AIBU to say I’m struggling?

[dh8892]

I work 4 days over 5. I work 9-3 so I can do the school run for my reception aged child.

I have a very busy work load as a solicitor. I work a mix of WFH and office. My DH works in the police force, a 2 hour commute from home with 12 hours shifts. That’s without being kept on for overtime or missing his late train home after a shift.

We live around 2.5hrs drive from family.

I keep telling my DH that I’m struggling. There’s no time for myself. With his shifts meaning he’s only here 2 weekends a month, and here a lot during the day when myself and our DS are at work/school, he’s not around 95% of the time.

I just want to be able to go and do an hours exercise. I love to swim, but with the pool’s timetable, I’m very limited to 6am (when sometimes DH has only been home 3hrs so needs sleep) or 9pm, when DH is at work.

I just feel really sad and deflated. I’m not asking the world, I just need some time for me. I really struggle with my weight and swimming helps my mind/weight so much.

Before DS went to school I had 2 days off in the week with him which meant when DH was at home during the day, he could have him for me.

I would swim at lunch but I only get 30 mins, which by the time I’ve driven there and back, there’s no time to swim.

Any suggestions greatly welcomed. I tried for years to get DH to relocate nearer to family and he wouldn’t leave his job. So there’s no point trying that again because now DS is settled at school, it’s another reason why DH won’t move. I also tried to get him to change jobs or transfer to a force closer to home, again he refused both.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable and this is just the life of a working mum of a young child. The thing is, my other mum friends are either SAHM or their husbands work a normal 9-5 or live near family. So I feel completely alone with this

Does your school have an after school club that you can put your ds in?
That way, you can have a couple of hours a day to yourself to go swimming etc

Isn't it pretty normal these day?
Can you afford a babysitter a couple of hours?

That does sound intense, though I wouldn't say particularly unusual these days. I know a lot of parents of younger children who are stretched thin across work and school runs and house cleaning etc.
Do you have any kind of after school clubs that would allow you to have an hour or so after work for a swim?

@Tagyoureit it does, I suppose I could put him in breakfast club each morning and swim.

maybe that’s the compromise - I wanted to be the mum that did every school run because I was always the child in wraparound and didn’t want that for my DS; but maybe I need to do it a few times a week so I can get the me time in!

Is it worth moving to be closer to your DH's work? 2hrs+ is a crazy commute and it's more important to live near his job than your parents, and presumably he'd be more up for that. Or if you really must stay put for your job and schools, what's the financial set-up? Is there any give at all for you to have more childcare help so you get time to yourself?

Look for a childminder or a babysitter? You must both be on good salaries so I'm sure you could afford to have someone cover for a few hours a week?

Ah x-posted - absolutely, don't martyr yourself for the sake of schoolruns. They're not some great factor in how your DC will turn out. It's more important to keep your sanity. Your DH isn't even there for your DC most of the time by the sounds of it so you're doing way more than your fair share as a parent. Cut yourself some slack, use before and after school childcare and don't you dare have any guilt about it whatsoever!

Even better, drop him off, swim, start the day feeling good and still pick up ds at 3.

As a teen I babysat for two hours twice a week while the parent went swimming. It's perfectly doable.

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Honestly, I wouldn’t try and be that mum that does every school run. I work 4 days a week like you, but I don’t spread my hours and use wrap around a couple of days a week. I do long days on those days, and shorter days plus catch up in the evenings on the other two days so I can do the pick ups. I have a toddler so my day off is with him at the moment, but when he starts school that day off will be for me. Can you do something like this?

DH and I both work flexibly from home so in theory could do every school run between us. We still put our late primary school kids in after school club around 2-3 days a week for a mixture of convenience and letting them socialise with their friends after school. The oldest could actually walk home alone now but chooses to go to after school club twice a week because she likes playing with her friends. Frame it as an after school activity rather than childcare and take some time for yourself. Doesn’t have to be every day.

You have unrealistic expectations of yourself. You can’t be there the same as a sahm, work, have a husband with sporadic long hours with a silly commute and have time for yourself. It just doesn’t fit into the hours you have.

There are a few things you can do. Work 3 full days and use wrap around on those days. Continue as you are using wrap around to swim. Try and carve some time out when DH isn’t working he can do the school run - he should be doing that anyway.

You are struggling. Your husband is working long hours and can not do his fair share of childcare.
You need to afford the cost of a baby sitter or part time nanny in your family budget. You need to have a couple of three hour breaks every week for your own well being.

Can you all go, as a family, sometimes to the pool and you swim while DH plays with kid then visa versa.

It does sound like all your time is accounted for so worth seeing if you can make some time for you. Breakfast or extra curricular would defo help.

It is common but normal to have zero time ext for yourself so please do make time for yourself

Completely agree with those saying to use aftercare/breakfast club a couple of times a week to fit in some ‘you’ time. We’ve used AFC pretty consistently throughout primary and DC seems none the worse for it (probably better for it actually as they did lots of craft/messy play stuff that I would never do at home!)
If weekends feel like your only option, can you join a David Lloyd type place and use the childcare there while you swim? Friends did this while the kids were little and now they are a bit older the kids do a swimming lesson/tennis lesson etc while parents get a workout (sauna/coffee/5 minute break). Might work well for you?

Can you afford to work part time? 3 days instead of 5 compressed into 4?

Similar situation pending here. When DD starts school next year this will be me only working 8 til 4 with zero weekend assistance as DH works weekends and 2 evenings a week as well so I'll be using wraparound anyway just to cover work hours. It's tough now and going to get tougher. We also have no family nearby, the only saving grace is, if DH worked mon to Fri like me, we'd have absolutely no chance of covering the school holidays, at least with his weekdays off, the summer hols dont seem so daunting 🤣😭

I'm a single, full time working mum. I had no backup, no family support at all. You have to make time for yourself, not wait for someone to enable it.

Book your ds into ASC, two days a week, and go and swim. Then work with your dh's weekend shifts to book in a parkrun each month while he looks after little one.

I worked jobs that were within 15 mins of the school, dropped ds at 8.40, was at my desk at 9. DS went to ASC. I left work at 5.30 and collected him at 5.50.

For exercise I ran Parkrun with a buggy.

There is always a way, you just have to find it 🙂

I used to swim whilst my children were in the other side of the pool having swimming lessons. Could you do that?

As your DH is so inflexible, I'd move closer to parents.

DH can see his kids on the weekends, and you can get a break.