Husband complains about quality of life, but spends most hours at work..

[Cocteautwin6]

DH and I have recently been having counselling for various reasons. One of things he struggles with is his temper as he has been frequently losing it recently, which we have put down to stress.

He works really hard. He’ll often work till 11pm, which then affects his sleep. He’s paid okay (in fact we both earn the same - me possibly more) but not enough to warrant all this extra time - no one else seems to do it at his place, not like a solicitors. I resent this, as we’ve been talking about how he needs to focus on his wellbeing as he’s been so down.

I’ve never told him this, as he’s so defensive, but after asking him if he wanted to chill and watch a film tonight and finding him at his computer I calmly asked why he gives his work so much time if they don’t pay overtime. He got extremely defensive about this, and went out for a run. (But at least he left his computer - small wins?!)

I have a feeling I am being unreasonable, but I am also genuinely concerned for his wellbeing and worry that he’s in denial. Would anyone else feel the same?

If he is not getting paid for all the extra hours he is supposedly putting in are you sure that work is what he is actually doing?
Especially if none of his colleagues put in extra hours it seems very strange.

Does he earn commission? My sales team would work overtime to close sales and get paid. Their choice.

Yeah - I often poke my head in to say goodnight 😬 that thought had crossed my mind though, thanks!

Nope, nothing.

He sounds like an academic, in which case part of the reason is because he’s completely absorbed in what he’s researching. It’s like a compulsion. Anyway, I’m divorcing my academic. Life is too short to play second fiddle to fish bones (other obsessions - cough - I mean research areas, are available).

Is he competent at the job... as in, can he do the job at the same level without these extra hours or is he always playing catch up to meet where other colleagues are?

Could he look at a career change with less or different hours?

Totally get that, used to work with academics! Good for you. He’s a designer in fact. I think you’re right about the compulsion though.

I think he’s competent but is a perfectionist. I’ve encouraged a career change, but he says he’s too old. I will keep trying!