Failing my children and I don’t know how to make it better

[sosad3]

I had my second child 5 weeks ago and I hate my life.

My once happy, chilled, vibrant 2 year old has changed overnight. I can’t deal with the temper tantrums, the refusing bedtime (my friends always joked I was the lucky one as all of her life I’ve been able to give her a kiss and cuddle, say good night and she’d fall asleep by herself and sleep 12 hours), she loved the bath, now she’s hysterical anytime I try to put her near it, she doesn’t want a nappy on but refuses to toilet train, she shouts “I want a cuddle” over and over and over until I feel like I’ve got tunnel vision and sensory overload. She refuses to get in her car seat now so I avoid going out. I’m literally a shell of myself.

I have one 2 one time with her every single day, multiple times when baby is sleeping, we do puzzles, we cuddle, we read, we play hide and seek and it’s not good enough.

DH also takes her swimming and to the library every week. Nothing in her routine has changed other than she has to wait longer than 1 minute for me to get her a drink now or whatever it is she wants if I’m feeding baby.

I feel so much guilt, I hate that I’ve ruined her, I hate that I’ve got this tiny baby who needs me and I’m spinning plates constantly and watching them smash and in turn failing him too.

My post partum with DD was wonderful, we went through 10 years of infertility, I gave birth to her 5 days before my 30th birthday, she lit up my world. I spent days cuddling her, soaking her up, walking with her in the pram in the lovely spring and summer weather. She slept perfectly, she rarely cried, she was a dream. After a long history of depression and anxiety, it was the best I’d felt in years and years.

Now I’ve been blessed with this beautiful baby boy and I hate my life. I can’t give him the amount of time I gave her. I feel guilty that most days I do the bare minimum, feed and change his nappy, wash him, change his clothes and give him a quick cuddle in between washing up, laundry, sorting toddler.

I’m exhausted. I won’t even attempt to take them both out. We stupidly bought a new build flat 2 years ago and we can’t afford to buy a house anytime soon so we haven’t even got a garden but from the outside looking in, you’d tell me to shut up and be grateful, 2 healthy kids, a lovely warm and safe home, a loving husband.

I feel so sorry for both of them, they deserve better than what I can give them and I don’t know what to do, where to turn. I feel like I’m drowning but nobody can see me.

Honestly, pregnancy and the newborn bubble are very different with a demanding (and often jealous!) toddler in the background. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself; easier said than done. Is DD at nursery at all?

This will get better. I promise you. Your daughter has had a major upheaval, but she will learn to cope. Keep loving her, teaching her she can wait. Ride out the tantrums and you will come through this. Pretty soon she won't remember a time without her little brother. Be kind to yourself. Post partum is a lot.

It’s so hard with two when new baby is born, your dd has had her world changed and is no longer the baby, no longer your only child and only focus, and she won’t have built up a proper bond with baby yet. What helped us when in the same situation was to separate our time out during the week into focus on each child. I kept my dd in nursery 3 days a week, which gave her routines time out of the house where she got to go play with her friends and do fun things, and it also gave me proper one on one time with my baby DS which is so important, and I got to take him to baby classes and speak to other mums. Then on the other two days when dd was at home I focused on her and gave her my time. Obviously I attended to baby’s needs, but I did things with them that were for her, like soft play trips and other outing to places she wanted to go to, read stories with her, played games with her and baby just came with to whatever we were doing.

Please please don’t feel guilty!!! You’re doing an amazing job girl.

you’ve birthed 2 whole humans!!! Wow! That’s incredible.

now. You’ve jus had a baby so those baby blues and hormones are all over the place

whys happening is perfectly normal. I imagine without the baby it would have happened. My daughter was amazing till she hit 4 and then she turned into like a devil child!! We joke about it now she’s a teenager but from 4-11 she was hard work. now I hadn’t raised my voice at my kids for years. I’m so so blessed to have the kids I have as mine are now no trouble. But it wasn’t always smooth sailing

but this is all normal. She’s a little worried and needs more reassurance but that’s normal!

you’ve got his girl. ❤️❤️

Breath. You are being way to hard on yourself. Having a new baby is really tricky even more so with a toddler. I have a 15 month gap between my two and it was brutal.

My advice is always prep everything for the toddler before you sit to feed the baby. Make sure they havs a snack and drink at hand.

Fuck the housework. You need to decide what really absolutely needs doing and ignore the rest.

Let the toddler be the baby. My eldest really repressed. She wanted to be cradled and nurtured like a baby.

When H is home take some to yourself. Do stuff for you. Not jobs. You need time to refill your cut.

Lastly, there's no shame on asking for help. If your struggling contact the HV or GP.

It’s only been 5 weeks, it probably feels like an absolute lifetime I appreciate, but it’s so new.

Things will change so much, this isn’t your new normal, this is your new temporary!

This is completely normal OP, you are normal and your kids are normal. You will all adjust. It's only been 5 weeks!!

It will be good for your daughter in the long term to have a sibling. Your baby in a few months time will likely think his big sister is the most fascinating and funny thing in the world.

Please do practice going out with them both. That will get easier too! It's normal for it to be really hard at first xx

You're amazing, I couldn't even contemplate a second so am in awe of those doing so well.
What's your childcare / other half / family availability? It sounds like you need a day of cuddling your new baby, sod everything else.

You're being way too hard on yourself and I think expecting way too much.

It would be odd if your 2 year old wasn't kicking off about the new baby. You can keep her routine as much the same as possible but the baby is different. She's allowed to respond to this and you're allowed to find that response hard to manage. It won't be forever.

You can't give your second the time you give your first, but I've come to see that this can be a good thing. My DD has a kind of sunny self reliance, and she makes easy bonds with other caregivers. I also think the lack of intense 1:1 focus can make younger kids less anxious. And your baby will be able to watch and learn from your DD and they will eventually have their own bond, which is also an experience your DD didn't get.

Is your new baby bottle fed? If so, could you DH take them both out and give you some alone time to just decompress?

I would try to take them out. Not in the car. Baby in a sling, DD in a buggy. The fresh air will do you all good. Parks are quite easy while you're baby wearing.

Considering your history, I'd also be talking to my HV about PND.

Agree with Bus. Lower your standards.

i have similar age gap - I can’t even remember the stage you are at it was too exhausting. The older one has just gone to university and is thriving and happy. The appearance of a now adored sibling when she was 2.5 has had no zero negative affect. Take a step back. You’re doing brilliantly!