Awkward bill splitting

[Potplant85]

I go out with a group of friends at least once a month to eat, we split the bill equally between us all. Now here’s the problem, I hold back ordering what I want as I don’t feel it’s fair to make others pay for mine if I've ordered an expensive dish.

I did bring this up on the last meal and was told not to be so silly and that we’d all split evenly still. I now tend to see what everyone else orders before I place mine, which means I’m often compromising on what I actually want to eat. I’m happy to pay extra for the fillet steak and extra wine, as I know one in the group has a limited budget but they would never mention that. Is it wrong to not want to go and eat with them anymore?

That only works out if everyone roughly orders the same amount a couple of times a year I go out with my sister and our very good friend we usually order a starter and a main course which works out roughly the same but me and my sister like our wine which we order separately as our friend is a drinks far less it would be very unfair to insist she subsidises us .

I have a friendship group like this, what we do is tot up our meals/drinks individually and when the server comes around and says how much do you want to pay we just go around the table “£40” tap card. One person will only pay cash. One is on a very tight budget, doesn’t drink.
Like you I want to order a cocktail, might have a starter, main and dessert, I don’t want people to pay my share, it’s not a few pound!

That's very fair. Easier in a small group too.

Yep at the point of paying just say "I'm sticking an extra tenner in because i had steak - no arguments! it can go towards the tip"

The easiest thing to do is put an extra tenner in.

If I ordered more than everyone else then I’d whack in another £20 (oe whatever the difference was) towards the tip.

I don’t want to subsidise people who eat/drink more expensive things than I can afford either…why should I?

Here is a real (admittedly extreme) example of when this happened to me: I was quite new to the company and not long after I started there was a ‘works do’ at a very expensive restaurant. I had already looked ahead, so knew that I’d have to choose only a main course and drink water, but was looking forward to going. Everyone else was ordering 3 courses and bottles of wine…one person ordered an eye-wateringly expensive steak dish and a fair few were ordering champagne. I had tap water and the cheapest main meal on the menu. My bill should have been £19, however, my then boss announced that we should ‘just split the bill’ when it came (he was one of the people ordering champagne!) There was a general agreement and it was worked out that we would all ‘owe’ £165 to my boss, as he would put it on his card. Myself and another woman opted out of this ‘agreement’ at this point, saying that our bills were actually under £20! I just gave £25 cash to my boss and left.

The abuse I got following this event was just awful! I was made out to be a cheapskate (I was genuinely skint and already worried about the meal as I was struggling!) They all complained that because two of us opted out, their bill increased…not my problem! I didn’t stay long at this company…I couldn’t afford to!

I know this is an extreme example, but it does illustrate why the practice of bill-splitting only benefits those who have the most expensive items…and can cause real anxiety to people who have a limited budget. It’s not ‘inclusive’…in fact quite the opposite. Be mindful!

do the splitting yourself and make sure you minus the extra £10 from the bill before you split then add it back on afterwards. It saves the awkward counting up what you had which is presumably what the others want to avoid at the end of a lovely relaxing night out.

if they really won’t let you add a bit extra can you offer to pay the tip? Group of friends who go out regularly and well often have someone say they’ll put a bit extra in because they’ve had 3 espresso martinis and everyone else just had a coffee…for example. Sometimes it’s more trouble than it’s worth, sometimes it’s not. It’s usually swings and roundabouts though. With a bigger group that goes out fairly regularly we make sure the non drinkers don’t pay too much….

I think I would just be firmer and let everyone know beforehand that you just want to pay for your own food so there’s no expectation.

I hate all this splitting bill stuff. My partners Auntie adds on a massive tip every time we go out and then tells the waitress that we are all splitting. She’s absolutely minted so it’s fine for her!! Somehow she did the maths wrong last time and I ended up paying £10 more than everyone else when I was definitely the poorest one there!!

So I’m giving you advice, but I don’t actually do it myself hahah.

I don't get when colleagues think you're the tight one when they expect you to subsidise multiple shots over a meal. They knew the bill would be split so deliberately maximised their spend. They can eff off. Never went on another do with that lot. New job everyone gets their own. I'll actually happily share/treat/get a round in when it's my choice to do so. Not sprung on me by some chancers.

Thank God the group i mostly go out with these days, someone pays and puts a photo of the bill in the group chat with their bank details and it's typically settled within an hour or two.

Instead of not going out with them anymore, as that would be a shame, why don't you just tell them when the bill comes that you will pay 20-30 quid extra (or whatever amount seems fair) and then you can split the rest evenly? So if there is 4 of you and the bill is 200, tell them to pay 45 each and you will pay 65. If they refuse then tell them what you have written here, that for you to properly enjoy your meal out you want to be able to order what you want without feeling bad about it.

Why does it "kill your joy" that someone who is probably less well off than you doesn't subsidise your meal?

This is what I do - say I’m going to order the steak so will put in an extra £x

Can you be a bit more proactive? Order what you want then, when the bill comes, say “I’ll put an extra tenner in because I had X” and just do it, You dont need to get your calculator out and start working out who had what, just put in enough extra to cover the difference.

My friends are all “split equally” people generally but we still adjust for big differences (eg someone not drinking while everyone else drinks lots). You can still keep the same relaxed vibe, just round up and put it in.

Can’t bear splitting hairs over bill splitting, lol. Ruins a meal out for me. If I had a tight friend or friends I wouldn’t be eating with them. These things work out over a long friendship, for me. I have what I want and expect others to do the same, and we split it evenly between us generally, and if someone had something noticeably more expensive, just bung a bit more money in at bill time - keep it relaxed. Just my view, I appreciate others very much prefer getting their phones out and breaking it all down..

Often these things work out pretty fair over time, but if you’re concerned about it then just say you will pay for your meal and drinks each time. Then order the lobster Thermidor!

i don’t think it’s fair for eg non-drinkers to subsidise drinkers’ wine and beer.

and @Ellie126- it’s not being a ‘killjoy’ to stick to your budget and not pay for anyone else’s food. How rude and unkind to think that!

Maybe your friends just mean what they say. That they are happy to keep the si ple even split of the bill even if what they are ordering is less expensive.

There's nothing wrong with saying "I'm going to have the steak this time so I'll pay an extra £10" but if they reiterate they don't think that's necessary and they are fine to keep splitting then you don't need to argue about it.

I'd be fine about it if I was them.

I think the suggestion of throwing an extra few pounds on the table is the way to go and ignore any protests.

I was going to suggest this. If your mental arithmetic is reasonably swift, can you take charge of the bill? Eg - six of you and a bill for £315. If you swiftly said, “Rightho - I’ve had more than everyone else, so I reckon £50 each and £65 for me - no, Mary, really, I insist”, I think it would quell any awkwardness and people would appreciate the gesture and your self awareness.

I go out with a group of friends - there's always big focus on how much it costs, Everywhere seems too expensive for the group. When the bill comes, there's lots of moaning and comparing. There's often a dissection of what everyone had to determine what caused the bill to be so high. It's so tedious - I'd rather pay my own bill. But we continue with the pretence that everyone is happy to split bills.

But no one throws money on the table anymore - it's all paid by card.

Just say at the end you’ll pay £xx extra as yours was more expensive. So take off the £xx and the split and add it back on.

I agree with PP throw some extra cash in when the bill arrives and just say I had X so I'll pay a bit extra.

I neither want to be subsidised nor subsidise in a group setting. I have never been keen on big group outings but that’s just a personal preference. I would order what you want but offer to pay a little more.

I dont understand why people still maintain that splitting the bill is "easier" or somehow more congenial like its still 1970 and working out what you had involves adding random amounts of shilling and pence with paper and pen then making sure you have the exact change blah blah.

Just round up each item you've had to the nearest quid, add together and stick it on a card. If your maths is so bad or you've eaten/drunk so much you can't remember then a) thats a bit worrying but b) luckily you carry around a tiny magic machine that can do it for you!

No angst about who is subsidising who. Just pay for what you had. Hardly a radical concept.

You wouldn't randomly split the bill in any other situation- if you went on holiday with friends and they booked the sea view suite whereas you had a standard double you wouldn't suggest splitting it. If you went shopping with friends and they bought a £100 dress and you a £20 one you wouldn't say "urgh no it's a huge faff queuing up separately, let's just put them through the till as one purchase and pay £60 each.