Toxic negative family members

[Borethefuckoff]

Both parents super negative. Now both retired but do nothing. Mum wants to do more but dad just sits at home. He has no health issues just has no get up and go and can’t be bothered to go out. Mum has one friend but this friend is also negative and miserable. Her one friend hates her job and my mum is obsessed about it… tells us every time we see her how ‘oh poor Kate is so fed up at work… so and so said this and she said this etc’ I am so fucking bored of hearing about it. She won’t leave my dad despite him making her miserable as ‘easier to stay financially!’. I arrange things with her such as Xmas outings, cinema etc but it tends to be dominated by her telling us about her depressing friend (as she has nothing else to talk about!) I change the subject and talk about my friends and what I’ve been up to but it sounds like I’m bragging as I have a busy social life with happy, positive people! (I know she’s jealous as she’s mentioned in the past!)
I literally dread seeing her! I’ve dealt with a lot of past trauma with therapy as my childhood wasn’t amazing (no abuse or anything) but a miserable jealous mum and dad who didn’t like kids! So having got over that I want to want to see her but I just find it sooo draining!

I have a friend who is similar and have distanced myself from her…. But harder with family!!

How would you deal with this and stop it effecting you? Btw this is her favourite emoji 🙄

You should try to limit communication with your mother.
You must understand at her age she is very unlikely to change her mindset.
Does she have anything she likes or anything she is good at can you introduce a hobby to her or encourage her to go out to craft workshops or something like that.
i have been no contact with my mother for nearly two years I am in my late thirties and it’s the best thing I have ever done for myself.

It’s so hard to go no contact as she wants more contact! She’s never been there as a grandparent but now offers to have my daughter (who is 7) who doesn’t know her nor want to stay there which is sad!
She’s always grateful if we do arrange stuff but still seems to spend the time moaning! I did arrange an art thing with her that we did every Sunday for 6 weeks but she made my dad give us a lift (despite me saying I could drive) like she has to rely on him and his miserable moaning in the car ruined it for me!!

I have encouraged her to get a hobby or reach out to other friends who might like to go for a walk/lunch etc. Not sure she has though

I just hate their company and wish I could let it wash over me! I feel one day I’ll just say ‘Jesus Christ shut up moaning!!’

I feel like I’ve done my bit I now just need to reduce seeing her!

I think I would have to tell them how you feel, especially your mum as you see her more.

My mum can be similarly negative. My siblings pussy foot around her but then don't see her as much.

My mum seems to appreciate that I call her out on her negativity at times. Not immediately at the time, but she has said she likes that we can argue and then be hugging again an hour later.

I think if you speak to your mum and she makes no effort to change, then I would just see her a lot less.

'I just hate their company'

I feel similar about my parents and for broadly similar reasons. Loads of sympathy from me - it's unbelievably wearing listening to moaning and misery all the time. It's so hard to connect with someone when they have so little in their lives and so little to bring to a conversation. You mention trauma and a childhood that wasn't a great - again, hard relate to that. That's not an easy thing to 'get over', so please go easy on yourself. I'm still processing my own feelings towards my parents about my childhood and I know that won't be finished any time soon

Your post says a lot about what your mum wants and expects but you are allowed to have your own feelings and expectations too. Same for your daughter - she doesn't have to spend time with your mum just because it's what Granny expects. You can still set some boundaries and spend a manageable amount of time with your mum. She might be disappointed - that's ok, none of us get exactly what we want all the time. It's not down to you to make your mum happy - a lot of that is her own responsibility