Think too much emphasis is put on time working rather than what that work is on Mumsnet

[Dacatspjs]

Time after time on Mumsnet when people come for advice on their relationship and there is a disparity in earnings and people are frustrated posters say that the financial contribution doesn't matter so much as the time spent working. I.e it doesn't matter if your bringing in three times as much as your partner, if you're both working full time then your home contributions should also be equal.

For me this misses a huge point about different types of jobs and the levels of stress, satisfaction and time you may need to decompress bring.

I had a previous partner, where I earned double what he did, I also worked from home, so ended up doing most of the housework. It was absolutely draining. But he tried to say I had more free time as I wasnt commuting. Thing is his job, was a thing he was passionate about (sports coach) he would happily spend hours at work because it was also his hobby. He would proudly tell people he was happy to sacrifice earning potential for work fulfillment, whilst I was picking up the slack.

Similarly I've worked with men who expect their wives to pick up the slack at home because they are "working" 50 hour weeks, in reality hours are spent at lunches, dossing around the office- they could leave earlier, but choose not to because they enjoy spending time with their work mates and not having to go home and get stuck in with childcare (they laugh about this, and will look for opportunities to extend the work day)

I'm not saying everyone is like this, or every disparity of earnings should be viewed through these lenses. But I am getting quite tired of advice to OP's being it's time spent at work that is important, not financial contribution - it fails to recognise that the emotional effort of working and stress of different roles can be massive.

I think you're talking about really specific and niche situations, OP. Not many people are working in passion jobs AND foregoing income building AND with a partner who is fully WFH. Most of the time when both people work full time, there isn't a massive income disparity. Even double isn't that significant if it's something like £40k and £80k due to the tax implications. Also – I'm of the belief that commute time is work time, as most of the time it's unavoidable.

Similarly I've worked with men who expect their wives to pick up the slack at home because they are "working" 50 hour weeks, in reality hours are spent at lunches, dossing around the office- they could leave earlier

Again, this is really niche.

Seems like you're just unhappy at work – start there.

Until the big job person says fuck this, I'm off to work in a minimum wage job too because its less stressful so we both need to do more hours to make up the shortfall. Oh and we can't afford holidays, the car or fun stuff for the kids to do.

Then all of a sudden the lower earner sits up and panics that their easy life is under threat.

It's all hypothetical anyway. No man earning good money reduces his hours and picks up domestic work instead, whereas many women do because deep down they know their husbands won't do to ancceptable standard (especially at the weekend, which they ruthlessly protect for "downtime")