To ask for a thread where those with adult DC tell us it will all be alright in the end...

[PenelopeChipShop]

I've had another one of those nights where I wake up and just worry about my DC.
I constantly worry about various specific things they are going through and I really wish I could talk to someone who woulds say 'my child was like that too and it worked out fine in the end'.

So can we have a thread where those of us still in the trenches ask about stuff and mums of older children come and reassure us?!

My main worries:

9yo daughter is dyslexic and really struggles with school and often school refuses. She is also on the pathway for autism diagnosis but that could take years. Really struggles with executive functioning and sensitivity to all fabrics and most foods, she's very thin as she barely eats, but seems full of energy anyway. She doesn't have many friends but isn't bothered as she doesn't like most of her class anyway! She has low self-esteem bc she finds all schoolwork so hard. Persuading her to go to school in the morning most days is like running a marathon. She often acts much younger than her years, she doesn't understand the concept of how time works and that you actually need to allow time to get ready for things. I just worry that the education system isn't set up to help her, will she actually get any exam results or will I still be dragging her out of bed when she's 20 and still living at home!!

I realise the issue might be me and my anxiety!!

Also have a 13yo boy but he's fine really other than not being very enthused about doing homework and actually making much of an effort beyond the bare minimum...

I'm a single parent (with some low-effort Disney dad style involvement from my ex-H but I do everything day-to-day) - I often feel quite burnt-out and like I could do a better job if I wasn't juggling everything. I have a WFH job which I know is very lucky but trying to do it all in school hours is tough. I try to do extra work with my daughter but she hates it and just wants me to play with her, not do times tables, etc. Often feel like I'm failing tbh. I think one reason I'm asking this is that I never have another adult to bounce things off of.

Please anyone with grown kids tell me this passes.

My child is 7, so no advice from the perspective of being a parent to an adult child.

However, I am an adult who (while undiagnosed) is highly suspected to be autistic. This wasn't picked up by my mum when I was younger (I'm 27 now) because in girls, autism usually manifests differently and she thought I was just particular with how I liked things. So I'm going to tell you things from my perspective.

My secondary school years were the worst. Being bullied, being too burnt out (though this was seen as depression) to attend school but having to anyway. Spending my last year skipping school and consequently failing most of my exams (though I was never very academic and I'm still not). Had my son at the age of 20, and really really struggled because I hadn't even thought of myself being autistic (thought I was just depressed). It wasn't until my sons school referred him for an autism assessment in year 1 (he's now in year 3) that I even considered I could be autistic.

I moved from my home city to Manchester in 2020, with my son, just before the first lockdown went into effect. I flitted between 3 different jobs in 3 years, and ended up having a mental breakdown and moving back in with my parents in 2023. I do not think I can ever live on my own (away from my mum) and I will probably never be able to work (I've worked office jobs, customer-facing roles, I've been a care worker, I've worked part time and full time and everything has left me burnt out and becoming physically unwell from said burn-out to the point I've ended up having to just quit multiple jobs because I became suicidal). In my whole life, I've probably worked about 7 or 8 jobs and have quit them all within months of working there because they got too much for me.

So yeah, at 27 I still live with my mum and my son. And people criticise me for that but they don't see the things I struggle with on a daily basis. I know my truth and so does my mum.

I struggle with food. I basically live on bread, crisps and takeaways because trying new food is so hard for me that I gag and cry whenever I do try. I lack common sense and I'm very naive.

Saying all of that, I have my strengths. I am extremely empathetic to people I care about, I am calm in other people's crisises (crises?), I am a good problem solver and I can find joy in pretty much anything. When I was able to work, I dedicated all my time and energy to learning about that job. When I wasn't burnt out, I was one of the most efficient workers on each team I joined. I have also managed to have a mortgage (when I lived in Manchester) with my then-partner.

For all my struggles, I have my strengths. I would recommend working on your child's strengths (which I'm sure you're already doing) and encouraging them to work on the things they struggle with. Some things they'll build up a tolerance for, some they won't. And that's okay. Tell them you love them exactly the way they are.

I know a lot of my post seems to be focussing on the negatives, but I am trying to show that while I have struggles, I also exceed in some areas of my life. And it is possible to have a fulfilling life with autism, even if a little extra effort needs to be put in.

It changes and reduces but I’d be lying if I said i don’t worry about my DCs who are in their 30s.

As an anxious, guilty parent here are some things I wish I’d known

• consistent love from one (reasonably rational) parent will get them a long way all by itself
• school is not life: they might not fit well at school but then go on and find a good place in the real world
• it’s not all about you, they are who they are
• they have years and years to grow, improve, mature and change; they don’t have to be perfect now

Being a parent is tough. You are doing a great job ♥️

Excellently put. Couldn't have said it better myself

Mine was out of secondary school for 2 years with ND burnout. Your daughter also sounds ADHD.

She started at a top university in September.

I can tell you my experience if it helps.
I have 3 dc (late teens/young adults).
Two have diagnosed asd/multiple health issues, one has dyslexia.
When dc1 was 11 I remember being told by a consultant 'I think you need to plan for them never living independently ', was a school refuser, not many friends. By 15 I was pulling my hair out because we weren't getting support, dc was refusing the treatment that helped them stay stable, they wouldn't engage in 'next steps' etc.
I think 16 was the tuning point, going to college and just being away from the strict school environment. Dc did not have one friend at college, but saw the course as a means to an end. Now dc is living independently, has a full-time job, can drive, is educated to diploma level (through day release to university), is even considering doing the full degree. None of this I felt even remotely possible aged 9, I'd say dc developed slower than peers (eg not being able to catch a bus alone till aged 14). Dc still asks for more support/advice in some areas of their life but they live independently.
The other dc with asd struggles immensely with leaving the house, but got all grade 7s at gcse and is now doing alevels and talking about university. They are definitely behind their peers socially however maintaining academically. They cant manage a part time job, hate parties and have declared they will not be learning to drive. I'm planning that dc will stay at home for uni (and probably afterwards) however I'm hopeful that they will eventually get to the point of independence.
I definitely worry less about dc2 because having seen dc1 progress I realise that it may take longer, we may have to take a different route but we'll get there in the end.
Plan for worst case scenarios, but hopefully for the best. You know your child best, you know when they can be pushed outside their comfort zone and when its too much. Spend time supporting independence. It must have taken me about a year to get dc1 (aged 14) to catch a bus to the shop, buy 1 item and come home without me having to be their/phone calls etc. Every week for a year we went through this process it was worth it though. In comparison dc3 could do the same thing aged 11 (just discussed what they needed to do and off they went).
Above all be kind to yourself it can become all encompassing.

I too am one of those autistic girls grown up, although I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s. I struggled horribly with socialising most of my life to be honest, but since my diagnosis I have come to accept myself more, meaning I'm easier to be around, so friendships have become easier. CBT was a godsend for helping me with RSD and emotional dysregulation.

So I find myself in my early 50s, securely housed (in a HA property) in a community with many friends, single but content about that, with two DC (one of whom is also on the autism pathway), self employed doing something interesting. Life is pretty good and I feel happy in my own skin, although the demands of work and parenting combined with perimenopause are constantly threatening to drive me into burnout! I have had to acknowledge that I can only work part time, and will never be "successful" in the eyes of society.

One thing that you may need to keep an eye out for with your daughter is men in her life. That emotional immaturity can linger for a long time (into my 30s for me!), and can make autistic women and girls a target for abuse. I've seen studies where pretty much every participant reports they have been a victim of intimate partner abuse at some point or other.

But forewarned is forearmed. Autistic girls of my generation were flying blind- there are now loads of resources out there to educate this generation about relationships.

My dd with asd is a happy functioning adult despite so many very low points. Lives sort of independently (well married to a lovely man)! I couldn’t have foreseen this even 5 years ago when she was on a drip and on high energy milkshakes to try to get weight on!

My DS25 was two years behind at writing in SATS, and struggled throughout late primary/early secondary in English and related subjects. Some tuition helped him gradually improve. He still types ‘a lot’ as one word and his spelling will never be great. But he learned to spell technical terms and walked out of uni with a first and went straight into a job he wanted and has been promoted twice already. But when he was 11 all I could think of was that he would fail English.

With DS17 the problem was his inability to mix well with others and how he struggled to cope if his class mates wound him up. Things were not great at 8/9/10 and there were nights when he cried and said he had no friends. Things improved significantly as he went through high school. He has a few good friends and gets invited to parties. He can cope with losing at games and is much calmer.

So our problems were not huge, but they were upsetting. Neither of them lasted though, so I did much needless worrying.

I have two friends who both went through very difficult times with their DDs at 15/16/17. Both had severe mental health problems and both decided, very wisely, not to go to uni at 18. One did a course at a local college for two years, and her attendance improved significantly. The other initially volunteered and built up to working part time for three years. She went to uni at 21. Both are doing well.

I think we worry too much about our DC meeting milestones at the expected times. It does not matter if your DC needs a year or more out at some point. GCSEs can be done elsewhere. College and university can wait. Sometimes people just need more time than others.

It does pass, slowly it seems, until they are suddenly in their twenties!
I have autistic children and recognise your struggles, one of mine has gone back into education in their twenties after struggling at school in their teens, and are doing much better now. Still struggling with everyday things but much more self aware and we have strategies in place that help.
You will get there, try to keep doctors/professionals involved if you can.

Thank you so much. It's really helpful to have the viewpoint of undiagnosed autistic adult women too, thank you GarlicBreadStan. I am trying to be much more empathetic towards her, I am probably NT I think (extremely introverted but I don't think autistic unless I'm masking so hard that even I don't know it) and at times I am so frustrated by the fact that I'm still doing so much for her and that she can't do things that I think of as quite 'basic' (ie. get ready for school on time!) but I really do see that the 'burnout' thing is real - she can't really manage much beyond going to school, and sometimes I compare her to all the girls doing ballet/horses/Tai Chi every night and think, she's going to be at such a disadvantage that she's not doing that. But she's happier at home doing creative things (lots of art & crafts) and just playing with her toys. She does enjoy Brownies.

I just can't turn off the worry and I think in some ways because my freedom is so curtailed by being a single parent there's a part of me that is looking forward to having a bit more freedom back once they're older ... sometimes I think, am I actually ever going to get that or will she always be living here...?! please don't judge me. Single parenting is so intense. Some days I just dream of being able to travel, see other places, or even just live a life not dominated by the school run.

I don't have grown up kids but I do have an autistic DH. He was unofficially expelled from one school; had regular periods out of school in the next. From what he's told me, didn't really have proper friends until his later teens. Ate the exact same meal every evening for dinner.

Honestly, he's still terrible with time keeping. But he has a fantastic job that he loves, and - more importantly to me - has several groups of really close, kind friends. It's not all roses - anxiety is a big issue for him, and I think he hasn't climbed the career ladder as quickly as some NT peers. But we are mostly really happy.

School may never be for your DD, but it will be a relatively short period of her entire life. Her ability to cope with the school environment may also improve (this is what my DH reckons happened with him) or she may find her peers doing arts subjects, if that's what she loves. I teach a creative-adjacent discipline and I see lots of NT girls, who find their tribe at college/uni.

Also my DB was your DS - put the absolute minimum effort into anything until he was about 18, was content to just bum about until he worked retail for six months, hated in and then managed to get himself into a university at the last minute, and then just flew. Didn't do the traditional office-job route, but now has a solid, responsible job and owns a house and has a great partner. My parents worried about him until he was at least 25, but they don't anymore!