Awful at being a stepparent.

[imsouseless]

I have no children of my own yet, but I am pregnant.

DSS is 4 years old. I’ve been in his life since he was 18 months. He has lived with us for nearly 2 years as his mum lost custody of him. Long story there. Not her fault and DSS wasn’t directly affected by anything.

DH has started working evening shifts at work for extra money for the baby. He left at 6pm. I was watching television with DSS and then attempted to get him ready for bed. He bathed fine, got pjs on fine. Then when I tried to take away a bag of sweets he’d found, he screamed the house down. I mean screamed loud. I tried to calm him down - tried to ignore him, quiet words, cuddles. Nothing was calming him down. He was crying at this point and I felt awful.

When he stopped crying he said he wanted the sweets back. I said no it’s bedtime. He hit me across the face.

I had to call DH to tell him to go to bed.

im such a shit stepparent - how am I expected to be a parent?!

I don’t feel comfortable “shouting” at DSS as he’s not “mine” (I love him and see him as part of my family but I feel like I don’t have that ability). Is our family doomed?

Hes eventually gone to sleep but I am sat here crying.

hopeful bump

OP you’re doing a great job I bet. All kids test us to our limits. Top tip though. Kids often can be distracted and often will do anything if you make anything a game. I’d likely of said right (excited/enthusiastic) lets play a game - and count down saying I bet you can’t get your pyjama trousers on before I count to 10 (sweet reward), obviously might need the halves of each number if he’s slow, then the pj top… tell him he’s so good at the bedtime game, next game is find the best bedtime book (hopefully sweets long forgotten) then on the book page… right let’s see who can find the x y or z. Let him beat you. Obviously final round is I bet you can’t keep your eyes closed all night but if you can we can play bedtime again tomorrow. Lots of variations but get the gist.

He's 4. These things happen even for non step parents. Don't worry I'm sure he adores you, my stepson who I knew as a baby was very close to me at that age. Kids will test your patience to the limit. Chill...you are doing a great job

I promise you that you are not a shit stepparent. I have been in my DSS’s life since he was a baby too - he’s now nearly 7. We have him 5/6 nights a week.

my DP also works shifts and some nights my DSS is good as gold and will let me put him to bed and we chat about the world and he drifts off. There are other times I’ve had to call my DP and ask him to come home as my DSS has screamed the house down and just will not sleep without him there. It’s the trials and tribulations of kids - and as a stepparent even like us full time/nearly full time, they know where they can push us where they won’t their “actual” parents and the discipline role isn’t 100% defined. Just take each day as it comes and see how it goes - as he gets older it will get slightly easier and your place in the family will feel more secure.

You're not shit at being a step-parent, you're just taking care of a 4 year old. They can be real horrors, whether they are biologically yours or not.

Awe this isn’t a reflection on you! It’s tough being a parent or step parent. It’s obvious you care and best can do is ride out the tough times… kids aren’t like they describe in the books… sometimes they have meltdowns and it’s no reflection on you. Just think soon he will have a wee sibling and can make him a proud big brother. Most parents reading this will have faced worse and responded at times in ways we wished we hadn’t. Tomorrow morning give him a big hug and start again. 🥰 Just hoping your DH gives you that big hug and some TLC later too.

If you were a shit step parent you would have said “fuck it - have the sweets - I don’t care if your teeth fall out - you are not my kid.”

No way should you let him hit you. He should have got a very firm telling off and personally I'd have thrown the sweets away. He lives with you, to all intents and purposes he's your son so of course you should parent him.

I don't think shouting at kids, your own or not, is helpful anyway, it just hurts them and sets a bad example, so I'm glad you didn't.

That said, you obviously can't just keep getting hit, that's no good for any of you. You're in a parental role so you need to have the power to set boundaries and consequences. Work with your partner to figure out a shared approach to consequences. Pair clear boundaries with a lot of empathy too, the poor kid has had a lot of upheaval. You could look into approaches aimed at traumatised and adopted kids, given his early life these might be helpful.

Nothing to do with you. He is 4. Hits us all.

You aren't a bad step parent. It isn't easy and you're a novice, that's all. The fact that you are prepared to have a go at all makes you 5*. Don't underestimate what you are trying to do.

Your dss will respond to calm quiet consistency. No sweets before bed is right. Make sure there aren't any more lying around. Keep treats in a top cupboard.

Bath, bed, story, quick kiss/cuddle, lights out. No negotiation, and don't be put off by crying. You can only do what you think is best. The sooner he knows that is the routine, the sooner he will feel safe and reassured by it.

Be ready to catch a punch or kick next time. 4yos can be little sods. Stay calm Good luck.