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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you leave the house like this?

40 replies

SeekingPerspective · 17/10/2025 16:40

Would you leave the house without locking up or telling anyone still inside that you are leaving the doors to the outside unlocked?

Elderly Mr DH is significantly older than I am and suffers from significantly limited mobility. Nowadays there are lots of things he needs me to do for him, simple things like helping him to walk to the car. I hope I do these willingly and never show any sign of feeling burdened by them.

Just sometimes, however, find myself feeling completely unsupported. I’ve set up a new account today, to get some outside perspective on today’s example.

DH has recently acquired a mobility scooter which means that he can get out and about without me. Great news all round. He does however currently need me to open the garage door for him. We live in a small quiet close which is a cul de sac. Our garage opens inside our ‘garden’, which is a small walled courtyard. No one walking past the wall would be able to see that the garage is open, so I think it’s pretty safe to leave open. There is no lock on the garage door.

DH is usually very careful about ‘security’. We would never leave the house unlocked whether we are inside or not. He is very clear that he wants even the garage door to be opened only on the day when he will go out and closed again as soon as ever possible afterwards. He is not comfortable with the door being left open overnight.

The route out to the garage is via patio doors, which are effectively the back door, floor to ceiling glass. DH only started to use these doors once he started using the scooter which is parked in the garage. I made sure DH had a key to the patio doors on both of the sets of keys he uses.

There is a further key which hangs on the door to lock / unlock it from the inside and ensure that we can get out in case of fire.

Today I noticed that when DH went out, he unlocked the patio door but did not lock it again from the outside. Instead he left it unlocked with me inside the house. He did not mention to me that he was going to do this.

My immediate reaction was to feel that he cared less about me and my safety than he feels about the scooter in the garage.

When he got home I asked him as neutrally as I could about leaving the door unlocked. He explained that the key on the key ring he was taking does not lock the door from outside, only from the inside.

As I was home he didn’t see any reason to lock it

Or to tell me that he had left it unlocked.

Or to get his other keys which would have locked it from the outside.

Or to take the spare key from the lock and leave his in case of fire

Or give me a heads up so I could lock it behind him

A part of me feels that if I feel ok leaving the garage door unlocked for his scooter is it so very different to leave the patio door unlocked if I am home. Mostly I feel as if my safety and convenience was simply not a consideration for DH.

Its only fair to acknowledge that DH has a lot of things to cope with day by day and he thought this would be ok. I am still feeling unloved, uncared for and as if I just don’t matter. I’m feeling a bit weepy. I'm sure if I asked him, DH would say of course I mattered to him

The trouble for me is that the occasion simply never arises that this is demonstrated to me. AIBU?

OP posts:

BoarBrush · 17/10/2025 16:45

It's all a bit dramatic.

Our doors unlocked 6am to 10pm, whether someone's in or not.

Frequency · 17/10/2025 16:50

I think he forgot to lock it. It isn't a reflection on his feelings for you; he just forgot. You are overthinking.

To answer your question, though, yes, I regularly leave the front door unlocked when we are in the house, and sometimes even if I am popping out for a few minutes. I have a demonic chihuahua who would attempt to tear apart the ankles of any intruder while screaming the house down, and a very loving rottweiler who shows his love by violently throwing himself full force at anyone who is brave enough to enter his home. Anyone stupid enough to break into my home and fast enough to get back out with their swag while still in one piece has earned whatever they managed to take.

A door alarm that sounds off when the door is open would probably have a similar effect if you are very security-conscious but don't have the time or energy for mentally deficient canines.

Twinkletoes127 · 17/10/2025 16:52

In our house, the doors are unlocked most of the time. Absolutely never do we lock ourselves in, its weird and victim fearing. Not for us that

AppropriateAdult · 17/10/2025 16:53

Honestly, OP, it seems like a giant stretch to read a lack of care for your safety into his actions today. I wouldn’t think twice about leaving a rear door unlocked while there was another person in this house - that wouldn’t strike me as a safety issue at all. Whereas I would always close a door on the ‘street’ side of the house, even if it’s one that couldn’t be easily seen by passers-by.

The fact that you made such a huge leap of logic, though, suggests that there may be other problems in your relationship. Are you feeling unappreciated in general?

CarpetKnees · 17/10/2025 17:19

I think he forgot to lock it. It isn't a reflection on his feelings for you; he just forgot. You are overthinking.

This ^

Posters saying "I never lock the door where we leave" are in a completely different situation. The OP and he dh do, and feel they need to, as do many millions of people.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 17/10/2025 17:34

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. But we do not lock doors when we're at home (and neither does anyone I visit at home, now I think of it!) So it probably would have been unlocked already.

Does it actually need to be locked? Is your garden that it leads to secure and was that gate or whoever locked? Is there a local issue that means you do need to be locked inside the house as a necessary security measure? Sorry, I can't think how to word that that doesn't sound snarky. It's not supposed to.

It rather sounds to me that it's not actually this that's the problem, it's that you're doing many things to support and help him because you love him, and he's accepting that as though it's a right, but you feel taken for granted and like staff/furniture that he's not considering the impact of that on, or doing things to spontaneously show he loves you. That's not unreasonable at all, and probably needs a calm conversation.

For a start he could get you some flowers as a surprise now that he's able to go out and about without you facilitating it.

JillMW · 17/10/2025 21:11

Ours are always unlocked. If an intruder got in the house I would find it much quicker to flee through an unlocked door than to get the key and unlock the door first.
It seems to me a you might be a bit like people who say they would not feel safe in a bungalow because of intruders. If I was in a bungalow in my bed and an intruder was in my kitchen I would nip out of my bedroom window. Not so easy in a house as they would meet me at the bottom of the stairs.
I don’t think you have been in a house fire, trust me you need a towel to open the door and would not be able to use a key if that was the room with the fire. The door handles get extremely hot

BuildbyNumbere · 17/10/2025 21:25

Maybe he forgot and doesn’t want to admit it. If he’s a lot older than you maybe his mind just doesn’t work like that anymore.

thisishowloween · 17/10/2025 21:46

It would never occur to me lock DH in the house.

Cloudyberries · 17/10/2025 21:54

It sounds like this has been picked over enough. Don't wind yourself up with deep inner meanings.

The question is, what is the plan for next time? Now that you have explained to him that it is important to you that it gets locked, will he respect that and makes sure to lock it in future?

Personally we always let each other know when we are leaving the house - WhatsApp if the other one is busy - or at least share plans in advance.

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 17/10/2025 21:56

Why does it need to be locked immediately if you are in the house? You’re overreacting

DingDongJingle · 17/10/2025 22:01

Bloody hell, if I made a mistake and forgot to lock a door I’d hate to have my mistake analysed and dwelt upon like these. People make mistakes.

Mt563 · 17/10/2025 22:06

Holy overreach batman. Clearly he, like many other people, doesn't feel the need to lock the house when in. It was no comment on you or his love for you.

Arlanymor · 17/10/2025 22:11

I wouldn't lock someone in a house - that seems strange. If someone wants to lock themself in then fair enough. Even if you have an arrangement that he usually does this and he forget then it's a stretch to think it equates to not caring for you. Is there other stuff you are worried about and this has just tipped you over the edge emotionally perhaps?

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 22:12

I don’t think the status of the door being locked or unlocked is the issue. I think it’s hard being a carer and it’s a very thankless and unrewarding job, that is relentless.

I don’t think your are BU to want to feel cared for.

AllYoursBabooshkaBabooshkaBabooshkaYaYa · 17/10/2025 22:12

It's odd to me that you're comparing how much he cares about his scooter to how much he cares about you.

Why does it have to be a comparison.

Surely this is just a quick "next time you go out can you lock the door please" and he agrees.

Silvertulips · 17/10/2025 22:18

Get another key cut so he has 1 on each set of keys.

I lock the door as usually the teens are asleep when i leave the house.

I also put the light on when they come home late. My DH leaves the light on for me too!! Shows he cares.

Sometimes it’s the little things that matter

Crazycatladywithnocats · 17/10/2025 22:39

If I leave home and my DH is in I have to remember not to lock the mortice when I go out. We do also have a Yale though so the door locks automatically via the nightlatch.

Menonut · 18/10/2025 00:13

We never lock the doors if someone is home, unless they’re in bed. Sometimes not even then.
We always let others know we’re leaving the house but would never lock the door behind us if someone was home.
If I take the dog for a walk and someone is home, I don’t take my keys with me.
I think you’re massively over thinking this.

Wingedharpy · 18/10/2025 00:32

There is a very easy solution to this OP.
Get a remote control roller door fitted on the garage with 2 "zappers" - one for each of you.
That way, garage door can be opened and closed independently by him and it will matter not one jot if the patio doors are locked or not as no-one can gain entry through the garage.
Are you maybe feeling a bit redundant because of his new "independence" due to the mobility scooter?

ShaunaOfTheDead · 18/10/2025 05:31

Complete overthink.
one of you get another appropriate key cut.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/10/2025 05:41

You’ve extrapolated an awful lot about his motives from a simple oversight on his part. You’re massively overthinking.

DP and I only ever lock each other in if the other is asleep. I realise that’s not your routine but just FYI.

JustChillin70 · 18/10/2025 05:51

At least one door is open until we go to bed if someone is in and even if all out at times; garage is permanently open as it needs a new door.

pilates · 18/10/2025 05:56

I would only lock the door if someone was asleep in bed. I think you’re overreacting.

itsgettingweird · 18/10/2025 05:59

We never lock our doors behind us if we go out and someone else is in.

Not sure why we don’t but it’s never occurred to us to do it 🤷‍♀️

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