My mum not helping

[BioMommy]

So, I need to know whether I’m being unreasonable / unrealistic or whatever else. My mum lives with me and my DD (3yo). I’m a solo parent and my DD has no contact with her father. I work full time, am
also working on a part time side hustle after ad is in bed and my DD is in full time childcare.
My mum doesn’t work, is in receipt of OAP, and buys some food for the house. I pay all bills, rest of food, laundry & cleaning stuff, meals out et etc.
My issue is, the house is dirty. I pay for a cleaned 2 hours a fortnight, but it’s just not clean. I really feel like my mum should be doing more. She does the ironing and occasionally tidies up, but from what I can see she spends the vast majority of her day sat in her chair watching tv.
I think some of the issue stems from about 10 years ago, she paid off approx £20k of debt of mine and now I think she she thinks that she’s entitled to free board and lodgings forever.
I’m struggling so much, financially, with the state of the house and constantly being tired. I literally never get a break.
I just wanted opinions to see if am being u reasonable. X

How old is she does she have health issues. If not just seems very lazy to me. Why can't she look after DD if she lives with you and is at home all day.

What has she said about it when you've discussed it?

What’s the back story? Why does she live there? Does she have health conditions? How old is she? What’s happened when it’s been discussed in the past?

How old is she?
What is her health like?
Are you expecting her to be a live in housekeeper?

My DM (72) lives alone and spends the vast majority of her time sat in a chair, her mess is her own though, I imagine you household mess is mostly down to DC. Maybe she doesn’t feel she should be responsible for cleaning after them?

that said, I can’t imagine living somewhere and not doing my fair of household chores!

Does your AD pitch in?
Are you able to ask DM to move out, and if she does would the level of mess be the same as you are dealing with now? I’m not sure I could have someone living with me in those cir, I’d feel such resentment I’d rather they left, or does she help with childcare at all?

Was the 20k a gift or loan?
How long has she lived with you?
And why should she work if she has a pension income?

Was the 20k a gift or loan?
How long has she lived with you?
And why should she work if she has a pension income?

What was the reason for moving in together in the first place? Was it your place or hers?

Was there a discussion about how it would work?

On the face of it you are absolutely right, but it depends on the circumstances surrounding the decision to move in.

oh no why is she living with you?

Is she willing to babysit so you can go out and have some fun or date? If she won’t help practically she needs to help more financially? I’m sure she’s had 20k of free rent by now

Be better if she just didn’t live with you as she isn’t helping and making a mess I guess.

The 20k is an issue. Was it a gift or are you supposed to be paying it back. Did she sell her house to move in with you?

Sorry to be obtuse but what does ad stand for?

Like pp I'm wondering whether she has health issues- either physical or possibly cognitive decline.
Certainly just sitting watching tv all day , unless there is some existing health reason, is not good for her at all.
I'm in my 70s and I know only too well that if you "don't use it you lose it" when it comes to keeping your body and mind as healthy as possible.
If she really is doing nothing because she paid off your debt then that is so tranactional. Surely she can see you struggling and would want to contribute to running the home a bit to lighten your load.
I think it's time for a talk with your DM and that you be upfront about small ways she could help lessen your load. Not a confrontation: a discussion which you could also use to find out if she does have problems you don't know about regarding her health.

Well it isn't how my mum would act (age 82) and it also isn't how my grandmother would have acted at any point in her life.
I think it's unreasonable unless there is a health issue that prevents her from moving about. My mum has also given my money in the past, but it wouldn't be a factor in how much she helped if we lived together.

I’m guessing as she’s in receipt of a State Pension, she’s late 60’s or in her 70’s? I’d be very worried about your mum rather than annoyed with her, if she’s not looking after herself very well or having an active social life. Has she got particular health issues that limit her mobility?

I have lots of older friends in their 70’s and 80’s as I run a group for older single ladies and they all still drive and attend lots of social events. My friend C in her early 80’s travelled alone to Sri Lanka on holiday in August to see her adult DC and another friend P in her late 70’s, has just returned from a trip to Morocco. She flew there alone but joined a tour group when she arrived in Morocco.

Several of them have had replacement joints (hips and knees), but it doesn’t stop them from going out and about and having fun with friends.

Duplicate post

Well what was the arrangement you and her agreed to when she moved in? Have you paid her back?

She isn't acting like a caring mother. I'm in my eighties and could never behave like that with a daughter. The £20,000 is irrelevant. I have lent money to my daughters but it would never be transactional. And I would have thought she would want to help with dgc. She obviously is fit as you wouldn't post if she had health problems. She is a selfish lazy motherIMO