Help! What should I do?

[Anonymous17B]

During the lockdown period my husband completed some work for my best friend in her house. He fitted a sink and did some tiling. My friend did not pay him for this work, even though this was discussed. I encouraged my husband to send an invoice to my friend but he refused stating that if she was a friend she would pay. At this point I tried to stay out of the situation and leave them to sort, but this never happened. They have seen each other since, but my husband avoids her.

My husband is very upset that I remain friends with this person and feels that I have prioritised her over him. We still argue about this 4 years later. I feel that he should have addressed it at the time, and he feels that I should have addressed as she is my friend. He says he doesn’t care if I’m friends with her, but then in arguments will say if I prioritised him I wouldn’t be friends with her. I’m lost and very upset by the whole thing and constant arguments! Should I bring this up with her 4 years after the incident? If not, what do I do, I can’t keep having the same argument!

Was I unreasonable at the time and should have told her directly?

You've really cocked up here. Why on earth didn't you remind and then tell her to pay him as agreed for the work?! Your poor husband, that's a real kick in the teeth.

I imagine your friend thinks it was a kind gesture by your husband. You should've made it clear. I think you should pay your husband but say it was from.your friend.

Yes I don't understand why he didn't mention it at the time. I assume she paid for the tiles and sink, so he was just doing the labour?
4 years seems a long time to be bringing it up again, if he had asked at the time and you also did, then I would suggest she is a CF but as neither of you said anything at the time maybe she thought he no longer wanted anything for it and was doing it as a favour.

I think it's disrespecful of both of you. What was her reason for not paying for the work? I wouldn't want to be a friend of someone who behaves like that. You don't walk into a shop and not pay for goods.

What a nightmare. Your friend should have paid but your husband should have sent an invoice. How was she supposed to know how much to pay if he didn’t send a bill, but she should have asked. I think 4 years is a ridiculous length of time to bring this up. I think you and your husband will need to agree to disagree and he can’t keep bringing it up. I would be wary of this friend in the future tbh as I don’t like people who don’t pay their bills!

"My friend did not pay him for this work, even though this was discussed."

What was discussed and by whom? This seems to be key to it.

Did your husband say, "I'd like £100 please" and she didn't pay?
Did she say, "I'd like to pay you, how much do I owe you?" and your husband never replied.

Why are you having 'constant arguments over this? Why don't you agree on a sensible plan (based on what was discussed between you, DH and friend at the time) and do something about it? Or perhaps just agree it's one of those things and both, for the sake of a happy peaceful life, bloody well move on and enjoy life.

I don’t get why you didn’t say anything to your best friend about this at the time, I can see why he thinks you’re on her side.

If he wanted paying like any other trades person he really should have sent an invoice, like any other trades person would have? I think the lack of invoice maybe caused her to forget or more likely miss interpret the situation. She clearly Yes really she should have clarified if that was the case but I can understand how this has come about due to his stubbornness. She’s most likely unwittingly thinking your hubby just did her a big favour completely unaware of his seething resentment. Does he not think friends help each other out? I do find it strange as , e.g if you were a registered childminder and you one off baby sat for the children of a friend of your husband’s while they went to a wedding for a whole day, but although discussed fees didn’t invoice them for it as you usually would, people would think it ridiculous if you seethed resentment for years over it, despite possibly involving the same amount of time and labour?
You shouldn’t have been dragged into it anyway

If the friend thought the DH had done the work a favour she could at least have offered money. If that was refused or no bill was forthcoming it would have been decent of her to give him a crate of beer, a few bottles of wine or a voucher for a meal out or something. She sounds like she must be a bit of a freeloader. I can see why he'd be miffed.

I assume your husband is a tradesperson as his job? Did he say to your friend 'Yes, I can do the work and it will cost £150' and she didn't pay? Or did she say 'How much will I owe you' and your husband said 'Well, it should be in the region of £100' and she was expecting to receive an invoice with the final amount. She didn't receive one, and decided he did the job as a favour. If your husband is a tradesperson, then the fact his customer is your friend, is irrelevant. She should have been treated the same as any other paying customer. If a customer who wasn't known to your or him, didn't pay, he'd have sent them an invoice! So why didn't he send your friend one???? That's completely on him. It's your friend, but the work was agreed between him and her, not you. If a customer didn't pay your husband, that you didn't know, he wouldn't expect you to get involved. This should have been no different. No, you can't, 4 years down the line, start asking for money - that ship sailed 4 years ago!!! He'll have to put it down to experience, and next time, invoice the person, like you told him too!! No point in arguing about it, he needs to move on.

Your friend sounds like an awful free loader. Who waits for an invoice after knowing work has been completed ... especially by a friend and doesn't chase this up?

I can't imagine not ringing to say something along the lines of "Work looks great, how much do I owe and send me payment details" when it is a friend who has completed the work.

That said, your husband should have made it clear to you at the time that he needed some sort of resolution to this in order to move forwards and not keep bringing it up 4 years later

I can see him being pissed off and not wanting a relationship with her himself, but its up to you who you are friends with and it sounds like it is his business so he should have treated her like a customer?

I can't believe the work and payment has never come up between you and friend in 4 years tho?

Yes I think that is what most people where I mix with and where I live now would do, however it’s not the same everywhere and I’ve lived among people for whom doing favours was just the norm as was almost seen as strange to try and make the favour transactional, almost felt like the done thing was to not make a big deal out of it. By not receiving an invoice I can imagine the friend thought she’d been let off the bill and he wouldn’t want a big fuss being made over that. However living where I live now I can understand how she would be seen as a rude freeloader

Your friend should definitely have paid him at the time, but no way should your husband be using this as a stick to beat you with years later. That’s an arsehole thing to do.
I would just be honest with your friend and say ‘look, you may not realise it, but you’re making my life harder by not paying, as he casts it up in every disagreement we ever have.’

And I wouldn’t want to be married to a man like that.
Continuing to bring it up in the context of an argument is pathetic.
Man up and bill her or forget about it.

Was payment agreed or just discussed? If it was agreed he shouldn’t have to send an invoice to a friend. If it was my friend that agreed tp pay but didn’t then no I wouldn’t still be friends with her. If it was just discussed then maybe she thinks he didn’t give an amount so he worked for free.

You said payment was discussed, so the nature of that discussion is key. If your husband quoted her a price as a tradesman that she agreed to and she hasn't paid him, she's at fault for that.

But if it was done in the context of a favor for a friend ("What will I owe you?" "Oh don't worry, we'll sort something out later") then there's obviously ambiguity there. You friend would have been polite to follow up, but given that neither you or your partner have made any mention of it to her for four years, she's fair to assume that you weren't expecting payment.

In either scenario, both you and your partner are at fault for leaving it so long. I can understand your partner not wanting to cause friction with a friend of his wife's by sending her invoices or asking for money, especially after time has passed. But if that was the case, he should have asked you to approach your friend at the time.

If he didn't, and he wasn't willing to invoice/ask her himself, he needs to get over it.

At the same time, you arranged this, so you should have made sure that your friend and DH were both on the same page when it came to payment, and you should have chased it as soon as you became aware. It does seem like you're trying to avoid any responsibility.

I expect your DH feels that your friend has ripped him off on a job you organized, and is unhappy that you're still friends with this person as if nothing has happened. That's fair. But in truth, you both could have handled this better.

Sounds like both of you wanted to avoid the slightly awkward payment question?

You should have reminded her to pay
He should have sent an invoice

Bringing it up after 4 years is ridiculous though

Why didn't he send an invoice though? Does he need walking through buttoning his coat too? Why was it at that point YOUR responsibility?

How was payment discussed at the time? Formally or informally? Did she ask him to do the work or did he offer? Was it a favour or a job? Did the conversation go, "How much do you want?" "Oh, we'll sort that out later." Or was she given a price?

Jobs and payment between friends is always awkward unless it's firmly agreed beforehand because no one wants to look/be unreasonable only no one is sure what unreasonable is either. Some people are genuinely cheeky fuckers and some people just feel awkward and are waiting for an invoice.

If the conversation was, "John, I need some work doing on the house. It's difficult to get someone in because of lockdown, would you be able to do it?" The onus was possibly on her to offer payment and ask how much.

But if it was more

"I need some work doing on the house but it's really difficult to get someone in because of lockdown."

"I'll do it. I've got nothing else going on," the onus was on him.

Is this his line of work?

Tbh, after 4 years, it's probably past the point of being able to ask. Personally, I don't think there should be any expectation of you to get involved. She wanted the work doing and he did the work. The work came to him because she's your friend but you are not directly involved in any way. The conversation, agreement and payment should have been between them. Unless its your responsibility to chase all payments for him.

It’s a mess . DH should have quoted a price for the job and asked for the money on completion. He obviously didn’t do that and so the friend assumed he didn’t need paying. Perhaps he assumed that you were sorting out that side of things. If the two of you could clarify what went wrong and how you both feel now, perhaps you can let it go.