Should husband be doing more?

[iwanttopaintitblack]

Hi everyone

First post here but longtime lurker.

I have two kids - 4 year old and 2 year old. They are both in school/nursery Monday to Friday, school hours.

I work school hours Monday to Thursday, off on Fridays. I have a relatively stressful job as a litigation lawyer in a big law firm. My husband works 8am to 4pm 5x a week in his own business.

I am feeling overwhelmed and wondered if it's because I'm doing too much and wether husband should be helping more.

I do all the drop offs, pick ups, all the cleaning, laundry, food shop, cooking, meal planning, clothes buying, doctor appointments, activities planning, weekend plans - basically ALL the household/life management, plus work 21h per week. I also get up with my kids at 6am everyday, feed everyone breakfast and get everyone ready for school and then take them to school and cycle myself to the office. Husband wakes up, gets dressed, had a coffee and leaves at 7.30am

Husband helps tidy/clean in the evening and helps het them ready for bed but that's basically I. He will do something if I ask but he wouldn't do it out of own initiative. He does not plan any activities for weekends etc, often being too tired from work (he owns a construction company and does a lot of physical work).

I am feeling very overwhelmed and that I am not able to keep on top of everything. I also have anxiety, which gets a lot worse if I don't feel in control.

Am I simply doing too much by myself? Should he be taking on more of the mental load? Helping in the mornings?

Is this too much for a single person to handle o should I get a grip?! I'm often harsh on myself and think "if only I did this or that, I'd manage better" but I wonder if I'm actually just expecting too much of myself?!

Thanks!

Yes, you need more help, either from your husband or by outsourcing different tasks. I would start with getting a cleaner in . Look at internet shops or can he do that? I think you need to make a list of all the typical chores and talk to him about how you can get help.

Thank you. We did use to have a cleaner but cancelled it, to save on costs. But we could afford this now so maybe I should look at it again. I already do the weekly shop online.

It's more the mental load I think. Also, this week I've just not been able to go to the office because the house is such a mess in the morning that I can't cope. I think that if he at least got them dressed, I could focus on the house and making myself look presentable!

Delegate OP. Either give him clear tasks or outsource.

I don't understand why he isn't doing more? Why isn't he getting up to help you in the mornings?

To be honest, I don't know why. Too tired. I've just accepted it to avoid arguments but I see that I should expect him to help with this.

When we've spoken in the past he's said that he only has to leave for work much earlier than me and I have much longer so therefore more time to get stuff done in the morning.

He's also said that I have more chance of sorting laundry etc because I can work from home. But if I'm doing laundry, I'm not working!

I should expect more, I think...

Yes you are doing far too much. It’s very hard to start moving these tasks across to you husband now though but that’s what needs to happen.

Write down a list of everything you do for a week. Then tell hubby you aren’t coping - these are the tasks, how could we better split them?

Some husband don’t care/expect their wives to do it. And some just honestly can’t see everything you are doing and that you aren’t coping.

I highly recommend doing a hobby 1-2 evenings a week as well and leaving husband to manage the household for this time. It will do everyone good.

Thank you. I think he's more on the "can't see everything I do" side. He also has much lower standards than me - I know my standards are too high but I seriously struggle with mess and disorganization everywhere.

I do Yoga once a week and he'll do bath time and bed etc but I still take it upon myself to sort dinner before I go. I don't have too.

The list idea is good and I will do that, thanks

Thank you. I think I will outsource. We had a cleaner and used to get Gousto but once the kids started at school / nursery, I felt I should be able to take some of these tasks back in but apparently not! I'm looking into outsourcing laundry, which would be the dream!

Don't 'delegate. You aren't his manager. Tell him there needs to be more division of household labour and pick a time to divvy it up between you.

DH and I both work full time, both out the house from 8-6:30pm, and have young twins. DH does all school drop offs, x2 school pick ups, the online shop, all laundry, all dishes, all his ironing, all doctor and dentist appointments and admin and ferrying to half all the clubs.

There's no reason why your DH can't manage more. If he doesn't want to, then he needs to shell out to outsource.