To not let DD15 sleepover at her girlfriend's house?

[Sparrow7]

DD15 met a girl the same age but from a different school a couple of months ago at sixth form college open day and they immediately hit it off. They have been hanging out a lot and DD has stayed over a few times. (I've met her mum and she is lovely). They have now decided to start dating. I think now they are dating she shouldn't stay over. DH doesn't care as "it's not like anyone is in danger of getting pregnant."
For context she has a twin brother who has been with his girlfriend 6 months. We have previously discussed that are not allowed to sleepover at each other's houses (not that they've asked) and that we would revisit the conversation once they are both 16.
DD told me a couple of years ago that she is gay but this is her first relationship.
YANBU - Sleepovers are no longer appropriate and consistency with DS is important.
YABU - Let her sleepover, she was allowed to before and changing the rules now just makes it weird.

It is not right.

Homosexual acts had their own age of consent until it was brought in line with heterosexual.

Where do these cool parents draw the line? What about if she was 14? 12? ‘She’s going to do it anyway’ is a pathetic excuse to abandon safeguarding.

Let me ask a question- if the only concern is pregnancy then why not let your 14 year olds have sex under your roof if contraception is in place?

16 is the law for a reason not just due to pregnancy (which can occur at any age) but due to emotional maturity, coercion, a mental understanding of the consequences of relationships and to prevent ‘consenting’ underage children being groomed.

I feel utterly weary that everyone seems to think it’s just about pregnancy

I don't think think the only reason that people don't allow sleepovers of the opposite sex is because of the risk of pregnancy! If i had a daughter who couldn't get pregnant I'd still not let her sleep over with her boyfriend at that age as:

• there is still a risk of sti
• at a sleepover there is much more chance of being pressured into something they don't want to do
• it's quite a big step sleeping over, and makes it quite an 'adult' type relationship rather than just dating. This can put more pressure on the relationship.

I wouldn't let her sleep over because of these reasons. Plus you can't have one rule for one child and a different for another just based on their sex

That’s very sweet. I think pps have outlined things well, there are multiple good reasons for not allowing sleepovers until after 16, that you can explain to your daughter. Maybe she won’t ask for them as readily now as she will see the relationship differently?

I lost my virginity young, and wished I’d been protected from that now. At the time I thought I knew what I was doing, but definitely wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle any of it. I think you need to try and let go of the feeling guilty for being unfair and just look at the overall picture of her being young and entering her first romantic relationship, and helping her navigate that.

Ok, I was wrong! Not what I was taught. That said it is 30 years since is was 15, so it might have changed.

I think you can justify it on being consistent with her brother… it has to be fair. I get that it’s more awkward with her having slept over already but things are different now, she has told you that so that’s how it is.

I don't think think the only reason that people don't allow sleepovers of the opposite sex is because of the risk of pregnancy! If i had a daughter who couldn't get pregnant I'd still not let her sleep over with her boyfriend at that age as:

• there is still a risk of sti
• at a sleepover there is much more chance of being pressured into something they don't want to do
• it's quite a big step sleeping over, and makes it quite an 'adult' type relationship rather than just dating. This can put more pressure on the relationship.

I wouldn't let her sleep over because of these reasons. Plus you can't have one rule for one child and a different for another just based on their sex

Sometimes it can be easier to keep the answer simple & matter of fact, now that you have told me you are in a relationship the rules for relationships apply, so no sleepovers until X age, for both of you.
Adding (phrasing depending on child) that you appreciate her confiding in you and you’re always there if she wants to talk about anything.

The rule should be the same for both DC, so either keep saying no to DD or allow DS to have sleepovers too. My DS’s girlfriend was allowed to sleep over when they were 15, but they weren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed if that’s a compromise that works?

This is absolutely untrue. See sections 13 and 9 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/13
https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/9

This, amongst many other good reasons, is why sleepovers of any kind are banned in my household. Not friends, not partners, nobody.

I would probably be of the same opinion as your DH, to be honest. But I think for the sake of fairness you need to be consistent with the rules you've put in place for her brother and stick the rule of them being 16.

I don't think it's anything like as simple as some posters have implied, though, and you do need to be aware that teenagers will have sex, if they want to, whether they're allowed to stay over at each other's houses or not. I also think that emotional and sexual maturity varies a great deal from person to person in terms of when they're physically/emotionally ready for sex and relationships.

What rush? Its not up to me if other people rush or not. How do you know how long they waited or didnt wait?
I guess if there was a 'rush' it would probably because they really wanted to?

I dont really see why i would let a friend stay the night with her, but not a girlfriend?
We had conversations about not pushing anyone into anything. Consent.

I dont even think they were having sex tbh at that point. It was a few years ago anyway.

My son was a bit older when he wanted to have girls stay over, but it was same sort of conversations with him beforehand too.

My DD is 14 and my gut feeling is I would not allow this until 16. I know they have sleepovers with platonic friends but it being a romantic relationship does make a difference, I think 15 is too young emotionally for a sexual relationship

It’s a perfectly reasonable boundary