This is a long one so I apologise but I’m at my wits end with my partner and family, the current situation I'm in is making me very depressed and sucking the joy from me.
Let me give the context, I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 children and a decent life. I’m a high earner and I’ve built a good career for myself, my partner also has a decent income. On the surface you’d think we have a pretty good life. However, my partner and I do not match, we’re VERY different people and it’s starting to really rub off on me.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve been thinking about leaving my partner on/off for the last couple of years. Probably since having children and realising how selfish he is. If we were to separate although it would sting me a bit financially I’d be fine and able to provide, but other than that my day to day life with work/kids/walking dogs/cleaning the house/cooking dinners/mothers workload wouldn’t change as I do pretty much everything it entails in running a house and looking after kids (all whilst being the breadwinner by a lot!!).
This isn’t actually the main issue, although it’s not great! The main issue is my partner is MISERABLE!!! Oh my god, we have nothing in common, he doesn’t want to do anything, his only interest in going to watch Arsenal!! He’s a great dad and I won’t take that away from him, he does bedtime every night and he loves them more than anything. But he’s a shit partner, he’s very selfish, he’s rude, he speaks to me like shit, he’s lazy, takes him two weeks to do a simple job, moans about EVERYTHING!! How people drive, how people walk, cyclist, old people, you name it and he could moan about it, it’s draining.
We also have different motivations, I want to move to a bigger house, which we can afford, but because he’s got shit credit (although he has absolutely no reason he should except laziness!!!) we can’t move house, our current house is in my name only and he didn’t contribute a penny to the deposit or the renovation costs but does pay half the mortgage. He doesn’t want to move, he doesn’t want to grow, I’m a very driven and ambitious person, a go getter, positive, lots of friends, and he’s honestly the complete opposite.
Another thing that’s been a huge issue is he doesn’t like my family. My family can also be quite selfish and my mum isn’t great, she expects a lot, doesn’t take accountability, doesn’t really help us out that much but when she does it’s held over me and expected favours in return. My dad is hit or miss, usually too busy with his new wife and spunking loads of money. Anything my family does he uses it as a big excuse to beat the drum of why my family are so horrible and he almost enjoys it. Additional context to this is his family are non-existent, they’re nice enough but make no effort with our children, we don’t live near them so we can’t ask them for childcare support. vs my family, albeit selfish and rude they do help with childcare.
I suspect my partner is controlling, I don’t even think he intentionally realises he does this but all through our relationship he seems to look for ways to cut me off from friends and family. However, I’m a very strong woman and I wouldn’t let him do that and kinda tell him to f off and roll my eyes or point out to him what he’s doing, when he says he isn’t and then double’s down on how selfish my mum is or my friend is or my sister is etc etc.
I guess bottom line is I’m miserable, I notice how happier I am when he’s not around or when I’m with friends or work colleagues or the kids but without him. Whenever he’s around I feel my energy lower and I feel drained by his presence. I know deep down what I need to do but I know the grass isn’t always greener and our kids love their dad and would be so so upset. Do I just stick it out for another 10 years for the kids or do I end things.