To get my recently bereaved colleague a care package?

[NoOneToCallWhenThePlaneLands]

My colleague has recently lost her partner of over 20 years. To cut a long ish story short, she needs help with the probate process but doesn’t want to pay a solicitor. I have experience of it so I’m going to help her get everything in order and figure out where she stands and what she needs to do next.

I’m going to go over at the weekend, but turning up empty handed feels a little feeble. We’ve all sent flowers and according to other people in the office she is overwhelmed with flowers and plants. I was thinking of just picking up some nice bits - her favourite biscuits, a fancy tea/coffee, just little bits of luxury for when she wants a little pick me up. But I don’t know if It seems condescending?

Absolutely a lovely thing to do.
Sometimes it’s the smallest things that make a difference

I think that sounds lovely

That would be a nice thing to do, helping her with her admin would be even nicer. I don't think it would come across as condescending.

No, it's not condescending, it's a thoughtful gesture - especially if you frame it in a nice way eg "we'll need a cup of tea while we're doing this so I brought these"

Sounds lovely and so thoughtful

Your help with probate is vastly more of a gesture than a care package.

Taking get a care package as well might make her feel even more guilty about you giving up your time to help with such an onerous job.

(I speak as a widow and as someone landed with probate after my mum's recent death)

I’m absolutely going to be on hand with it and offer to help with all papers etc., any forms she needs. It’s a horrible process, let alone when it’s for someone you love.

I just wasn’t sure on the care package because it seems so feeble but also I know when I’ve been deep in grief before it’s the smallest things that can brighten your day

Keep it low key, regular biscuits and nice tea bags will do it
Shes got enough going on without feeling she has to be conspicuously cheery about a gift. It’s actually really thoughtful what you’re doing. When the fug of bereavement lifts she will remember your kindness. Just be normal, regular. It’s what one craves at time of bereavement, regular interaction and some genuine company

Providing it's not too much, I think it's lovely. Taking loads of meals might make it look as it you thought she couldn't care for herself and cooking could be something "normal" she enjoys doing, but I think taking some nice cake or biscuits to fortify you both for doing admin would be lovely... let's be clear bereavement admin sucks...!

It’s very thoughtful so go for it if you want. But I just want to say that helping a grieving woman with the nightmare admin of probate is probably one the nicest things anyone can do. How very kind of you, OP. The time and practical help you are offering will no doubt be appreciated and valued more than anything you take round.

Ah I have experience of it and while I hated working in the area because it is just exploiting grieving people for money, I like the process of actually getting it done! It’s a lot of organisation and I quite enjoy that!

Its really kind of you to help her out with the legal stuff, I know when I was in the same position even though mine was straightforward it was still daunting .

A close friend of mine came over with a bar of chocolate, a couple of cans of Guinness and some frozen pizzas that I could cook when I couldn't be cope with cooking .
But the thing I appreciate the most was her quiet presence and her willingness to just listen .
She had only met my DH a few times but she recalled a few stories and made me laugh.
She and the group we were all part of kept in touch but without pestering .

Just be there for your friend, but don't promise things that you can't fulfil, I had a few of them and I hate those people now

I think because I’m so much younger than her I don’t want to come off condescending or like I think some biscuits and nice tea will fix it, or like it’ll make the process any easier. But I also think turning up with nothing is just pathetic too.

I think you are overthinking it.
Your age doesn't matter at all , your heartfelt kindness means everything.
Dont tell her she will be fine,
Don't tell her time heals
Don't tell her life goes on
They are all true but it's not what she needs tobhear right now.

She needs practical help which you are giving and a friend, which you obviously are.

I had family that helped but someone outside the family can give a better perspective.
( it's also why I joined MN )

I think I am, I just don’t want to cause offence or upset anyone!

That's so nice. And actually I remember after a major bereavement in my and my husband life, just having someone pop over was so helpful. I was afraid of being alone for a while after a bereavement and found it hard when dh went back to work.

You’re a lovely person, OP.

Another one to say you are doing just the right things - offering your time and practical help is invaluable and the 'care package' adds just the right note.

Flowers/plants are lovely but also added 'work' when energy/reserves are likely to be low.