Husband acting strange

[northyolk]

He works with around 10-15 other people and I was out somewhere and saw a woman with his work uniform on. She was with someone who was calling her by name let’s call her Lily.
I mentioned later on in chat that’s I saw someone he worked with and he pretended not to know who I was talking about so after an in depth description to jog his memory he vaguely says oh yeah she does work there.

He says her name is Claire, but I already know her name is not Claire so ask him why he said her name was Claire when she is called Lily.
He can’t give me an answer, only that he doesn’t know why he said that and it was a stupid thing to say and he’s sorry.
Why would he lie? Does this seem suspiciously odd to you?
I didn’t care what her name is but I don’t understand why he deliberately lied about her name.

These threads with only half a story told from one person's perspective are impossible to get to the truth. We werent there, we don't know the tone of the OPs questioning, nor the DHs frame of mind when he was under cross-examination.

then follows the stream of conjecture and assumptions by posters guessing what the DH has done.

if he has zero history of any mistrusting behaviour or unfaithfulness, getting a random female's name at work wrong is probably not time to rush to divorce. If you the OP have other incidents of him chasing after other women then you'll know how likely it is he has been chasing Lily.

Does he have form?

On the face of it your behaviour and questioning is really odd.
There must be a back story? Have partners in the past accused you of being jealous and paranoid? Or have you had bad experiences with dp cheating before?

Exactly. Surely you would have said I saw some one from your work and heard her name was Lily?

At which point of he shrugged and said I don’t know anyone called Lily you would have just
left it at that surely?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Did you only say her name was Lily after he said Claire?

These threads with only half a story told from one person's perspective are impossible to get to the truth

To be fair, it’s the same most threads on AIBU, Relationships and others.

My sister is called a completely different name at work than she is by family or old friends. Her work name is her official name on her birth certificate, professional qualifications etc and her other name evolved from a pet name she had as a baby when my brother ( then a toddler) couldn’t pronounce her real name. When people call her by her official name I have to take a double take and then realise they are talking about my sister!
There may be nothing at all suspicious about your DH and the work colleague

Unless you're an avid Guess Who player this is very odd behavior.

🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant!

That's not how I understood the OP

I took it mean she said she had seen Lily earlier today, expecting DH to know who she meant.

It was only after he played dumb that she got suspicious and described Lily, only for DH to then lie about her name.

I wouldn't go so far as to say there is anything actually going on, but he might fancy her. Doesn't mean he would actually do anything about it, but you caught him on the hop.

But I could be wrong.

This.

The number of times people post on here with minuscule fibs from their partners - only telling half the story and being unclear as to why they felt the need to question in the first place - and get dozens of people who know bugger-all the situation egging them to leave their partner or question him or go through his phone is insane.

Recently there was a thread on here where a woman had told her boyfriend she was having a shower before leaving his house after him. She actually hadn’t had a shower, she’d just gone home after a quick wash.

He then realises the shower hadn’t been used and repeatedly questioned her and accused her of having an affair because if she’d lied about that, what else was she lying about, etc.

Her reason for lying was actually that he’d told her she was gross and embarrassed previously for not having a shower one night, so she felt awkward and told a silly fib as a result to try to avoid an inquisition.

Correctly, she was informed that her boyfriend was controlling and paranoid and needed to get a grip.

For all we know, this OP’s partner might be having an affair, we have no idea. But I think it’s at least equally - probably more - likely that the OP questions him for details of every woman he ever speaks to and then causes arguments about them if he mentions them in passing again in future with “Oh, LILY, is it, she’s the pretty one I saw you with that time, why are you mentioning her, why did you sit next to PRETTY LILY at the Christmas do instead of one of the older women? Oh so they’ve put you on the same team as Lily have they, why?” etc and consequently he just tried to deflect that by making up a name instead.

Then why did he apologise and say he didn't know why he'd done that (which is presumably a reference to making up a name?)

Thats exactly how it read to me too.

And exactly how I could imagine an inncoent conversation of this nature unfolding right up to the point he lied.

Is there a backstory? Because why did you go through the rigmarole of describing this woman rather than saying “I heard someone call her Lily”

Makes me wonder if this is the same poster as a thread from earlier with diagrams.

OP, how big is his workplace? If they have branded T-shirts I would assume a bigger business? What if he genuinely didn’t put two and two together or there are multiple similar looking women? If I saw someone from DH’s work I’d say ‘oh I saw someone from your work when in the shops today’ and he’d go ‘oh okay, cool’. And that would be that. I wouldn’t be fishing to find out who it was… I wonder if he got the name right straight away if you’d be going OMG HOW / WHY DO YOU KNOW HER NAME

Other than the fact this woman was wearing the same uniform as your husband have you ever seen her before? Does your husband actually know her?

They work together yes, but that doesn't mean they know each other. I couldn't name everyone I work with

Its an odd interaction that you would pay enough attention to someone you saw out and about in your husbands work uniform that you would remember how she looked well enough to give an accurate, detailed description and notice and remember her friend was calling her Lily. And then not tell your husband you saw his work colleague lily. You were obviously trying to catch him out, and perhaps he picked up on that. Or perhaps he genuinely didn't know who you were talking about

I can't understand how this conversation went. To me it sounds like:

You: "I saw your colleague in the street earlier. Female, brown hair, glasses."

Him: "Oh that's probably Claire"

You: "No! It was Lily"

Him: "You got me! I lied. Night hon"

It doesn't make any sense / feels like there's a lot of info missing here

You have no idea. It's not just trying to have normal conversation, it's questioning EVERYTHING to the nth degree, she verbally gives a running commentary on her life too eg. "I'm just putting this cup down on the coffee table" or "I'm just thinking whether I should go into the kitchen now, or wait until the microwave pings". My Dad said he could never take her to the cinema when they were dating because she would talk all the way through the film and constantly keep asking questions about the actors, plot etc. Its way way beyond normal human interaction. She speaks all her thoughts, doubts (and there's MILLIONS of them every day) and questions out loud. All day. Every day. The questioning and second guessing is endless.

It's exhausting being with her because your brain can NEVER switch off and never relax. I only have it when I visit but my poor Dad has constant questions and irrelevant waffle fired at him CONSTANTLY. He has terminal cancer and we always joke that when he finally goes she won't even notice for 3 days until she finally pauses for breath and realises there's no "Yes dear" in reply. It really is my Dad you should feel sorry for.

Surely what you are describing indicates she is suffering from some form of mental illness or personality disorder?
Has she ever been diagnosed or sought medical help for this?

I'm really sorry about your Dad.

I'm so confused 😆

Did you take a picture of her, show it to DH and then he lied about her name?

Were you with DH when you saw her?

Did you give a description of her when you got home?

Does the company that DH works for only employ one female?

Does he know everybody at work?

I really don't understand how he lied.

Dad says he realised many years ago she wasn't right, but thought it might pass and wasn't worth worrying about. He admits he should have addressed it. I have begged and pleaded with her to get help, counselling or support but she either argued she's just a normal loving wife/Mum showing concern for her family, or on one occasion she cried and said she couldn't go through a diagnosis pathway "incase they tell me I'm crazy". 🙄

While my Mum is an extreme version, I just recognise that people can be oblivious to just how destructive and toxic their even innocent persistent questioning can be.

With all due respect I think the way OP brought up the matter of seeing her H's colleague and her subsequent questioning of him about this woman is a totally different thing from the long standing issue with your mother and the way her behaviour manifests itself.

Hmmmm, I take it he has form so you deliberately tried to catch him out re the name? Well, you know he lied, he admitted it, so I think you are right to be suspicious. I’d be doing some straight talking about your relationship, and probably some digging about this woman.

Weird thing to lie about but the whole conversation sounds meandering and like you were expecting him to lie.

What is the root of the problem here? No need to answer here, just ask yourself.

Good luck x