Friends excluding me now I am pregnant

[Friah]

Morning everyone,

A little bit of background, 3 years ago I moved to London to be in the same city as my now husband, initially I lived in a flat share and instantly made friends with one of the women I lived with, she was also new to the city. From there we both added friends from work/uni and even though none of us live together now, or even for the matter work or study together, we have remained pretty close. When I got married earlier this year all 4 of them were my bridesmaids.
I’m now 7 months pregnant, I’m a little older than them who are all 25-27, so I’m the only married and soon to be parent in the group. Since announcing my pregnancy the friendship has adjusted a little, I expected this as they obviously still enjoy going out for drinks, but there has also been some natural evolution as several of them have moved in with their partners and we are all “growing up”. Generally though other than events that have been very clearly “drinking” I’ve still be invited until the last month or so.
The last time I met up with any of them was for one of their house warming parties, this was early September. Since then I’ve seen them meet up in pairs etc, but had no reason to think there had been any group events and I’ve been pretty tired so not really making the effort to meet up with them individually either. We have a group chat that is basically active most days and sometimes we call each other just to catch up.

Onto tonight, I know some people may judge this but as a group we really enjoy the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, last year we had a little watch party and really enjoyed it. This year we spoke about the models/musical performers as they were announced in the group chat, but no one seemed to be making any plans and I figured that it was probably as we’d all grown up a bit in the last year. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a little scroll on instagram and to my surprise they did all meet up, they seemed to go out for dinner and drinks before going back to one of their flats to watch it. Now I know it’s silly, it’s just a fashion show and fundamentally I don’t actually care about that, but I am quite hurt to be excluded as while I can’t drink, I can eat and would have happily had a soft drink if they had wanted to go to a bar between dinner and going home. I know I’ve been tired so might not have stayed for the whole thing but there is a part of me that feels quite hurt to have been excluded.
I’m fully aware friendships evolve overtime and rarely last forever but considering these girls were just my bridesmaids back in January, I didn’t really anticipate the friendships breaking down already.

AIBU to be hurt, and maybe message one of them (the one I’d say I’m closest to and who happened to be the one hosting by the looks of it) to ask if there was a reason I wasn’t invited? I don’t know if it would be worth it or if I’m better just accepting friendships evolve as we move to different life stages.

Awkwardly though I am having my baby shower (I know not everyone’s taste either) at the weekend and they are all invited, and seem to be coming!

If it makes sense for two of them to meet up why don’t you believe them? Two meet up and they call the other friend who then joins, sounds innocent enough. Maybe if they were already out and about to have dinner they didn’t call you because you are 25 mins away plus you’d need time to maybe get ready and they were out and wanting to eat now for a quick dinner then head home not hang around for an hour to wait for you. What your friend responded doesn’t seem like a lie.
You say you’ve been tired and not making much effort, why is it ok for you to not make effort but you feel slighted that they don’t? I wouldn’t read into it, your pregnant they are moving in with partners dynamics change as circumstances do

@Friah
Just believe her and let it go. Otherwise you really are going to cause resentment and friendship problems.
Youve questioned being ‘left out’ …… if they’re good friends they’ll not do it again.
The reality is that they know you’re moving on….. you’re about to make some new friends and connections which they’ll be left out of.
It’s about trying to keep a balance. Not all friends are there for life

I think I can see both sides of this. The reality is, it's just hard to maintain close friendships when lifestyles diverge significantly. It can happen the other way too, where the majority of a group of friends are married or partnered and pregnant/trying/have young kids and the childless/childfree/single minority get left out.

Sometimes friends don't know how to continue to include you and you have to make your needs and capacity more explicit. They may not want to invite you to things that may make you tired or even feel unwell. You may need to be proactive about suggesting things you can all do together and that you can manage while pregnant/with a baby, rather than waiting for them to invite you to things.

I think that's an overly negative way to view it. That's the best way to make life miserable, taking the worst interpretation of stuff like this and deciding people are to be dismissed.

By that point they’d have to stop and wait for you to get ready and get there? And then likely leave early. Why can’t they have an impromptu meet up and not invite extras? Sometimes things just don’t work out that way

Some people on here jump at every chance to insult and belittle women who they know nothing about. It’s really bizarre.

I think you sound immature rather than ‘grown up’.
the last thing I wanted to do at 7m pregnant was meet anyone for drinks and a late night. So to me I would just assume the same!
also I can imagine them having drinks and being at the pub and then there’s you there too, they might have felt awkward making you stay there.
the reply sounds completely fine. You will find that once your baby is here your time will be very , very restricted and you will have to skip a lot of spontaneous events too.

It sounds like you've already turned down a few invitations when you say Since announcing my pregnancy the friendship has adjusted a little, I expected this as they obviously still enjoy going out for drinks so makes sense they would stop inviting you for drinks which is how this evening started.

Victoria Secrets? Wow. I can't believe you are. Into the show

I think that’s a bit much! I don’t see anything juvenile about a group of young ladies going out for dinner and drinks then retiring safely back to one of their own flats to watch a favourite show together! Whatever the reason for exclusion is, it doesn’t make them as a group ‘silly’ 🙄.

Op this really is just the beginning, your baby will be here soon and your life will completely change - unless one of your friends joins you by also becoming pregnant a proper shift will inevitably take place. They will catch up in time.

You will make new friends - usually other new parents and have an exciting chapter ahead of you, sleepless nights will mean you are unlikely to want to go out with them for a while.

I would loosen both your expectations and interest in the group for now, and focus on your new baby and meeting new friends. They are not going to be interested in the way you are about babies etc as they are not at that stage. It can be boring to listen to, but this is going to be a huge part of your life very soon, and most new mothers enjoy the camaraderie of other new mothers. Look for that through NCT and other groups

I understand it’s not everyone’s taste, and there are some genuine issues with the nature of the show. However one of my friends used to be a runway model in her late teens/early 20s so enjoys it from that perspective and the show has made a real effort in the last 2 years to be more inclusive and show a wider variety of bodies.
Additionally, I believe women are capable of many many things, be that being great athletes, great musicians, great thinkers, great scientists etc. one of the things some women are also gifted with is being unattainably attractive and having incredible confidence/posture/stage presence required to be a good VS angel. I am a believer in celebrating all aspects of being a woman and part of that does include what in my mind VS has rebranded to be about in the last 2 years.
There is also an aspect of nostalgia having watch a lot of the 2010 shows as a teenager.

When your baby comes along you will be the one doing this.

It's just life.

In conversations about childfree and childless women on here, so many kind women say that of course there is no judgement about their choices or circumstances. This is likely because they are nice people, who don't judge. And then you see a ridiculous, mean spirited, closed minded post like this and remember how many judgemental idiots are still out there.
If anything smells of 'silly little girls' it's narrow minded views like this, that likely come from a lack of wide life experience.

I voted YABU because you haven’t suggesting meeting up for months but expect to be always included.

If you have the energy to go to a bar, then you have the energy to suggest a meet up.

Silly little girls? They are young women in their twenties who enjoy socialising. OP isn’t going to have many friends left if she starts despising them for not having babies.

Yes, and you've already not been making an effort to see them because you're tired. You can't take offence that they didn't make the effort once.

Unfortunately this happens. You think you know who your friends are until you get pregnant. All mine disappeared. Most still don’t have kids and one had one 5 years ago (had my first baby 15 years ago). The one who has the 5 year old was the first to reach out wanting to be ‘besties’ again but I never responded. Have made mum friends over the years and have two boys who play sports and in various teams. I’m not short of friends or acquaintances. It will feel lonely and hurtful for a while but you soon find your people, new people who get you and understand.

Agreed.

I find it really weird and crap that women do this to each other. And people saying 'it's just what happens'. It only happens if your friends are shallow and immature. I stayed friends with friends that had babies well before me (even though I was adamant I didn't want kids, didn't know how to be around kids and probably did stuff that annoyed them like suggesting drinking related activities and forgetting to be quiet after their bedtimes). I went to visit them rather than meeting out. I bought their kids presents. I took an interest even though I wasn't interested. Because they were / are nice people and they were still the same people after kids, we still had plenty of non kid related things to talk about, and I don't base my friendships purely on other people being in the same life stage as me (although not denying that it's easier to maintain friendships sometimes when you have more practical things in common). I've not got children and most other friends have treated me the same as well.

The OP hasn't even had the baby yet. So if her friends are dropping her on the basis that she can't drink, that's absolutely shit. What would happen if one of you was on medication where they couldn't drink for a while? Would they be dropped as well?

You said in your post you have been too tired to make an effort to meet up with them individually - so you have gone quiet which is understandable at 7 months pregnant

They were out drinking and night evolved.

Soon your going to have your hands full and wont be able to go to spur of moment nights out.

Here we are in era where men and women can finally choose whether they want to have kids or not without as much societal pressure and you had to turn it into an attack on the women! Women shouldn't have to have a child just to get your respect!

I'd ask them all at the baby shower why you didn't get an invite. You don't need to make it a big deal just jokingly say something like 'I still like fashion even though I look like a whale & would've come if i'd known you were all going'. See what they say.