Hi - sorry this is a long one but needed to get it off my chest as can't sleep. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but I don't have much self confidence left so just want to sense check myself really.
Have been married 26 years - 2 boys in uni and living out. Youngest has some issues but is managing (autism/ epilepsy and anxiety but managed with meds - he struggles socially but seems to be doing ok in 2nd year).
the issue is since youngest moved out it's highlighted the issues in our marriage. I v much wanted boys to grow up with mum and dad - nothing wrong with single parents - but I had my own issues growing up and needed to share the load / support etc.
however it quickly became evident I was mainstay of family - husband got diagnosed with depression when boys v young and everything was everybody else's fault; counselling didn't work (because it wasn't a silver bullet) etc etc. but he never looked for help as deep down he just didn't want to go there.
however kids, school, studies and us both working full time were enough to keep us busy and a focus of supporting boys to uni. Personally I think they picked up on fact I was a bit lonely and that I had to do all the running on everything - booking holidays; arranging repairs; buying clothes; school; uni support etc etc. I was so busy it wasn't until boys went away I realised how much I'd filled my life with everything but my marriage.
issue is I had tried - but husband had always pulled away; he was always too short of money to take me out; too busy to do things with me etc etc.
now boys are in uni I'm very lonely and also very angry. My husband is now openly saying to my face that he's entitled to a life and that it's 'none of my business' what he does. He's moved into son's bedroom and treats the house like I'm not here. I feel like a flatmate he doesn't like. I've tried doing relationship therapy but he dropped out after 1 session as he didn't agree with what they were saying - said we could sort out issues between us. We never did. He's now blaming me for being unhappy for so many years (I caused his depression apparently) and he's entitled to go out drinking with work and friends and not invite me or even tell me. He also spends lots of time texting in sons bedroom and occasionally I'll see one woman's name but she's a lesbian apparently and I need to stop being so paranoid.
I know I sound like a total walkover but I'm 56 and cannot afford or face starting over. I'd have to downsize, live in rough area and I have little family still alive and my sons would take it badly especially as I've been the glue of the family - so focused was I on helping them have a better start In life than I had.
It also got a lost worse since I got sober last year - I did drink too much but always worked full time and was there for boys - he did used to blame me a lot for being a drunk / hungover and causing all the problems. Now I'm sober I realise that perhaps it's wasn't me that was the problem all the time and that often I was having a drink to numb the pain. But he has got worse since I got sober - he's openly goading me and sometimes it feels like he wants me to fail and be a hungover mess. He seems resentful of me improving and I get the sense he only stayed with me because boys were young - now they're gone he's acting like I'm his mum and he's 17 again. He also says he's told people at work he's having personal issues and they're sympathetic - so he's telling everyone I'm the problem: all I do is work full time - worry about boys in uni - go to gym (occasionally); visit elderly dad with dementia; help out at church and keep house running - whilst trying to stay sober. Oh and on odd Saturday ask him to spend a little time with me or include me in his plans (which always annoys him). But I'm hardly causing chaos or being miss difficult & demanding .
I don't know.... I had nice ideas of retiring with pensions in a few years and doing a bit of travelling but I spend most weekends lonely or feeling ignored. He won't divorce me as currently he's doing what he likes and doesn't care what I think - if I file I'll have to do so knowing I'm signing off my own financial instability into old age.
i know he doesn't love me any more but I feel so so sad that I failed in my marriage and have nothing to show for it. I'm supposed to be in work tomorrow but I feel like I'm having a breakdown at the moment and have nowhere to turn or go. Sorry just had to get it off my chest - it's been another rubbish weekend. I know it's worse for some people but I just am really struggling with it all. Thanks for listening and it's fine if you disagree with me - I will pull myself together and finish my solo pity-party; I just am a pragmatist and it really frustrates me I'll lose a materially comfortable life, I worked hard for, because of his behaviour. Thanks x