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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner going through a hard time

17 replies

Opalite2025 · 14/10/2025 19:27

My partner has lost his job and he is depressed and stressed out. The problem is that any time there is any stress in our lives I become the punchbag, I think this is a pattern of behaviour but recent events have brought it out again.

I klam not trying to make the situation about me but I am struggling to cope. I feel like he berates me for almost anything I say or do. He tries to control how I spend my money and will berate me afterwards if I spend it on something he doesn't like. Treats me like a child - telling me to sit up straight when out for dinner, telling me to get off my phone or putting it away in a drawer etc. He has thrown things and slammed doors etc during arguments. Gives me silent treatment if I complain about his behaviour. I feel at the end of my tether but I am worried about how he will cope if I leave him while he is already going through such a stressful period.

It just feels like all of its ramped and I've just got to take it. Every job he doesn't get is another day of sulking. I am so anxious everyday and I feel like it's ruining my mental and physical health. Things are going well in other aspects of my life and I can't even enjoy them as I'm so uptight about him. I feel I need to wait it out until the other stress is resolved but at the same time don't know how to get through another day of it and want to leave. He refuses to go to counselling or see anyone as I've suggested so many times before.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 14/10/2025 19:41

I’m afraid I would not put up with this. I would be sympathetic, but I’m not going to be anyone’s punchbag, and by now, if he was my DH, he would have been told that I expect him to get some professional support and treat me with respect.

I can’t see how treading on glass around him is helping - he’s not stopping, is he? He needs an ultimatum - treat me with respect or that’s it. You may need to spell out what that means- no taking my phone off me, no telling me to sit up straight etc.

Autisticburnouthell · 14/10/2025 19:42

He is abusive.

Counselling may help if he accepts he is an abuser but the research is clear that can only help him change his behaviour in a new relationship not one where he has already been abusive.

Vaxtable · 14/10/2025 19:51

I would be calling out his behaviour each and every time. He doesn’t get to take his issues out on you

Andthatrightsoon · 14/10/2025 21:44

Every time I've been going through a hard time in my life I haven't taken it out on those I love. Make of that that you will.

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 01:35

Autisticburnouthell · 14/10/2025 19:42

He is abusive.

Counselling may help if he accepts he is an abuser but the research is clear that can only help him change his behaviour in a new relationship not one where he has already been abusive.

I never knew this

suburberphobe · 20/01/2026 01:53

He's unemployed and berates you for how you spend your money??

Fuck him off

Autisticburnouthell · 20/01/2026 07:10

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 01:35

I never knew this

There is signifigant research which shows once abusive patterns exist in a relationship the absuer will keep repeating them even if them seem to not want to.

shouldofgotamortage · 20/01/2026 07:14

Tell him to fuck off, its your money that you earned. Your not married, so leave who cares what happens to him afterwards he’s abusive.

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 07:23

Autisticburnouthell · 20/01/2026 07:10

There is signifigant research which shows once abusive patterns exist in a relationship the absuer will keep repeating them even if them seem to not want to.

this explains a lot

TheSandgroper · 20/01/2026 07:32

Stop worrying and how he will cope if you leave him.

He has lost his job and has let loose his favourite hobby - keeping you abused and unhappy. If he looks for a new job, he won’t behave like this to a prospective employer, will he? He’s not that stupid.

Have a think instead about how you will cope in a quiet, pleasant environment. You can buy yourself a pretty top, a Mars bar and you can sit whichever way is most comfortable for you both at the beginning of a day and at the end of a day.

I do believe you will cope wonderfully well and that your anxiety is dancing on tiptoes to pack up with you and go so you can both be happy.

Enrichetta · 20/01/2026 07:34

Why are you just sitting there and feeling anxious instead of telling him to back off and deal with his own issues

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2026 07:50

Fuck this for a game of soldiers. He’s berating you and bullying you in your own home because he can’t find a job? And telling you how to spend money when he’s not bringing it in?

Why are you with him?

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 20/01/2026 07:53

He’s abusive and controlling - doesn’t matter if he’s lost his job, no one should be treated like this. I would encourage you to confide in a relative or close friend who can support you to leave him and give you somewhere to stay. I would suggest ringing women’s aid as you seek to be in a bit of denial that this is abuse

DoubtfulCat · 20/01/2026 08:11

I am so anxious everyday and I feel like it's ruining my mental and physical health.

I know this thread is old, but this is an important point.
That’s exactly what it’s doing. You are living in a state of toxic stress and your body is in a permanent state of fight or flight. In this state very few systems function as they should: you can’t digest properly, heal, sleep; your blood sugar control is all out of whack; you’re constantly inflamed. This can lead to a host of other physical conditions including triggering autoimmune disorders, diabetes, as well as generally making you less well.
Mentally you will also bear the scars. You may have or develop CPTSD, as well as anxiety and/or depression.

@Opalite2025 if you are still in this situation I would urge you to make arrangements to leave safely. Anyone else living with a dominator like this, please do likewise.

Opalite2025 · 20/01/2026 08:18

I left about a month after writing this once he got a job so I moved out and been NC since November

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 20/01/2026 08:25

That’s great news!

(Sorry I didn’t check the date…)

Abd80 · 04/02/2026 12:49

.

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