Grandparents not visiting in half term, gutted

[enjoyingtheleaves]

I'm from Europe and live in the UK since 12 years. I make a huge effort to see my parents/ my sons GP as often as possible, we are very close- I go there every 3 months at the least and spend the full summer holidays there. I talked to them that it would be nice if they came over as well (just for full disclosure, they are very fit and healthy), and they have just said now that no, they are not going to come over in October half term, but next Easter.

However- they constantly say how much they miss the grandson and make me feel bad!! AIBU to think this is unfair? They are retired and have lots of time to visit, yet only visit every 1.5 years on average.

Maybe they're busy with their own lives? Families do drift apart when you have to take flights to visit. It's expensive, time consuming and stressful. Especially in school holidays!
Once every 1.5 years sounds average. How old is grandson?

It's hard for grandparents to have a close bond long distance. How does your son react to visits?

Do you make them feel welcome? Nice guestroom, clean bedding and towels, home comforts like dressing gowns, slippers and favourite toiletries?

Space for them to leave their stuff between visits, a wardrobe or rail to hang clothes? Ideally guests have their own bathroom too. My family visit more often now we have a guestroom with TV and private ensuite! Much more like a holiday, rather than sofa surfing or sleeping on a campbed and queuing for shower. My parents value privacy and siestas.

Is guestroom warm? My mum was too embarrassed to say she was cold. I only noticed when she started bringing her electric blanket 😳

Do they have a good time with you when they stay? Honestly?
Eg do you expect them to fit into your routines and help with childcare/housework (works for some families, but may leave them feeling unappreciated or in the way if they want to be treated as visitors)?

At Easter, I suggest you plan the weeks as if a special, treasured time with your parents. Focus on them. Fun day trips, pamper them a bit. Cook their favourite meals. They probably miss you and would love some childfree time, so get DH to have toddler at times: take parents out for a nice meal, or fancy brunch, or spa (whatever they like). Plan some trips aimed at their interests as well as kid stuff. It gets boring being dragged around zoos and softplay. Good for child to learn about their interests too. My mum loves cathedrals and old buildings, so we do sightseeing too. She loves telling DC about the architecture and taking photos.

Well when they say "we miss grandson" just take it at face value we thinking and missing...does not mean you have to feel guilty. That is on you.
Just say great see you next year will share a pic on whatsapp of dc at weekend

Being fit and healthy when older is very different to when you are younger. There is also the cost and juggling day to day things that’s involved when you go away. Many retired people have a lot of things that they do.

If you see them for several-days visits every three months and spend the full summer there, perhaps they feel as though they see plenty of you - it’s significantly more time than most families spend together. Have a conversation with them about whether they’d consider doing more of the visits to you rather than you to them all the time - assuming that they are in good health, can afford to travel, and speak good English, which if they aren’t and can’t, is probably why they aren’t keen to.

You don’t need to feel guilt when they say they miss their grandson. It doesn’t necessarily mean they expect you to bring him to see them more often, they’re just expressing a feeling.

Thanks for your post however there are a few things I find extremely odd. First up, plenty of people have very close family ties despite living far away- I know lots of them. You really make time count when you have it together. Stuff about "have they got a wardrobe" etc is just completely odd, of course they do and we treat them like royalty when they are here

Thank you, this is very helpful- maybe I am expecting too much/ or they are happy with the time we spend together. You are right with the timings- we see DH' family once a month for a few hours!

Thank you. That's true, I probably shouldn't feel guilty about it. We will go there for christmas anyways!

Yabu, i see my parents twice a year they moan about not seeing grandchildren but they have their lifes, we have our life and yes they are both retired and only live 3 hours away!

My parents are retired and relatively helathy. But you can tell that traveling takes a toll on them

YABU, you have chosen to live in a country away from your parents and there are consequences to that choice. I did the same, and much preferred where I moved to, but had to accept grand parenting would be very different to maybe what we all would have wished.
You don’t realise until you’re in that stage of life yourself that it doesn’t matter how fit and healthy you are, age itself often tires and makes home ever more enticing.

Sounds fair enough, you decided to move abroad and they still plenty of you and your DS.

If people don’t reciprocate visits that they can’t moan they don’t see you.

Stop spending all your holidays there. Wouldn’t your dc like to see some other countries?

If you visit less, your family will visit you.

They they should stop guilt tripping OP.

How old are they?

Traveling is full on, you've got to lug your baggage on the train to the airport, walk distances, go through long lines, sit, file onto plane and sit in uncomfortable seats, file off, go through long lines, maybe go find baggage, then walk distances again, and maybe have to find transport to yours. That's a long process and it puts wear and tear on everyone.

They might be getting to the point where it's so uncomfortable and possibly painful to travel that they'd rather stay home. They're already seeing the grandkids multiple times a year.

Your expectations that they come to you more because they're retired, unreasonable.

My mum did hit a point where she found international travel just too stressful. Fully fit and well just too much hassle.

Yeah this is what op needs : not only does she have to look after a toddler but she also has to give the grandparents the royal treatment! Wtf.

I really feel your pain op: my parents too live abroad and they rarely come visit. And when they do, they strangely become completely incompetent and cannot decide the simplest thing. I do literally everything.
They are no help whatsoever and will not even drive where we live.

It just means it feels like I'm looking after 2 extra children -

As much as I love the UK, that time of the year is a bit miserable, bad weather, shorter days...not that its much better in Europe but it's just not worth travelling so close to Christmas.
I always recommend my friends who want to visit me in London to avoid it between Oct and Feb, it's just not as enjoyable as an experience.