DM texts on phone while I am talking to her

[CaragianettE]

Yes you read that right, DM not DD.

I keep thinking I am in the middle of a conversation with my mother, only to look across and see that she is texting someone else on her phone.

I know part of the issue - maybe the main issue - is that she believes that any message she receives must be responded to immediately. I think it’s a generational thing of thinking it’s like a phone call and has to be picked up right away. I don’t think I’ll get anywhere by explaining to her how unbelievably rude I find it. But I’m just thinking about how unimaginable I would find it to behave that way to her. She doesn’t just send a one-off reply either, she will get into a long text conversation and just leave me sitting there in silence when I’m visiting her.

AIBU to find this upsetting? Have you experienced this with your DM?

(And to save any snarky replies in advance: no I’m not in the habit of delivering long monologues about paint drying, and she’s not trying to make a much-needed point. We get on well and in the days before phones we would have just been chatting happily.)

Of course it’s rude.
Mine used to watch TV during my phone calls. I was very vocal about it and a couple of time said to her : Bye mum, I can see you are busy.
It helped. 🙂

How often is this happening when you are speaking with her? If you are sitting in silence, it sounds like she must receive lots of texts?

It wouldn't really bother me, I'd probably make a joke about it but not find it offensive or upsetting. It's not unusual for my Mum, husband, teenagers or me to check things on our phone during casual conversations! It would be different if it were a serious topic being discussed.

Don’t think I’d care tbh. I can listen and write

Is this at your home or hers?

If hers, I would get up and leave. That's the only way to train these phone addicts.

If yours, I would get up and go about my household admin, chores, etc., in another room, and ask her to leave.

There is no way I play second fiddle to a device.

Maybe you can, she can’t and doesn’t. If she’s texting then it means she’s absorbed in that conversation and I’m left sitting in silence until she decides to re-engage, could be 10 mins later. To answer a PP, it’s happening often. I think I’m going to start following the other PP’s example and just get up and do something else.

Just stop talking. Every time.

This is so rude of her.

You say you wouldn't get anywhere trying to explain how awful her behaviour is. Have you not said anything about it at all to her? Because honestly you should tell her how rude she is being.

And if you talk to her about her doing this and she still continues to ignore you while she messages people then I would follow pp's suggestion of getting up and leaving her to it as she is obviously more interested in her phone than in you.

My mum is similar to this. Always either on Duolingo or scrolling through Instagram reels. Doesn’t listen or look at you when you speak to her. It’s very rude and it has affected our relationship. I would advise not speaking to her when she’s using the phone and limiting your visits. It’s difficult and I sympathise.

Their brains are aging and are not as astute as when young and polite.
I experienced this with my teenagers before they grew reasonable. In the car and at the table I insisted that the phone be turned off. We made family acceptable rules and boundaires.
Talk to your mother about when it would be a polite time to allow her messaging, phoning and device playing activities to over ride her real life company. Agree to some rules for when she is not alone (that you also will follow).

Check phone once every hour.
Verbally excuse herself for only important calls and be short in response.
Turn off the sound when hosting a guest.

She will still have hours and hours available to scroll and text.

It's important to keep up skills of vision and communication - to talk,listen and express, to read another person's face and to sit up straight, look further to the horizon and exercise smiles and laughs.

YANBU I have the same issue with my mum I’m sitting
there talking to her thinking she’s listening to me and she’s sitting there looking at her phone ignoring me or watching the TV and ignoring me I find it so rude and really irritating. When someone is talking to me they get my full attention.

It depends. Are you trying to have a serious conversation or is it just casual chit chat?

You're not special, we can all listen and write. But it doesn't mean we should, it's incredibly rude.