Telephone frustrations

[SueblueNZ]

I have different phone call frustrations with two friends. I'm old and don't shy away from having phone convos but I'm certainly now leaning towards only texting these two long-term friends.
Friend A - let's call her Caroline. We've been close since starting secondary school together 50 years ago. See each other often, with and without our partners. She has been wearing hearing aids for about five years; still teaches and is pretty adept at using relevant technology in the classroom, at home, blue-toothing the tele to her h/aids etc. Since the start of this year two or three times a week we speak while she is driving to work and I am working from home. Her leaving time varies so our arrangement is that she rings me when she is ready. But Every Single Time our call will start with her saying, 'wait, I need to connect/can you hear me/say something so I can hear you/I still can't hear you'. Or she will stop en-route for a coffee, leave me hanging (which I don't mind) then go through the same palaver when back in the car. Her husband tells me it is all set up so that in the car bluetooth automatically connects to her aids or vice versa. The check is that if she can hear the car radio, she'll be able to hear a phone conversation. I am tired of saying, 'Caroline, once you have settled in the car and are connected, ring me'. But no - every single time. I'm afraid I sometimes happen to lose the connection my end. So bloody frustrating.
Friend B - another lovely friend since we worked together about 30 years ago. Our face-to-face contact is less frequent but we are close. Since we met she has been widowed twice and is now remarried. I have met new husband about half a dozen times and he is perfectly nice but we don't know each other well. They are both retired. Whenever she rings me, or I ring her for a chat and we establish it's a convenient time to talk, it always becomes apparent that (let's call him Joe) is in the room or the car with her. He will butt in to the convo, or she will have an (albeit brief) unrelated side conversation with him. I hate it; I feel inhibited. If my partner is with me when she rings, he might call out hello then leave the room to do something. Or if we're in the car I will arrange to ring her when I get home. But if I say, 'B, I'll ring you back when you have time to talk' she'll say, 'Oh Joe doesn't mind, do you Joe?' No, but I bloody mind!!!
First world problems but am I justified in feeling frustrated by these situations?

Well, the only behaviour you can control in both situations is your own. I think you’re being needy tetchy with the first, but surely there’s nothing stopping you telling friend B clearly that you don’t want to talk to her unless she’s alone?

Sorry but if she is carrying on long conversations while she is driving she sounds like an unsafe driver.
Even if it's a hands free device someone who is carrying on phone conversations while driving is not fully concentrating on what is going on in the road. Part of her brain is distracted.
On that grounds alone I wouldn't be having a phone conversation while she is driving.

I hear you !!!! I detest speaking on the phone unless absolutely necessary.

unless it’s my immediate family, work or someone I have asked to call me back (which is rare) then I don’t answer. If anyone wants to contact me badly enough then they can message me on various platforms. It’s soul destroying

Onemoreagainforluck - it is all voice-activated. Not unsafe at all or it would be illegal to even use handsfree for in-car phone calls.
Kingoftheroad - I don't mind speaking on the phone; do it several times a day for work and other times with friends. It's just these particular behaviours that frustrate me.
Wainscot - you're right. When I next see B in person I will have to tell her I don't feel free to speak openly when Joe is listening in.

I detest when people call me in the car. The connection is always patch and they can be very hard to hear over other noises.

With friend B I would just tell her the next time that you would prefer to call when Joe is not there as you can speak more freely.

I think you have misunderstood.

OP has no issues about speaking to people on the phone. It is just the behaviour of these two friends that exasperate her.

As an older person I find the modern day aversion to talking on the phone bewildering

My 16 year old finds the older obsession of talking on the phone bewildering.

This 100%.

I get your problem with friend B. Years ago when DN was small he would constantly interrupt his mum (my sister) when she was trying to talk on the phone. Instead of teaching him to go away and play quietly and not interrupt she would keep answering and including him on the conversation to the point that we couldn't talk properly at all. I tried ringing later when I thought he would be in bed but he would just hear her talking and come downstairs and continue as before. Yes he is still a pain in the arse adult.

Your issue with friend A sounds not a million miles away from DHs telephone problem with his elderly Dad. FIL is very deaf, much better since he got hearing aids but still not great. DH rings him every night to check he is OK. The conversation is often very difficult, especially if he has forgotten to charge up his aids or they need maintenance. DH is bellowing down the phone while FIL just charges away with his end of the conversation oblivious to any input from DH. It's a bit better face to face.

YANBU. I think the basic problem with no.1 is that she is only sparing you time to talk while driving. Better 5 mins when she is sat down with a cup of tea than 15 mins when doing such active multitasking.

I don't have an obsession with talking on the phone. On the contrary, most ofy communication is via WhatsApp these days because it is so easy.

But I have absolutely no hang ups about talking on the phone and am quite happy to do it whenever.

I'd knock the first one on the head. It's dangerous for a start. I know you've said it isn't because blahblah... but it's obvious she's distracted while driving because she's fannying on trying to get the connection to work. She's not concentrating on driving when she's having to keep asking you questions about whether you can here her and so on. Bluetooth connections are often dodgy in the car anyway and drop in and out. Tell her you'd prefer to find another time to chat to her because there's always issues with the connection and it's difficult to talk properly.

And person B, tell her you'd love to chat with her when Joe isn't there because you'd like to be able to chat to her freely without him listening in or butting in.

It is the easiest time for us to speak because she has an incredibly busy life, and she often needs to speak confidentially about an issue at home. Unlike friend B, she wants to speak freely out of earshot of her husband. She has a rather uneventful 40 minute journey to work, without much traffic. Speaking while driving does not pose a danger to other drivers, pedestrians or herself. It's ridiculous to think that someone cannot converse while driving; how is it different to when a driver has passengers in the car?
Re faffing about with connections - the faffing occurs before she starts driving. When she stops for coffee I usually ring off as there is coffee in the mix as well as her inability to voice activate the phone connection.

I believe the science says talking on the phone is substantial more dangerous. You're 4x more likely to have an accident and be culpable if you are on the phone, even hands free. I think the theory is "shared situational awareness" or something - I'm sure you can Google it as well as I can. But all the faffing with the Bluetooth etc is extra tasks for her, on top of the driving and the talking to you, so surely that can't be good. It wasn't my main point anyway, which in hindsight clearly wasn't helpful to you.

And yet enormous numbers of people conduct entire Teams meetings while driving without being unsafe. I couldn't do it, but DH, who covers a lot of ground in the car for work, is capable of participating in meetings and calls about fairly complex stuff while driving perfectly safely.

Perhaps you should read up on the research that has been done on the use of hands free devices to hold conversations while driving.

Your DH may think he is a safe driver while he is doing this but the research definitely indicates he is not.

If he wants to kill himself then fair enough. But putting other road users, including pedestrians, at risk in this way is downright selfish and anti social.

Tbh I can't even think your post is serious if you really think it's possible to drive safely while conducting a complex meeting .

DH is a safe driver. And nothing the OP has said about her friend suggests she isn't a safe driver, either. The OP is merely irritated by her repeated wittering about being connected when she starts the call.

I am sorry but evidence says other wise.

https://www.brightmile.io/blog/both-hands-free-and-hand-held-calls-while-driving-are-as-unsafe-as-drink-driving

This article sums up the situation very well but a quick Google shows you and your H are wrong.

I'm still sceptical that your posts are seious. But if they are then all I can say is being proud of being a danger to other road users and pedestrians is shameful.

@Onemoreagainforluck, are you aware that you're quoting from studies being used by a website promoting an 'fleet risk management solution' app that monitors business driving, mostly for commercial coach drivers, with the idea of saving employers money and which therefore benefits from painting as black a picture as possible of common aspects of business driving -- to make you buy the app?

No i wasn't aware of that.

I was aware that it set out the known risks of driving and conducting conversations on hands free devices.

As I said in my post this just an example of the information available about the known safety risks of what you are proud of your H for doing.

This. I hate taking calls in the car, only answer if it’s someone important like doctor or hospital, and I’ll usually try and pull over if I can.