Baby name dilemma

[Arty174]

I’m currently about six months pregnant with my second child, and have a name that I’ve always LOVED for a boy (which we’ve found out that this baby is). However, a school friend of mine had a BIL of the same name who sadly died of cancer a couple of years ago. I never met this man (or knew anything about him until his diagnosis), but he was only in his twenties and my friend and her whole family were understandably devastated (they’ve since set up a charity in his name).

In terms of my relationship with my friend, we’re not hugely close as individuals anymore but are part of a largish school group who see each other a couple of times a year and have a group WhatsApp that’s regularly contributed to. But, for example, I think she’s met my first child once, at most twice (not at all a dig - this friend doesn’t have children so we’re currently living quite different lives). I suppose I’m explaining that because while I expect (and hope) we’ll continue to stay friends for years, my children/their names won’t exactly feature in her daily life.

So, AIBU to consider this? If we did decide to use the name I would absolutely speak to my friend about it first, but am currently dithering about whether or not it’s worth it. I really wouldn’t want to upset her, but just struggling to let go of a name that I’ve loved for so long.

Totally fine to use the name

YANBU to consider it at all. She might not ever meet your child.

Only exception I'd make is if it was very very unique. But unless it is Cosimo-Leopoldus III, then I think you'd be fine.

I wouldn't spend time on it.
Use the name. It's fine.

You’re WAY overthinking this. Just use the name.

I don't see an issue with this. Especially if you tell your friend that you wish to call your son this name..
I would hope they would be pleased that their loved family members name will live on with your son.

Just talking with my best friend. Her BIL also died, under 40. I met him a couple of times. I said to her if I had another baby and named him “Jim” would you be upset. She said no and wouldn’t really think of them being connected. I think you’re really overthinking it for someone who isn’t that close to you.

Interesting, thank you all! I absolutely have a tendency to overthink - I think it was largely because she kept our group very updated during his treatment and because she and her family are so involved in the set-up/running of his charity that I worried it might be insensitive. Good to hear that others don’t see it that way.

I'd find it a bit odd and surprising but wouldn't think too much into it.

Is it an unusual name?
And do you know BIL's middles name(s), so that you can at least avoid those?

If it's common like James - no probs at all

If it's very unique it might feel a bit odd.

Is it more an Oscar or a Quentin?

I’d speak to her to give her the heads up, but also to check she’s not planning on having kids and using the name.

For me it depends if it is a ten a penny name like Oliver or Theo, or something unusual like Ichabod. If the former, there’s no way she’ll think you’ve actually named your baby after her brother in law who you never met. So tenuous!

Hmmm, it seems to have dropped out of the UK’s top 100 names in the last year or two - but I would say definitely a classic, if maybe not that common right now? In my head it was around 50-70 for a while.

And just to be clear, I’m not worried she’ll think I named the baby after him. I’m worried that she might find it upsetting to be regularly confronted with the name (even if she doesn’t see my baby much in person - although I’m fairly confident she’ll see him at some point - she’ll definitely come across the name regularly in our chat).

Is it something like Peter? Ie well known name but not really in use atm? If so then I think ok as she will hear of other peters in day to day life already