Co parents new partner has a recent violent record

[vichouse]

Hello, we’re looking for advice regarding a new situation that my partner and I find ourselves in.

Partner and I have been together for three years, he has a 6 year old child who he shares 50/50 custody with Mum. We have a good ‘working relationship’ as a coparenting unit and generally have been supportive with previous relationships of Mums. We’ve never objected to child meeting new partners providing a suitable timeframe has been met.

However, we’ve recently found out she has a new boyfriend. We live in a very small community and the name sounded familiar and a quick google told us he had been charged with and found guilty of assaulting his previous partner. The attack was <12 month ago & he was given a suspended sentence. To my knowledge there’s no known crimes against children. I think he has biological children of his own but I’m unclear on what contact he has.

Within our household we work really hard to provide stability, ‘normality’ (whatever that is) & evidence healthy romantic relationships etc. Partner and I grew up in dysfunction and have both worked very hard to break cycles. We are both very scared about the possibility of this man being introduced.

My rationale side believes in rehabilitation, however my maternal side if terrified that Child may be exposed to possible abuse and dysfunction.

What are people’s opinions and next steps? I can acknowledge that me & partner are too emotionally involved & protective to provide rational & unbiased opinions but surely we cannot facilitate and support the introduction of Child to a man who has committed DV? Especially not an event within the past 12 month.

We have discussed a couple of options, including contacting children’s services to ask them to do an assessment/ determine risk? Surely they will have more info on previous crimes, any prior social services involvement for his biological children etc?

Thanks in advance

Does the mother know about his abuse?

I’d personally report to Social Services.

I don’t have any advice to give other than you are absolutely right to be wary, and sound so lovely and balanced and with the child’s best interests at heart.

I don’t think you can report to anyone (?) as being in a relationship is not a crime. But your idea of children’s services is at least worth a few phone calls.

But you can focus in on lots of discussions with your stepchild about ‘tricky people’, making them feel safe to say if anyone scares them ever (kids often have good gut instincts). How to tell you and their dad if anything ever happens.

I really, really hope this man has reformed.

Presumably you can also request for his record to be checked under Clare’s / Sarah’s law re: the potential for anything else on his record that falls within domestic abuse / related to children.

Have you (or really your partner) discussed it with the mother yet?

You partner should suggest that she do a Clare’s law request. Must say it does come across odd how you say we’ve decided you won’t object to the child’s mother having a boyfriend as long as she meets specific time stipulations you have. Seems like very much overstepping. Or did you have to wait to meet her time requirements? Your partner should have a chat with her or maybe send the link of what you found.

Your partner needs to ask the pol ie for a Claire’s Law

So he’s a domestic abuser? Don’t let your children anywhere near him or around him to see or learn any of the traits ih advice

First of all, don’t report without speaking to mum. Dad could message what he’s found out to mum.

You can also do a Clare’s law request - the police will call mum and tell her about his record.

That’s not good advice.
suddenly being stopped from seeing their mum will be hugely traumatic. He is probably not abusing mum yet. Don’t knee jerk react. Dad needs to act slowly and carefully and work with mum.

I thought the same.

“We’ve never objected to child meeting new partners providing a suitable timeframe has been met.”

Regardless of how undesirable any new partner may be, it is down to your partner and not you to make stipulations,

I do find it odd that at no point in my post did I specify that I was making any rules or stipulations. The post, as stated, is drafted by both my partner and I. Even more odd that this post was seeking advice and you felt it appropriate to criticise. Apologies for how it may have came across but the timeframes were established long before I entered the picture, I was subject to the same expectation from Mum & it exists to prevent a high turn over of people in Childs life

I just wanted to say thank you so much to those with helpful suggestions. We’ve taken it all on board and plan on implementing some of this tomorrow & sitting down with Mum. Trying to maintain healthy coparenting relationships is tough so we both appreciate the sensible advice. Have lovely weeks guys!

OP, your DP can request the police contact her and offer the Clare's Law. She will not be told that he has requested it.

He can call 101 or apply online.

Thank you for the advice! However what a strange interpretation. The post says we haven’t ever objected to child meeting any boyfriends. We have no interest or knowledge in Mum relationships unless they are introduced to Child. The point we were trying to make was that as a family we’ve never been obstructive in one another lives and have supported wherever possible so this is a unique situation. & yes timeframes have been in place for every partner

Your partner should contact his ex and tell her, provide the info you've seen online and suggest she does a clares law request to get more information on what's happened. I'd also be telling her that you'll be contacting social services so they can do a proper assessment as they'll have access to information that she might not have and they'll be able to advise her of any risks around this guy. I'd do this from a place of concern and no judgement- these guys are often manipulative and charismatic and lie extremely well so she's vulnerable in this and not the enemy. Best case scenario is you all work well together and she ditches him in the safest way she can.