How to navigate family members positing pictures of your child on social media without your permission? AIBU?

[TheAmber]

Hi,

I am not sure how to navigate the situation I’m currently experiencing. My daughter is 11 months old and I’ve never once posted a picture of her face publicly. If I have ever post a picture of her on socials, I usually cover her face or use one of the back of her head. I have shared pictures of her in my family group chats (which are private) and also privately to close friends (either as a one time image or on close friends only on Instagram).

My SIL has posted a picture (which I do love as it’s of her and my daughter) on her cover photo on Facebook. But she has not asked me / my other half if this is okay.
obviously I don’t know who she’s friends with, or what her privacy settings are like and I do feel uncomfortable with this. Especially as I do not post pictures of her myself in this way. I spoke with my other half this morning but he doesn’t see the issue with her being posted as he understands his sister wants to share a picture of her and her niece.

I did explain about how people can deep fake images and the dangers etc but he said he doesn’t believe the world is so cynical. I’ve also said about how children cannot consent to their face being used. So I’m a bit worried about sounding unreasonable and now I don’t know how to word it. Finding it difficult because me and my other half have different opinions and it’s his family.

Does anyone have any advice or how to word this nicely to her?

Please tell me it’s not just me who feels this way!

Thanks in advance x

It is difficult. I tried to do the same with my daughter but it's hard and I've ended up being more relaxed. It's nice to see photo of her out with her auntie and at school. Her school has seesaw and Facebook and she loves looking at the photos of her week every Friday. She's 4 and will tell me what her and this or that friend was doing in the photos. They also post 'star of the week' and other photos of them doing a sponsored walk or playing outside. There isn't any children in her class with their face covered so I'm happy I allowed them to post her.

Tell them not to unless you approve the use.....

Hello OP, this is really frustrating, I understand. I have grown kids and I try really hard not to post their photos on FB, if I do, I will ask their permission first. On the other hand, my sister will just post anything without asking. I never said anything and my kids did not necessarily complain, but I think at this day and age, people should know not to do this. The posters are right though, you have to talk to your partner first and then either you or he talk to the MIL and ask her not to post photos. Good luck!

This OP - just do that.
Then it's more matter of fact with the post-er.

Why should you get to overrule what her dad thinks, though? He’s ok with it.

I had this with a really good friend. I was also really stressed as I didn't want to upset her but i also didn't want pictures of my children online.

I sent a message being very apologetic ("it's not you, it's me", " sorry I know it's a real pain" etc).

She took it down immediately and was really apologetic that it hadn't occurred to her to ask, and everything was totally fine. I think if you have a good relationship it should be no big deal at all.

It's a minefield as now DS is at school he sometimes asks why he "doesn't have photo permission". He knew what it was called so I guess it does get brought up at times.

They also do star of the week in the newsletter and he's not the only one who doesn't have a picture up, i'd say maybe 5-10% don't have photo permission (and increasingly so), so I don't feel like I'm too weird for chosing that.

Because any normal partner in this situation would support his wife and side with her if it makes her feel uncomfortable surely?

Because there is literally no counter argument. I mean, being able to post a picture of OP's child on social media is hardly critical to someone's life. If it is that important and a big deal to them, then they have bigger issues!

I'd bet that it simply didn't occur to the person who posted them that it could be an issue but they would be absolutely fine to take it down once it is pointed out. It should really be a non-issue.

"we are being super cautious about images of our child online so please do not post any a d we would be greatful if you removed any you already have from the internet. Thank you so much for your understanding

Op is trying to make sure her dc is safe from online twats.
Surely her sil can see /support that even though he can't?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, but as most have said at that age not easy to really differentiate/identify between babies. It's when she gets older it's an issue. So does need to be addressed with family now. I wouldn't dream of posting anyone's picture on SM without their express permission.There are no pictures of me online, as I have a job where it could be problematic for me or my home location to be identified. When I attend a family gatherings where pics are taken & I am always told Im been difficult as I wont join in, I'm always happy to take the pics. I had to point out that I couldn't trust that a pic wouldn't end up online.. labelled Malone family gathering Bunnie 3rd from the left.

That's a bit blunt.

I’m a bit worried about sounding unreasonable and now I don’t know how to word it.

Personally, I'd be more 'worried' about a picture of my child on the internet, so would be asking her to swiftly delete it.

If she gets offended, that's for her to deal with 🤷‍♀️

I would simply text: 'Hiya! I've noticed you've used a pic of you and DD for your FB profile. It is a lovely photo but we're not sharing pics of DD online (outside of family WhatsApp groups), so please can you delete this image (and any others?) from your page. Thanks'

Don't mess around with the privacy etc sentence, as they are irrelevant and basically don't work. Just tell her not to post pictures of your child

Say what jumping through hoops said

It's one thing me and hubby agreed on no kids pics online and made it very clear in a nice way to family and friends we did not want them online in any pictures or videos . Only one small hiccup in 6 years a cousin accidentally forgot but I immediately messaged her and she took it straight down with a quick apology and no dramas

Your sister in law is bang out of order. My daughter has a complete ban on posting any images of her young son and made it clear from day one. None of us would dream of disregarding her wishes! Just make it clear you do not give permission. I have an acquaintance who worked in Safeguarding for social services and her advice is to NEVER share any images of children online.