Am I the problem?

[Orangery25]

I have a 3 year old with my husband and partner of nearly 10 years +.
Since having a child, there has been a lot of resentment between us, some of which is expected when adjusting to new roles as parents and a new way to be a couple and family but 3 years later, not much has changed and we are now arguing in front of my son and it's creating an unhealthy environment for him.
I don't know if I'm the problem or if he is the problem or if we are both the problem and just need to parent our child being separated.
The biggest problems are that in my opinion he is very lazy and will not voluntarily do anything other than the bare minimum of washing dishes and putting the dishwasher on and emptying it. There is far more needed in running a household. We both work. No matter how many times we have discussions about him needing to do more, nothing ever changes. When I talk about it, he is very defensive and focuses on my reactions being unreasonable and angry when I am completely burnt out with nothing left to give, and I explain that very clearly too, but he never takes accountability for his actions.
Other examples are that he forever challenges everything I say or ask, will happily say no or reject my ideas but never come up with alternatives or solutions and it's so negative and I am absolutely exhausted from it. Some days we have a wonderful time together as a family, and other times the situation and relationship makes me feel physically ill as I can't take it anymore.
Please can someone help me to understand what is happening here. My friends tell me to get relationship counseling but I think a lot of the problems originate from his mood and attitude at his core. I can't talk to my mum as she just tells me that I have it better than she did.

Clearly he is the problem.

Couples counselling might help, possibly a neutral third party would help to defuse the defensive response a bit? But in all honesty I'd at least be considering the possibility of separating. Especially if the arguing is now so uncontrollable that you can't keep it away from your child.

Have you mentioned counselling to him and what did he say?

I would just sit him down and say I can’t carry on like this, this is what I need and if you can’t provide it then I need to move on. But you have to mean it.

You need to sit him down and ask him what he feels he can contribute in the house.

For example

Is he willing to cook three times a week

Can he be responsible for cleaning the upstairs at the weekend and you do downstairs

He takes the garden - you do the ironing?

You need to reframe your questions and see where that gets you.

Definitely couples counselling. Having a third impartial person who can mediate makes a world of difference. If it was just chores I would say complete a checklist of tasks like this oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf
and ask him to do the same but his reaction seems like he probably wouldn't.

Counselling worked for us. Its not a failing to need someone to give an impartial view sometimes

Thanks for the replies. It's about chores and attitude and not being accountable and since having a child, a general lack of kindness. When I've lost my temper, I apologise and explain why but when he wakes up disengaged and in a bad mood, he shuts down and is very sharp repeatedly and then when I eventually react, the problem is my reaction, always.
We have discussed counselling, he said he didn't like the idea of talking to a stranger and that he'd try to do more which lasted about a day and he's straight back into old mentality again. I truly think he might also be depressed but again won't take accountability for taking steps to improve the underlying causes which are really impacting my own happiness

Perhaps the first step is to do what is often suggested on MN. Do nothing for him, don't cook for him, don't wash his clothes, don't clear up after him. Then see if his attitude to household chores changes.

Sounds as though he may have already checked out. Whether he has or not, he owes you an explanation about being moody and distant. Sorry OP. Hope things improve.

He wants a maid. He also wants someone he can have sex with.

He wants you to be both of them. Unpaid.

Do you want this?

This is his default. He won't change. So if you don't want this, you can't be with him.

@Aibusadandhormonal thanks for sharing that checklist, it's actually a great document and I will take a look

How were your household jobs split before you had your son?

Regardless, he seems happy to let you do everything. As one last thing to try, write down every task, no matter how small, that needs doing to keep the home as you both like it to be. Add how many minutes each task takes, and how often it’s done. Then write your initials next to each one you do each time you do it, and his initials next to the tasks he does. The idea would be to have visual proof that you are carrying him along with the household. If he can’t get on board then with growing up, pulling his finger out and taking on a reasonable proportion of the domestic load, I would say separate: you’ll find you have more time and less stress managing a home on your own than carrying another adult as well.

ETA I see I wasn’t the first to suggest this! It has worked for us, in terms of adding up the time spent over a week doing jobs- even though my H’s were mostly bigger or more time consuming than the ones I was doing, over a week I was spending about five times as long on work as he was. He’s since added a large number of these smaller jobs to his days and I am feeling the benefit!!