Am I expecting too much from DS 14 regarding communication?

[plyplaypro]

DS, 14 (not far off 15) has started going out a lot with friends (many of whom I don’t know).

He has stopped coming home directly from school and a couple of times I’ve had to text and say where are you (I wfh) - only then he says I’m out etc.

Ive asked him to let me know his plans. He says no one does that proactively with their parents - that I should be getting in touch with him and finding out where he is. I think it’s just respectful to let me know.

is he talking shite or am I being unreasonable?

I am finding this age v hard and tough on my patience, tbh

A condition of ds (same age) being allowed more freedom is that he communicates his plans and whereabouts with us, who he is with and what time he'll be back. He accepts it unquestioningly and is very communicative. We frame it as a safety issue, because it is. If he has homework to do, we expect him home (he accepts that it's important now he's starting his GCSEs). If he hasn't got any, he can go to a friend's house or whatever, but he's home before dark.

No I don’t think you’re expecting too much. What you’re asking is more than fair

Life 360 is a game changer! We both know where the other is.
Also, it’s just polite to say I’ll be home at / Can you pick me up from / can so and so come for tea.

Life 360.

Mine have it, if they don’t, I won’t pay their phone bill

You definitely shouldn’t have to be asking where he is constantly, it’s manners for him to tell you if he is going somewhere straight from school.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to send a quick text to say I'm at x friend's house. It's just considerate to let you know if he's not going to be home.

You give him a choice either he starts communicating with you or tell him you will track him on life360 or its straight home after school up to him which he chooses

This is what I think. This is what he was told. This is not what has happened!

I have Life 360. But it’s a principle, a matter of respect that he just texts and says where he is

I don’t think you’re asking too much. With my son I text are you ok, and the rule is that he simply says yes. It doesn’t have to be any more than that.

If you have life 360 you can see where he is.

Could you have a time he needs to message by? Eg if no t home by 5,he has to message.

You are right. Relying only on 360 is just copping out of teaching them to respect others.

Tell him you don't care what others do, in your family the rule is <this> for <this reason> and the consequence for not doing it will be <this>.

Funny enough I was just looking through my old messages with DS1 last night from when he was about 14 as I didn’t realise they were stored on my iPad. There were loads where I was asking were he was and a couple where I told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to keep his phone switched on. And one with me asking what he’s doing in a particularly dodgy area - he must have had tracking enabled on WhatsApp, which we did for a while. There were all these replies like ‘yeah’ and ‘ok’ and ‘see you soon’. But the later messages are all him telling me where he was and which bus he was getting, what time he was leaving his friend’s house or that he was just walking up the hill near home etc. It was an interesting read. He obviously got the idea and realised that if he didn’t tell me where he was he would get nagged🤣

Then you rein his freedom in. Your expectations are not too high. He is not upholding his side of the 'deal'.

It’s basic decency, you let me know if you’re not coming straight home from school and if you will be in for tea or not, plus if your ETA home changes.

My DS is 19 now working full time, we still have similar rules, he doesn’t have a curfew or need to tell me where he is etc, just whether he’s in for tea, will be home before I go to bed (as the dog sleeps in his room, so to sort him out) and whether he is sleeping in or out.

I’m going to be a dissenting voice and say that if you’ve gone to the trouble of downloading and paying for Life360 so you know where he is then why do you a need another text confirming where he is when you can already see where he is and he knows you can see where he is? Just seems like a bit of make work tbh.
Mine is (generally) a very polite and respectful one and he’ll tell me vague plans…. “‘Might meet x after school” but as long as he is home by agreed time and eats his nutritious dinner (so hasn’t filled up on dreadful bits of chicken) I don’t see the need for extra texts as well confirming what I can see on Life360?

Broadly i am in the camp of "let me k ow" and ds is mostly pretty good. We also have life 360. But as hes got a bit older we have sort of naturally moved.goal posts. He is 14. So after school, I probably wouldn't start wondering where he is now until close to 5. He often stays for sport - and at his school they can be spontaneous so they might all decide last minute to go to rugby for example- or will pop to a local friend. If I notice and am thinking about it I check on life 360. But as it gets towards 5 I expect more.proactice comms.