Feeling I’m not wanted

[Jacs23]

I have one son aged 30 has his own place good job a girlfriend all going well for him. His dad and I split up over 15yrs ago and we are on good terms. I ask my son quite regularly if he would like to go out for food or a coffee but am always answered with yes when I get time. I lost my mum in April and thought that maybe he would make a little time for me knowing how close mum and I were but nothing has changed. Last month he posted photos of him his partner and his dad’s family all out together. This really hurt me. Am I expecting to much from him just for him to maybe pop in and have a chat once a month. He may phone once a week but is always in a rush. I feel so sad. I’m the one he always comes to if he needs advice etc.

Our children are only on loan to us, especially son's, I'm sorry for your loss, is there a local group that you could join for meeting new people? I don't think your DS will change, DBro rarely visited DM, now she died, we won't see him again.
Imo men put their needs first.

Oh that must be tough. Yes of course he's a busy young man with a life of his own, and he doesn't 'owe' you more contact, but I can very much understand why you feel a bit slighted and overlooked. Especially when he seems able to fit in other family.

I have no idea what's going on in his head - he may simply see you as totally self-sufficient and capable and in no need for more contact. He may not realise quite what a hole the loss of your mum has left in your life - or maybe he does, and is a bit wary of getting involved/opening the flood gates etc.. A lot of people get kind of embarrassed about bereavement and, not knowing what to say, say nothing.

I think maybe it would be helpful if you could work on building your own support network so that you aren't so reliant on your son having time for you. An exercise or evening class is a great place to meet new friends, or there may be a local bookclub, community cafe, volunteering and so forth you could get involved with.

I do hope you find a way forward. Of course you feel sad, you're dealing with a lot and you're doing it alone. But there is definitely hope for the future - maybe think of this as the start of a new chapter in your life where you are able to focus on yourself and your own passions.

I noticed your OP mentions meeting for a coffee, grabbing food or wanting him to visit you once a month but do you ever offer to visit him and his girlfriend?

Do you also invite girlfriend or is it just your son?

@ClawedButler
I would second your lovely advice given to OP. The OP should also be proud that she’s raised a loving, independent man. Now it’s the OP’s time to rediscover herself.

Hi OP, I understand how you feel but the fact that he comes to you for advice speaks volumes.
If he lived with you after you and his dad separated?
Could be that he wants to be more involved in his dad's new family.
As painful as that might be, it's a tribute to how well adjusted he is..
Why not invite him and his gf out for lunch?
Make it informal.
I am sorry for the loss of your mum, raises losses and vulnerabilities

This was going to be my question. Do you ask son AND girlfriend to go out for a coffee / meal or just your son?

I ask my son quite regularly if he would like to go out for food or a coffee

Have you tried to ask if him (and his girlfriend if she wants to come) would be available for a meal, and offer 2 different evenings? Much better than making plans in the air

I have a fantastic group of friends and have holidays and weekends away with them quite often. I go to classes twice a week and am now planning trips on my own. I am a bit of a social butterfly as they tell me in work. I just miss my son even though he left home over two years ago I thought I might see him a little more often. I’m proud of his achievements and always tell him. Just once a month for a catchup would be nice. I actually drive past his home as my workplace is on the same road he lives. Perhaps I just need to accept it Thank you for your reply

Always invite them both when on phone she is a lovely girl. My son trains 3 or 4 times a week sport takes up a Saturday and out with his friends after. Sunday spent with his girlfriend.

Things will change again, you might be a busy DGM 5 years from now, enjoy your free time.