Struggling with ND children and Ex

[Bramble234]

I am NT. I have a daughter 14 with Dyslexia and a son 8 who is being assessed for ADHD. My ex husband lives with me and the kids. He is helping with the kids but he has depression which is now under control and he has some ND which isnt diagnosed but likely autism.

I admit im not the most patient of people. I never had any problems at school and was quite academic. So i have no idea what their childhood and school experience is like compared to mine. I have a exec role but also some very serious health issues that mean i will have to soon step down at work.

I have been divorced 6 years and had a boyfriend for a year but it turned out he has ADHD and i couldnt cope with his behaviours.

My 8 year old son is becoming unmanageable and i am wishing my life away waiting for them all to leave (i know this is largely caused by being in pain a lot or in hospital and having surgeries). I have to decide whether to get my son assessed. My friends think he likely has ADHD.

Some people are born to care and can enjoy working/living with people with ND and mental health challenges. But i am really struggling. With my youngest now being assessed i am surrounded by ND and i am overwhelmed.

My exhusband has a girlfriend who is ND with an ND son so when they all go out together she is wonderful as she knows how to mitigate some of the behaviours - routine, fidget toys etc. I don't have these skills and im so overwhelmed with my health issues, working full time at exec level and trying to make sure the kids have what they need - this week wear yellow Monday, parent classroom visit Tuesday, parents school event Thursday, Friday take son to his friends birthday party, fill in a million forms and make sure they both have a halloween costume. And thats not even the cooking and cleaning or the full time job!

Im surrounded by people who wont sit still even for a second, scream and shout all the time about their homework, an ex husband who is totally unaware of any emotions going on and ive had enough. Everyone is better at dealing with the kids than me but i still have to do it all.

My health issues have caused me to have a lot of time where ive needed help with the kids and my ex husband, ex partner and my parents have helped. I know how much a toll that took on everyone and there are still impacts because i have a life long condition (IBD). So im not singling out ND. Its hard to live with someone who is in any way struggling physically or mentally. I thoroughly admit i am a strain to look after at times.

But god i am struggling with 3 ND people in the house with me. i just feel tearful all the time. and yes I have menapause too and am on HRT.

Not sure what im looking for but i suppose ill be told im lucky to have kids and ND is not a big deal.

Why do you live with your ex? If you had different homes then you would actually get a break from your adhd son and then when you have him you would not feel like this. Him living with you to help with the kids isn’t as good as giving you a break. You need quiet and recharge time

i have a high need autistic/adhd son. I love him to bits but when we have long stints where his useless father cancels his contact I feel just like you. And I’m ND myself. It’s still exhausting caring for ND kids.

Can you live separately from your ex? Then you can have the children half the time each, and get a bit of a break.

My ex lost his job and had to sell his house. So he moved back in with me. He can't afford to get anywhere close and I have a surgery coming up so am waiting for that before he moves out. Also I cant manage the kids on my own. Before he moved in he lived 30 mins away so didn't help at all with the kids in the week. I did get every other weekend off though which I loved.
Your right though. He cant move out yet so maybe I need to insist he takes them away for a weekend every now and again.

Listen OP. I’m a lone parent also operating at exec level. I have DD16 who is AUDHD. Your DS needs fast tracking though diagnosis as believe me the sooner you understand what’s going on the better. Medication for ADHD can be a game changer. Also not sure about his school but the private sector is a lot better for SEN specifically ADHD as they have small class sizes. I am sorry about your health situation but once that is resolved your ex needs to move out. You need breathing space.

Thankyou all for your replies. Much appreciated. I have been hesitant to have my son assessed because I didn't want him labelled and I just dont want to accept it either. I know I need to bite the bullet and hopefully if he gets a diagnosis it will bring with it some help and clarity that I need. I have pre assessment call with the company tomorrow and the availability for testing is December so thats not too long.

My kids were both at private school until divorce 4 years ago. Me being able to stay at exec level is uncertain at the moment depending on what happens with my next surgery so I cant commit to sending him back to private. Interesting my daughter with dyslexia hated private school and is loving state school. I do think my son would do better privately though.

I was thinking that my ex being at mine was a good thing as he does most bed times and cooking but I still have all the mental load and dont get any time off. When its his weekend off he goes to his girlfriends. When its my weekend off I hide in my bedroom but the kids still nag me a lot! I was thinking that I cant manage day to day if ex wasn't there but actually I could manage a week of the kids on my own if I then had a week off. I hadn't looked at it like that.

I have an action plan, sons assessment, get ex to take them away for a weekend as often as possible and get him to move out as soon as surgery is over.

I dont want to step down in my job really as I enjoy being an exec its just that with everything else its not been manageable.

Thanks again x

Then don’t step down. Accept that on the weeks where you have them on a 50/50 you will need to have strong boundaries at work and maybe have done some meal prep etc. The week you don’t you can throw yourself into work and also have some personal decompression time. As a lone parent I used flexible boarding with my DD for when I travelled but also those couple of nights a week made a massive difference to my mental well being.

Private sector for him might be the right answer, loads more private schools for boys that specialise than girls for some weird reason! And once you do have the assessment and maybe medication is the answer he might feel better! I know DD16 was really relieved to have the answers. She takes medication on school days only etc

As a parent of at least one ND child and another around whom there are concerns I know a lot of ‘SEN Mums’. Very few of them know instinctly how to parent a ND and those very few little everyone else have read lots, attended webinars and sought professional advice to support them with how to parent their child.

And none of them find it easy!

Thankyou those who replied.

I have spoken to my ex and asked him to take the kids away for 1 night on his weekends so i have a break.

I have booked my son in for assessment in December.

Going to find a tutor to help my daughter.

Just need a surgery date now!

I also now realise that I dont need ex here which is a big deal. I thought I did. Once surgery is done I'll make sure he moves out. The issue is the place I live is expensive and if he moves further away he cant help with school runs etc so I need to make sure he stays close so we can have 50/50.

I still feel so saddened and shocked that I've ended up with a ND exh and 2 ND children when im NT and not the most patient person. It wasn't supposed to end up like this when I got married. Life feels very much like im trying to get through each day rather than enjoying it.