I know this might sound odd - relaxing / self care

[relaaaaax]

I know this might seem like a weird thing to post but I wanted to see if others feel like this?

i feel like I’ve been in survival mode most of my life. I’ve never really known what it is to relax. It’s not something that comes easy to me, to the point I’ll be uncomfortable for ages before realising.
for example - sitting bolt upright on the settee or on the edge of the settee for ages, not lying down etc. this is with the tv on etc.

last night I lay on the settee and put a blanket over me. And I thought “this is actually quite nice” then it dawned on me that people must do this all the time. When people talk about ‘getting cosy’ which is something my friend says all the time.

I’m almost 40 by the way.
I had an ex who I’m now divorced from. When we lived together, I couldn’t relax. As in my ex also didn’t want me to.
My ex would even say to me “I don’t want you relaxing”. This was even when I was pregnant.
if I did sit down and my ex was coming through the door, I’d quickly get up and busy myself. My ex was very controlling.

we were married 10 years but I’ve lived in my own house with DC for a year now.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I suppose I just want to learn how to feel relaxed and do things that are nice and calming for me but it isn’t easy and it really is a conscious effort to.

It seems you have lived so long in a state of alert that it's hard to shake off. I'd say, like most things, you need to practise relaxing to get good at it. You're taking the first steps by noticing that you sit upright etc. Try and notice a bit more- do you hold your breath or breathe very shallowly? Is your jaw clenched? Or your stomach clenched? Are you curling your toes? Are your shoulders hunched up?Throughout the day, try and notice where your body is not relaxed- and relax it... even if a few moments later, you're all tense again. You could even try a YouTube 5 min body scan type thing. Or simply take 5 longer relaxed breaths as a reset.
I also love heat and find it so relaxing and comforting to sit on the sofa with my heated throw turned up to the max. That really helps me unstiffen and breathe. Some people get the same effect from a hot bath but the heated blanket is easier and more practical.
The mind and the body are so connected- your body is tense because of years of feeling on edge in your mind. Your home can be your happy place now, your sanctuary.

Bless you OP. I don't get much time but when I do, a good book, a cosy oodie, light a candle, relaxing music, a lovely herbal tea..and my recent favourite fond is the self heating face masks. I had sinus pain recently and that heat was sooooo soothing and lovely anyway. Hot water bottle? There's something very calming about heat.

OP, I think you’ve been in survival mode for so long. Try out a hot bu blue bath with a candle and a boom, heaven!

I think you’re going to need to try a few things and see how they feel and what you enjoy. Last year I got a hammock for the garden, really thought I’d hate it and feel awkward and scared getting in/out of it but DD was keen so I figured why not. It’s one of my favourite things in the world, it’s out in the garden under a permanent gazebo so rain proof and I bought a really really think warm blanket that lives in a box next to it. Year round I will nip out when I can and have a little doze in my hammock, sometimes basking in the sun, sometimes wrapped up like a burrito, sometimes listening to the birds and the kids playing, sometimes listening to the rain pattering on the gazebo roof.

When I’m angry, frustrated, annoyed I head to the car, I pick a loud shouty playlist of metal/punk/rock music whack it up high and take a drive singing along to the music at the top of my voice. Within a few minutes I’ll be smiling or laughing at myself and just enjoying the music.

Sometimes I’ll go to a little independent cafe on a popular walking route, order a latte and just sit and people watch or read my book.

After work and after all the essential house stuff is done like feeding everyone and getting ready for the next day, I’ll get into my PJs/Oodie, find a comfy position on the sofa usually curled up under a blanket and spend a bit of time mindlessly scrolling on MN, Twitter, Facebook etc, just stop thinking and doom scroll for a little while.

As with all the great points suggested up thread I also recommend a weighted blanket as a great way of relaxing and feeling secure. I was shocked at how effective it is. They can be hot so for relaxing over the winter months on the sofa is perfect and you can try it to sleep.

Its good that youve become aware of the tension you are holding and can start to work on it. Have a look into somatic relaxation techniques or something like yoga or tai chi. www.hopkinsmedicine.org/office-of-well-being/connection-support/somatic-self-care

All of the above, plus gentle exercise, walking with nature, local park,wood, forest,beach, listen to the sounds, birds, trees. Do you have outside space.. then there's apps, similar sounds.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I didn’t realise I can’t even name my emotions till I was in my 40s.
Start with emptying your bedside tables. Put a scented candle on, a nice coaster for your mug and a pot of hand cream. And every evening take a mug of tea to bed, put some hand cream on and just focus on your hands, on the warmth of the tea, the smell of the candle.
I woke up this morning and put the fairy lights on, made myself a cup of coffee, came back to bed and didn’t look at the phone, I just had the coffee, the fairy lights on, the dog curled up next to me and just enjoyed being cosy and not having to wake up just yet. I have a dressing gown and slippers on while I make the coffee, so I don’t become too awake with the cold 😂

Excellent that you've discovered this now and can relax into the rest of your life!

I don't suppose you might have ADHD? I do and I find it difficult not to be busy. I have to mentally talk myself through relaxing.

I could have written this OP: I am very similar. I find relaxing more stressful than being stressed. I can’t stand boredom.

Its partly because I have a very stressful job so I feel if I am not working all the time and not vigilant I will miss or forget things.

But also because of my upbringing: my parents drilled it into me that downtime is a waste. They used to hate us watching TV, for example, and my mum would walk into rooms and turn the TV off and tell us to find something more “interesting” to do. To this day I find watching TV makes me feel appallingly guilty (not Mumsnet though!).

I know I should get better at learning to relax but it really goes against the grain.

Yes to the hammock! I bought one for my autistic son but I love it way more than he does. It's so soothing!!