Could I be doing more?

[cottondot]

This is very long and complex. Please bear with me.

My mum is in her early sixties. Sadly we lost my dad 6 years ago suddenly. My mum has issues with mental health and alcoholism. She can function but has bad anxiety over small things, can’t make decisions and definitely drinks to cope with her issues. I have had to put boundaries in place due to this but we are still very much in contact.

In the past six months my elderly grandparent (her parent) had a fall and health/mind has deteriorated. They had a spell in a care home as respite but are now back at home. My mum has taken time off work to help care for them. However she isn’t coping well and is drinking more than ever.

I do what I can but I have young dc and I work. It is my opinion that my grandparent would be best in the care home where they’d have company and receive round the clock care. Mum can’t seem to make this choice but is equally complaining everyday about how bad things are and how things can’t carry on like this.

I went to see her earlier and she was clearly drunk. I called her out on this and was met with the usual snide comment about how I do nothing to help and all of her friends think I’m terrible because I haven’t done enough for grandparent. Her usual form of defence is attack but I do feel guilty like I should be doing more for my grandparent but when my life is so busy I can’t be there daily. I just can’t. I also realise it’s hard for my mum but she is currently off work, has no dependents and I believe a lot of the stress and turmoil and lack of being able to make progress or a plan is due to her drinking.

I am so sad about it all. The decline of my grandparent, the way my mum is. I am exhausted just by my own life. If I dare to go out with friends once in a blue moon it’s like she’s judging me (she has never helped with dc by the way) for having a life.

I feel like I need to do something proactive but I don’t know what. Social services are involved. Hopefully there will be a clear assessment soon.

OP, completely ignore the jibe that all your DM’s friends think you’re awful - they almost certainly don’t. You are entitled to your own life, and frankly, your responsibility is to your own family, and not your DGM. A care needs assessment should help considerably - they will let you know whether she can manage with help at home, or whether she needs to go into a home. Have you read the elderly parents board on here? There is both advice and warnings about what is available and how they will try to refuse you help if they think family members are willing to take up the slack - so let them know your DM has mental health problems and problems with alcohol, and absolutely stress your domestic and work responsibilities. They need to know that it’s just not possible for you to take on her care, so don’t be persuaded into agreeing to anything that you are not comfortable with - you have your own life and your own responsibilities, and you need to stress that.

Social services are involved but I can’t seem to make much sense out of what DM has told me about where they are with the assessment. She is so chaotic when speaking about the situation like it’s all too much, but she hasn’t been particularly proactive in getting things in place.

If ever I mention her drinking or suggest different ways of managing things she’ll reply with something like ‘you try doing it then / you don’t know what it’s like’ all designed to make me feel like I haven’t done enough. Although a difficult situation I definitely feel like mum would be coping and focusing better if she wasn’t drinking. She goes to see grandparent early in the morning, sets them up for the day and is home by lunchtime so she can start drinking.

I think the best thing you can do is call Social Services and raise a safeguarding concern about your grandparent. I think you could also raise a concern about your mother. The confusion could be drinking but also could be her mental health deteriorating. She may also need an assessment. Would she go to the GP with you?

You will need to be a really squeaky wheel about this. If your mum seems to be functioning, they likely won't step in immediately.

This is the problem, mum isn’t coping particularly well but she is functioning. And grandparent still has enough awareness to make their own choices regarding going into a home, despite often being confused and doing odd things.

I find it my mums attitude very hurtful especially when she has done nothing to help with my dc over the years.