Is something odd?

[Confusedhormonal]

I don’t live anywhere near my brother and mum. They live in the same town which can take me 5 hours to get there to visit. So every 6 weeks I meet my mum in a large city for the day that takes us both 2 hours to travel. my brother never joins but there is always an open invitation. I am going this weekend to visit my mum. My brother wants to come with my niece, which is great.

Sorting out arrival times my brother drops into conversation he may not be able to come. His partner of 3 years is upset as she thinks they should go as a family and she already has plans, her kids aren’t free so they can’t go - including my brother.

They have just moved in together and blended families. They are nearly 50, so have their own social groups and kids are teenagers. But when it comes to family I am unable to see or speak to my brother without her being there or on loud speaker. Her view is they always have to be together as they are a family and I am now part of their family so we have to do everything together. She has my mum round all the time and comes her mum and her kids call her gran. My mum says it does get too much at times.

I know they love each other very much and on the surface in small doses she is nice. But I just find it odd that I can’t spend any time with my brother without her and he has to cancel spending time with me and my mum as his partner is busy. He is not. I did ask what would they be doing whilst she was busy and he said park or at home.

am I right to be miffed and feel something is up. And how do I approach it. I have said directly to him that it would be nice to spend quality time with immediate family and surely she should understand this as we rarely do this. He says she keeps saying we are a family.

Well of course it’s odd but your bothers a grown adult and needs to learn to make decisions himself. I’m not sure he’d appreciate you getting involved in his relationship so let him figure it out by himself.

Brothers partner is controlling and alienating him from his family. Or at least, that’s people would say if the roles were reversed.

Your brother is a potentially abusive situation. Ensure he knows the warning signs and red flags of abuse. Do not think that because he is a man, he doesn't need the same type of support and advice a woman might need. He is as vulnerable to being manipulated into agreeing to a way of life he doesnt want as any woman is.

Your brother can make his own decisions and if he decides he wants to do as she says that is up to him. Sounds weird behaviour to me, but I have a friend of nearly 50 years standing who now lives miles away and his partner won't let me speak to him on the phone unless she is there and the speaker is on. People are weird.

https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/

I am not too sure I would say abusive but maybe controlling. It’s just the use of family unit that get said. my brother loves her and I feel he will do anything to please her and not realise.

My partner and I are different as we don’t need to be together for everything, so wasn’t sure if that was clouding me. I did ask if he wanted to come. He said he spends time with my mum but equally I need to spend quality time with my family. Which I feel is normal.

This is like my sister and her partner. He complained when we had a day out at Alton Towers with my son and niece. They also always have us on loud speaker and it's fucking infuriating. We've regularly told them to stop doing it. They're honestly inseparable.

Yes, it's oddly claustrophobic at best. Manipulative and controlling at worst.

It is a precursor for abuse. Make sure he gets the info he needs. Don't dismiss it just because he is a man.

Your brother has a mobile phone presumably? Can you ring him when he's at work on a break or something so that he's not at home? Ask him if he's ok. Say you feel like he's never allowed to talk to you or see you without her. Ask if he's happy?

I mean - honestly i'm not sure that a nearly 50 year old man, with kids, who lives near and seems to see his mum regularly in his own home is an obvious candidate for being abusively controlled by his girlfriend. But you never know.

Have you asked your mum if he seems happy?

I just wanted to say re: the loud speaker thing - my DH always puts his mum and dad on loudspeaker when they ring or when he rings them. He likes to do it cos they talk a lot and he forgets all the family gossip news as soon as the phone goes down ! In one ear and out the other.

He hates having to remember and retell it all to me so just bungs it on loudspeaker so the whole room (of women who are actually taking it in) hears it all and he just makes appropriate noises 🤣

My mum says she is nice and family orientated and has welcomed her. Says though she is too much at times. Says my brother is happy. He does look happy. She does try and make an effort. But think she doesn’t realise that we are not super close and don’t do much as a family except meet up for a day.

suppose looking at it her family unit also includes her friends. So when I have gone for family days and parties it’s her and her massive group of friends plus the 4 of us. Lovely to get invited but they get drunk and loud which is not us.

Yes it’s odd and controlling.

If this were a man saying a women couldn’t see her own family without him, it would be seen as awful.

Id be having a word with brother, that it’s not normal and he doesn’t need her permission to see family.

Ring your brother this weekend as you know his partner is out and explain to him that this is controlling and potentially abusive behaviour. Just reassure him that you will be there for him if his partner crosses the line of what’s acceptable and he is to always remember that.

Yeah, that's incredibly controlling and weird of her and if that was my brother and there was a pattern forming, I'd be concerned.