Send the photos or sling them?

[Skiporship]

Former close friend and I fell out - permanently - this year, primarily because I've had enough of her being (IMO) a crappy friend. For years, I've been the one to go and see her, even though she's often over this way (we live about 2hours apart).

The final straw (of many) was me having a baby - I asked if she'd come and meet baby; she told me she was too busy, but then my older DC bumped into her at a local (to us) theme park.

I tried just letting the friendship die a few times over the last couple of years but she'd keep dropping these generic "Hey, how r u?" texts and, if I ignored them, following up with "are you mad with me/ignoring me?" messages. I don't get it.

Finally, I told her I was pissed off and that I wanted her to just leave me alone rather than sending non-committal texts that never led to any kind of conversation anyway. She blocked me.

The question is this: I've just found a BIG box of photos she stored in our garage 10+ years back. She's never asked for them, but it's a large, heavy box of family and wedding pics.

In favour of slinging: it'll cost a fair whack to send them, and I don't want to start up any kind of conversation. I also don't want it to look like I'm making a point by sending her her stuff shortly after cutting her off. I've got a skip on the driveway atm with plenty of space.

In favour of sending: it feels harsh to sling them, even though she doesn't seem to know they exist. I can technically afford to send them, and I don't have to communicate with her afterwards.

WWYD? Skip or ship?

I dont think I could bin them. Do you have any mutual friends you could pass them on to?

Ship

How easy is it for you to contact her (given that she's blocked you)?

If I could contact her - directly or via a mutual friend - then I would ask whether or not she wants the photos, and say that, if so, she needs to arrange collection (or pay £x for postage) by a given date. Otherwise you will dispose of them.

She sounds like a crap friend, but, on the other hand, it doesn't sound as though she's done anything so heinous as to deserve for you to bin her photos with no warning!

Also: how annoying is it for you to store them? If they're in your garage, and you forgot you had them, then maybe not very annoying? So your third option here might be to do nothing. Possibly for years. If she remembers them, then she can be the one to do the legwork here and unblock you to ask for them.

Thanks for all the replies - I am leaning towards shipping them (if only so I can sleep at night, wrapped up in a blanket of smug moral high ground) but it's good to get perspectives.

To answer a few questions:

• No, we don't have any mutual friends who could assist

• I don't want her coming to the house - we've moved and she hasn't got my new address; I'd like to keep it that way so there's no risk of any snotty missives making their way to me

• Why does she have to see my baby? 🙄 She doesn't have to, obviously, but we were supposed to be best friends of 20+ years. It's shitty when you have a baby and your so-called best mate would rather go past your house to a crappy theme park than meet your much-wanted, long-awaited baby.

Offer her to collect them as you are having a sort out. She’ll get the message that’s the final goodbye.

this

offer to meet her with photos at the local theme park?

I'd ship them. I would always feel guilty otherwise.

So you moved & took the pics with you & didn't tell her about them then?

In that case just suck it up and post them, it’s bad karma to chuck them. She might have forgotten or she might feel too awkward to ask.

Has she still blocked you? If so your only recourse is to write to her telling her you have her old photos still and if she wants them back, she'll have to transfer you the money for P&P.

Then it's up to her. If she doesn't respond you can bin them knowing you did what you could without financial penalty to yourself (and why should you pay when you've been storing them for a decade at least).

I'm in the 'send a message to collect " camp
Ask her to set a date and time and then if you really still don't want to talk to her. leave the box in the garden behind a bin or something.
Id also say that if she doesn't collect them on that date that you throw them in the bin

If you're sure she's still at the address you have for her, I would just post them. It will probably be less than a tenner.

I'd ask if she wants them sent or collected. She pays any costs. If no reply, and If there aren't millions of them, I'd photograph the pics over a few weeks or whatever, save to a file and email the lot to her. Then dump the originals along with her forever.

Text that you have the photos.
That it will cost £25 to ship them to her.
Here are your bank details.
That if you have not heard back in 60 days you will assume she no longer wants them and will dispose of them.
Best regards.

Just treat it as, and think of it as, a transaction @Skiporship Like Ebay or Vinted.

It's strange you moved with them. Price them up for shipping and message her.

I don't think I could throw out anyone's photos, regardless of how much I disliked them (although you do sound a bit as bad as each other).
If she's blocked you in every way, do you have a mutual you could contact? Any details for her relatives? TBH, I'm assuming you know her address, I'd just get them sent, and call whatever it costs the price of getting her out of your life. Sometimes the easiest way to pay for anything is with money.

Some years ago, when my mum was cleaning out some stuff, she found a humongous hardback A4 book (think doctoral thesis in size - hundreds of pages) that was the memoir of a close friend/colleague (we'll call her Marian) of my grandfather, who had died some 15/20 years previously.
My dad had actually despised the woman. For long, convoluted, grief-fueled reasons, he thought she'd had a hand in his fathers death (she hadn't). She'd sent Christmas cards for many years following my grandfathers death, to which dad never responded. Dad passed away 8 years ago, but we still had this memoir of Marians.
Anyway, it seemed a shame to throw this huge book away. All mum knew of it was that it was one of about 6 copies made, and had been given to my grandfather as a friend of the author, and he'd also helped proof-read it. My mum had read it, just out of polite interest, my sister and I never had. We'd never even met the woman.
I took it upon myself to try and find any relatives of hers, to see if they had any interest. I even recruited an online friend with good sleuthing skills to see if she could try. Her surname was unusual enough to make it fairly easy.

We eventually tracked down a nephew, who confirmed she was still alive, but in too poor a condition to handle this herself (terminal cancer and 96). He put us in contact with a second cousin who had more knowledge of the author, and was very interested to have the book. We packaged it up and sent it to her. We didn't charge anything. Called it karma.
Received many grateful thanks, and about 3-4 months later received notification that the author Marian had passed away peacefully.

To you, OP, I'd say that you're angry now, not unreasonably so, but I think you'll regret it in years to come if you behave cruelly just to make yourself feel better.

If she's still blocked you then I'd dump them.
If you have a way to contact her, then I'd offer to send them at her expense. Give her a date.

Send a message " Hi , hope you are all well ? We are having a sort out of our garage and have come across your large box of photos . It will be too expensive for us to send to you so so you want to send over someone to collect or collect yourself or send the money for us to post ?
They will need to be gone by xxx before we put in the skip that will be arriving "

No, please don't chuck them. Let her know they're there and leave the ball in her court. Xx

Please don’t throw them away out of spite. My stepfather did that to family photos after my mother died, I have no photos of my father, or my sister and I as children, and only have a handful of photos of my mother, it’s a big hole in my life.Tell your ex friend you have them, she might have forgotten, and ask her what she wants you to do with them, say if she wants to collect them, or send a friend or a courier you will be happy to arrange a date. Explain you can’t post them.

As you've got no mutual friends, I'd definitely offer to ship at her expense (or she can arrange a collection). You don't need to get into a massive discussion about it. Quick message or letter, polite and to the point. She might even be able to arrange a family member to collect or something. You don't need to reignite a friendship, but you can be civil.

Fair enough, ship it is! Thanks, all.

To the posters giving it all Hercule Poirot about The Mysterious Case of the Moving Photographs, chill your beans: they were in a closed up box in the garage. We brought everything and just got round to sorting through a few boxes this last weekend.

Cost me £17 several years ago to get a massive box of textbooks sent to me, whole class set. I used Parceltogo. I think I’d send them.

I wouldn't throw them. I'd probably tuck them back in a spidery corner for now and forget about them again.