To tell my dad about his half brother?

[DilemmaDNA]

I took one of those online tests that tell you about your ancestry. I did it because I was curious about where my distant ancestors came from - but I found an unexpected family match.

It looks as if my grandfather had a son nobody knew about, who grew up and lives in America. I googled his name and saw photos, and there's a very clear resemblance. He also has a Facebook post saying he wants to connect with his dad's relatives.

I don't know if he was born through a previous relationship or infidelity. Both my grandparents on that side died some years ago, but my dad and his siblings would obviously be affected by knowing that this half-brother exists! They're all in their 60s.

I don't know what to do. I could just make my page on the website private and carry on as if I'd never seen the match. Or I could tell my dad about it, and risk stirring up negative reactions or family secrets.

YABU - don't tell him, you'll be causing drama for no good reason and people will get hurt
YANBU - tell him, he has a right to know even if it's a shock

This other man doesn’t deserve to be a secret so that people’s feelings aren’t hurt.

Definitely tell him. He's not a child or an old man without capacity. I found out that my grandad was not my real grandad through doing this, found a murder in the family and cousins I didn't know about.

I wouldn't open that can of worms

you need to ask your dad a hypothetical question about it and go from there

I would 100% tell him. If he finds out another way and finds out you knew he would be very hurt.
Also if his brother dies and its left too late ot could be very upsetting.

As your grandparents are dead, I would not only tell your Dad, but show him the Ancestry information too. It's then up to him if he wishes to tell his siblings and if he's interested in contacting his half-brother. Most family trees hide this kind of secret, especially the further you go back. I know of several situations similar to this within my own extended family, in more recent times and going back further.

Tell him but choose your moment and do it kindly. Don't expect a response or to question how he feels. Give him the necessary information and leave it with him to soak and do as he pleases. Respect his wishes as this may be a lot to take on board and he will need time on his own to process how he feels.

I had similar decision. Only it was my grandmother (dad's mom) who evidently gave up a child for adoption. Gran was deceased when I found out. About 22 yrs before I found out, My mother had told me a child was adopted away... but my mother was vindictive towards my dad's family at that time, not to mention drunk at the time, so I thought my mother could have invented the entire story.

(Long story why my mother knew but my dad didn't know).

My dad was glad I told him. The situation has ended up that me, one cousin, my dad + 2 of dad's siblings (and a few spouses) know... while 3 other siblings to Adopted-Away person don't know. An aunt who knows feels very strongly we shouldn't tell anyone else. That this was my grandmother's information to keep private. My dad thinks there could be anger towards Grandma among the don't-know-siblings, maybe this is also Aunt's fear.

I reached out to family members of Adopted Away because I reckon he'd had 70+ years of no contact, It wasn't my place to deprive him of option to change that. Adopted-away very strongly Did Not Want any contact from his Bio Family (no idea why he's still on Ancestry & hasn't made his profile private even thought I explained this problem to his step-daughter, but ok...). To protect Adopted-Away's preference from a large curious family, I sided with Aunt who wants nobody to know. Dad & other sibling HATE keeping this info secret, but have gone along with keeping it secret for now.

I am afraid someone in the family will find out & be angry that nobody told them... I have to be ready for that.

it's Fing complicated but I suppose main thing is why should you make this decision by yourself. My dad would have been delighted to meet and get to know a new brother. They don't live far from each other, too !! Telling/consulting family members who can keep it quiet and help you decide is appropriate, imho.

I land on the side of telling your dad but we're an open family where new relatives are welcome. I dont mean we're particularly warm-hearted, more nonchalant! (I was 17 when I was told about my mum's adopted-out baby. That was a surprise 😄)

Do you know what kind of relationship your dad had with your grandfather?

How come you haven't already told your family about your DNA tests? I'd start there, mention you found something surprising. Maybe your dad would like to do his own DNA test (Ancestry have a sale on now, I think) to confirm the link to this new relative.

I wouldn't take it for granted that this man is a half brother. More than there seems to be a reasonably close relationship to explore.

My dad's half-sister matched with me (initially showing as my first cousin). It was less of a shock as she was known in the family, but as my grandad's stepchild with his second wife, which is what she had always thought too.

Everyone had lost touch after my grandad died over 40 years ago, so it was a reconnection for the newly discovered half-siblings.

While the siblings didn't know, strangely, my mum said she always knew, but can't remember how. Perhaps my grandad's wife confided in her all those years ago.

Snap in every detail apart from my DF and his siblings are no longer with us.
I’d try to discover when this son was conceived. Pre marriage is not as significant as during it.
Do your dad and his siblings in their 60s revere their father’s memory? Would they be more relaxed about such matters? Only you can make the call.
There’s also the consideration that you and I might be less affected as we’re a generation further removed.