AIBU to want my 17 yr old to leave the kitchen as tidy as I leave it?

[sladtheinkaler]

My 17 yr old son is a great kid. He tries hard at school, has lovely friends, has a job, volunteer coaches, plays sport. He's always polite, lovely to spend time with, and just a top notch person all round.

BUT...

I don't understand why he can't leave the kitchen immaculate in the mornings.

I get up first, feed the cat, make coffee, have breakfast, pack my lunch etc and then I clean up the kitchen. Everything I use is washed, wiped and in the dishwasher before I go and shower and get dressed for work. Takes less than a minute.

He gets up 10 minutes before I leave. He makes coffee, has breakfast, packs his lunch etc... and then he kind of cleans up most of it???

Why? Why can't he just finish the job??

AIBU?

YABU - give the kid a break. His mug was pretty near the dishwasher to be fair. And teenagers do not have the ability to notice crumbs.

YABU - teach him now before his future partner is writing his post on Futurenet in 10 years time.

To do everything he does and be as nice and kind as you say surely he can have a little lea way with the kitchen tidying?! 🤔😍

The bar is low for so many people. Mine managed this age 10. It’s just not that hard.

I asked them why on earth should I or their father be the one to clean up after them when they’re the ones who’ve made a mess. We already do a lot for them and It’s basic courtesy for the people you live with. They got it, they now put away what they’ve used in the dishwasher and give the counter a wipe if they’ve left crumbs. I had to nag a few times early on, but they know that we’re not the type to back down for an easy life on things like that and soon learnt. Makes them a pleasure to live with now in their teens and they appreciate the times where we do clean up after them. And they’ve since said they enjoy coming home to a clean home too (neither enjoyed coming home to their sibling’s mess before!).

Count your blessings, he sounds delightful in everyother way and he sounds well rounded. The problem is 17 Yr old just don't see mess! They are so focused on their food, everything else disappears.
However, of course you should keep reminding him to tidy up but in the scheme of things there are far worse problems.

I would be pleased he sounds lovely. I am a bit of a buttery knife and coffee cup in the sink person myself!

Agree.

I feel like boys often get a pass for such things compared to girls. They’re such good boys so let them have a pass for leaving crumbs and dishes next to the sink. 🙄

I knew at 12 the expectations my parents had when it came for cleaning and I stuck to them.

The rule was social areas needed to be clean and tidy, but our rooms were however we liked them (within reason).

I cleaned to my parents’ standards otherwise I would have to do it again. I learned to clean as I go and it has served me well especially when living with others and making sure I’m not leaving a mess for someone else to clean up. It is a matter of courtesy towards all that use the kitchen and respect of other people’s time.

A bit unreasonable. Certainly unrealistic. He's 17.

Problem is, I think, that most parents do what you sound like you're about to do, which is to say to him, "Why don't you finish the job? I mean, look at this sink! Can't you get all the crap out of the filter?"

....at which a lot of kids - and many adults - will feel that there's not much point because even if you give it a go, you get told off.

It's better just to say, "Thanks for cleaning the kitchen up a bit." Then he'll do it again. And again. And a bit further down the line, when he's doing it, you say, "Could you get the crap out of the filter in the sink? It's nasty."

The goal here is to have him get better and better at doing it, preferably unasked. That's unlikely to happen if you tell him he's not doing it up to your standards.

You want a 17 year old boy to leave the kitchen immaculate - dream on!

You do realise that is EXACTLY how women on here are always being told to “manage” adult men?
Is there any reason a 17 year old cannot be expected to put his mug, plate and knife in the dishwasher and wipe a counter top? He’s not being asked todo a deep clean!

• I have somehow put bullet points on my post and I can't take them off. How annoying.

Oh. They've gone now.

See, I flip-flop. This is why I posted. I should say that this is not a massive issue, but I do find myself thinking, on the one hand he's very well intentioned, he definitely makes an effort, and he mostly cleans up before he leaves the house. I think he thinks he has done a good job. On the other hand - why can't he just finish off the last three things??! I wonder if his 17 yr old brain just doesn;t really register the mess in the same way I do? Maybe that's it.

It's not a 'low expectations for boys' thing in our house. My husband is very tidy. My daughters require more reminders than my son does.

I shall continue to praise the good and wipe the side when I get home. We're not falling out about it.

My one does try. But the same standards aren’t there. It’s in the keeping trying I’m afraid.

I think immaculate is an unreasonable demand for anyone . ...

Yes. Unless the dishwasher is in another room or the dishwasher is full, there is little excuse not to do so.

As another poster pointed out, if they live in shared accommodations they’ll find out for themselves how annoying it gets if they find themselves having to manoeuvre around other people’s mess.

It's not a 'low expectations for boys' thing in our house.

I’m going off some of the comments on this thread, not your household in particular.

Pick your battles, he is a good kid. He has tidied his mess, to a lower standard

How do you try but fail to put your dishes in the dishwasher?

Totally fucking reasonable. Kind of clearing up is just annoying. No one leaves the kitchen half arsed clean here and doesn’t then hear about it.

Applies to women too. Worked with my daughters.

The way to get people to do things well is to encourage them, not to criticise them.

As in “Oh, well done, darling! You managed to get your mug 6 inches closer to the dishwasher this morning! And you put the bread away! Maybe in a few days you could try the butter too? It goes in that big white cold cupboard-yes, the one you got it out of 5 minutes ago…..”

No.

I wonder if the 17 year old version of the OPs cleaning was thorough as she is today...? I know I thought I was being tidy and helpful as a kid, but I also know that if I looked back on my 17 year old version of wiping a work surface it was probably not 'immaculate' as it is today :)

The dishwasher thing is less excusable, unless he was going to use it later which seems unlikely but even I will, on occasion, not put everything in the dishwasher immediately if I am running late for a train :)

I would like my 17 year-old and 20 year-old and 51 year-old to leave the kitchen as clean as I leave it but I have learned that my standards are very high and that ‘good enough’ is actually good enough.