiness.

But then DH and I are very laid back and don't take things like that personally.

When he’s in a bad mood I absolutely leave him alone as I don’t want to be in that atmosphere 😂

this is in scenarios when either i need to ask him something or we’re already in a conversation

My DH has a huge problem with my ‘snapping’ at him. However, no other kind of communication gets through to him. He does an awful lot of things like interrupting me in the middle of something time-sensitive and important to rant at me about the latest Labour Party scandal, or ask me a question he could easily find out the answer to on Google.

If I’m desperately trying to get DC out the door for school and he won’t stop monologuing at me about Kier Starmer and is being no help whatsoever, I reserve the right to snap.

He gets very grumpy and emotional about it but I’m past caring at this point, because I can’t structure my whole life around his priorities, fixations and moods.

Mmm. But what happens if you stay together and do do the stressful stuff like buying a house or, worst of all, having a child? If he acknowledges and apologises for being snappy and makes an effort not to do it, it might be ok for me. I left exdh and part of it was because he was always grumpy and I cba with the impact on the rest of us.

Meh. In one ear and out the other. It's never personal. I usually just make him a cup of tea. If DH snaps he needs my support, not a lecture on regulating his emotions.
I suppose it depends how much your partner does it though, and if he's vicious with it.

Sometimes is normal but not all the time

This is my exact fear which I’ve expressed to him many times.

i say to him that I understand snapping once in a while probably isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me concerned considering we are not a couple under any kind of significant stress right now. It makes me feel our relationship wouldn’t survive objectively very stressful life events like the ones you mentioned.

Maybe this is just his normal personality and some people come across to others as more snappy than others.
I think I am like this at home. I use up my energy at work and when home I often want my own space and quiet, so if my husband is wittering on then I am likely to come across as being snappy in response.

Are you actually asking him necessary questions or having an important conversation, or are you (in the nicest way) just talking at him for the sake of it?

DH has a habit of asking me questions he could look up himself, or wittering on at me about things just to fill the silence, and sometimes I do tell him to just be quiet and stop blathering.

But, and this is the important part, he tells me to pack it in when I'm being annoying too. It works both ways.

Same here. My husband complains I'm snappy. I think I'm actually incredibly patient.

My husband monologues and I would describe his delivery style as clickbait.

A notable example was one of the DC needed a specific item before school, but hadn't told us until that morning. DH went out, came back saying he'd gone to x shop but they didn't have it. But in many, many more words than that.

So I started hurrying the DC into the car so I could try some other shops, whilst still trying to get to school on time. He was incredibly offended that I had cut him short, as he'd got the item. It just wasn't the time for a dramatic retelling of his heroic efforts.

Are you asking him questions that need to be asked right then? Is it obvious that he needs to be left alone for a minute, but you are asking stuff anyway?
Or is he snappy when you've asked a perfectly reasonable question, and is it a sudden out-of-the-blue mood change?
If he has started snapping as his go-to response to anything you say because he cba to think of the answer, then I think you need to reconsider the whole relationship. It shows a lack of respect.
You can see by some of the responses that some people don't give a monkeys if their partner is snappy.
But it bothers you - and if he's like this now, when everything is fine, you'll find it unbearable when there is something for him to be grumpy about.

this is a reasonable question to ask - no if he’s seeming like he wants time on his own, or is feeling grumpy, I’ll always give him space.

Today for example we were attempting to book something which has become ridiculously expensive and complex as our original direct option had shot up in price. We were in the process of working out alternative options and he was become increasingly more stressed and irritable when IMO it was uncessary. He snapped when I suggested an option which he turned out had already ruled out. (To add, it was him who started the process of booking, not me!)

this is a classic example where it’s a mildly stressful / annoying situation, but nothing serious.

It sounds like the situation was getting on his nerves and he was just getting sick of talking about it?

I really wouldn't take something like that personally.

I think this is a huge red flag.
You haven't faced any of the adult stresses that come during a long relationship and should be in the honeymoon stage, and he's snapping at you?

You are right to be worried.
Imagine him snapping and you with a baby in your arms?
No thanks.
He is showing you exactly who he is, I would suggest you believe him.

im aware I might be too sensitive but I just think if that’s the case he needs to say so rather than snapping!

My DH is like this. Absolutely lovely most of the time but if he's tired he turns into a right grumpy, snappy fuck. I ignore it and have many a time told him to fuck off if he's snapped and it was uncalled for.

I think in the circumstance you're describing, it's okay to get a bit irritated and snap - I certainly would and so would DH. I wouldn't be snapping at him - it's more being irritated at the situation and showing it verbally.

But like I said, DH and I are both very happy to speak up when we feel irritated or fed up with something. We don't take it personally or get upset by it.

Op I’m a bit surprised people are willing to tolerate this. If you have kids are you all going to go out because he’s snappy about a perfectly normal occurrence like a complicated purchase? I think the pressure of mortgage/ sleepless nights / whiny kids (they all have their moments) would make him worse.

OMG clickbait is the perfect term for this. Get to the goddamn point!