Please help - SO worried!

[WenckebachToTheFuture]

Hi! Just posting here for a bit of advice or even reassurance if anyone else has ever been in a similar position🥲

I’ve got a first date tomorrow and I’m so, so nervous about it

the guy I’m seeing is great- a genuinely really nice guy. I’ve met him before as part of a big group but never alone- we’ve got mutual friends who have been shipping us for a while haha

im just such a bag of nerves thinking about it. I’ve completely avoided relationships until now and even though I feel ready to have a relationship, I’m worried it’s too late and I’m too inexperienced now.

Not to sound full of self pity but I spent a large part of my childhood watching my dad knock my mum out and him threatening to murder us. It sounds crazy now but as a young kid I had come to terms with the fact that one day we would probably be one of those families on a tv documentary where the violent ex comes back and kills us all. Thankfully, he was convicted and no longer causes us bother and we’re all safe from him. But after that I just couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of boyfriends, so I threw myself into studying, made sure I got straight As in school and the career I always wanted.

I’ve never had a properly serious relationship- I had a few kisses on nights out at 18/19 but it was just to fit in. But I’m in my late 20s now and i feel like something is missing and I’d really like to meet someone. I always told myself i was too busy with schoolwork, then uni work, then it was training after uni (don’t want to say my exact job but it involved further training after graduating) … basically I’ve always had an excuse to avoid it. But now I don’t.

but I’m just so nervous, what if I forget what to say, or it’s awkward and we run out of thinks to talk about, or my conversation is too dry, and he doesn’t like me?! Or on the flip side- what if it goes well and then we end up together? Like it sounds ridiculous but what if I get fed up with it all? I’m so used to just being myself and doing my own thing, what if I don’t get used to being with someone else and I don’t like it?

I really like the guy, he’s literally great, I’m just so nervous about the whole thing! I’ve always had a reputation among my friends as an ice queen but I guess I’m starting to melt a bit and I really don’t want to mess up tomorrow because I genuinely really like him. I’m just worried it’s too late for me and I’ve made myself too inexperienced by avoiding relationships until now?! And I know I’m jumping ahead ridiculously so but down the line when it comes to intimacy I’m literally a virgin which brings a whole other level of anxiety and I don’t want to embarrass myself and look like a total idiot

basically I just want tomorrow to go well but I’m so nervous. And even if it does go well, I’m then nervous about what that means.

if anyone has any advice about first dates or how to squash the nerves and not make a fool of myself it would be really appreciated! ♥️

I'd go somewhere low key and familiar to me.

This.

Sorry should have made it clear from my OP- I’m not full of baggage and issues because of what happened with my dad. That was in the past and doesn’t affect me anymore- I only mentioned it to explain why I avoided relationships until now. I’m fine with it all now and I do want to have a relationship and I feel ready for it, it’s just the nerves kicking in (and the annoyance at myself for avoiding it until now and making myself so inexperienced in my late 20s)

Yeah I said to go somewhere familiar so you know where things are and what you like, not because of your dad stuff. Just takes something to worry about off the list.

Sorry just seen your reply now, think our messages crossed haha

thank you! Yeah we’re going somewhere local I’ve been before so that’s definitely helping the nerves a bit because it’s not somewhere new!

Just be yourself. Don’t try too hard thinking of interesting things to say or being a sparkling wit or bowling him over with how you look or any of that stuff. Just be you, try to relax, remember you’re just hanging out with someone who happens to be a bloke, don’t think ahead to where it might go or try to rush things. Just live in the moment and see what happens. Notice any red flags but don’t obsess over finding them.

Also, it’s worth saying, don’t have sex on the first date! Get to know him properly first. And use protection if/when you do. If he says he’s allergic but mysteriously doesn’t have any latex free condoms, he’s not the man you thought he was.

First dates ARE nerve racking, for everyone! So, firstly I would own that.
Sounds trite but just be yourself. Big deep breaths, shoulders back, chin up, smile 😊 you have common friends so should have loads to talk about there, how did you meet so and so etc
You might hit it off together and have a great time and both know that you want a 2nd date.
Maybe you don’t quite gel together. That’s ok too though, you’ll have got that ‘first date’ under your belt.
You’ve said that you’re worried you’ve made yourself too inexperienced by avoiding relationships. You have mutual friends though? So you’re not inexperienced in relationships per se just sexual ones. Tomorrow you’re just really sussing each other out like you would in any relationship, you’ll either want to take it further or remain acquaintances.
Don’t think beyond casual dating at this stage, if all goes well and you do start properly dating then you may find that your anxieties about being in a relationship diminish anyway. Baby steps. Hope all goes well for you 🙂

Don’t tell him about your childhood.

Just treat it like any night out with your mates, he’s been there on those nights, and then just talk to him as you would if you were waiting for your mates to turn up!
don’t overthink it, it will spoil your night.
you’re not there to be anything different to how you normally are, and that is who he has seen time and again.
go with the flow, have a good night, and don’t go down the sex route until you are comfortable doing that. He doesn’t need to know anything re relationships or your past, until you are ready.
Go have some fun!

Somewhere familiar, casual and don’t put so much pressure on yourself-you do not need to try and impress him and this is not your only chance at a relationship if that is what you want- go with an open mind and fun attitude, if the worst comes to the worst it’s one evening and nothing lost.

Im sure you’ll have thought about this, but if not please consider that your childhood experiences make you more vulnerable to love bombing and boundary pushing. You are clearly very accomplished and have your shit together so please don’t let that happen.

Have fun!

I think that your worries are mainly to do with your being a virgin.

Honestly, don't get ahead of yourself. If you enjoy the date and decide to have another, you'll end up kissing and if that goes well, the rest will follow.

But on the date, just keep telling yourself that you're not obliged to go on another if you don't enjoy yourself.

Good luck!

I agree, just try to be yourself because he’s seen you before and that’s who he likes! Take it as slowly as you feel comfortable with and have fun! Hope you have a lovely date.

So is the date this evening @WenckebachToTheFuture

How did it go?

I hope it went well OP.

As others have said, just treat it like seeing a friend which is really what initial dating is.

In terms of being a virgin, I don’t think many men would have an issue with that though I can imagine it would be nerve wracking. That said, sex with anyone new can be a bit of nerve wracking in terms of compatibility.