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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My children’s father is abusive. Should I stop contact?

18 replies

PinkiePie23 · 11/10/2025 20:20

Hi please bare with me.

I’m looking for some advice.
I was in a relationship for 12 years with an abusive man. We had two children together.
One of my children is autistic and has sometimes difficult behaviour.
Instructed to allow them to still let them see dad on separation so I did.
However my daughter is starting to tell me that she thinks her dad is abusive. He is aggressive verbally and says mean things. He recently also threatened my other child who is autistic while he was having a meltdown.
I can’t trust this man with my children.. what are my next steps please? I want to stop contact and demand that he go and talk to a therapist about his behaviours. Am I being unreasonable for this? I just cannot sit and do nothing while he emotionally and possibly physically harms my children.

OP posts:
Swimswans · 11/10/2025 22:03

Bump
As I am following with interest.

familyissues12345 · 11/10/2025 22:08

I feel you need to put the children’s needs before his. Trust your gut.

Bourneo · 11/10/2025 22:29

So I am currently going through exactly this. I stopped the contact and we are currently going through court. Do you think he's likely to go to court to fight for access and do you think your children are old enough/strong enough to tell cafcass that they really don't want to see him.

If they are firm in telling cafcass in their own words, not yours, then they shouldn't have to see him. But be warned this will be a long, awful process. And depends on his personality how far he pushes it with reapplying to court etc.

I have been told by cafcass, social services and police that no one can force my child to go kicking and screaming to see their dad, even if direct contact is ordered. If I had known this year's ago, I'd have stopped contact a lot sooner.

This is one of my biggest regrets, that I allowed him to continue seeing and damaging my child. I also wish I'd never put him on the birth certificate, as then he'd have less rights.

Ultimately, you have to trust your gut and do what's right for your children. But be aware that if he has parental responsibility and goes to court and the children say yes, they want to see him, there's not a lot you can do. Unless you can prove he's a significant risk to them.

If they say no, you have so much more chance. But it'll be an upward battle, as unfortunately the courts view is 2 parents are better than 1, even if 1 is damaging the kids. 😭

With your autistic child, might be an idea if they draw how they feel, if unable to say. Ask for a specially trained cafcass officer to help. Good luck x

Bourneo · 11/10/2025 22:35

Also to add- texts have also helped me, as I'd told him about his behaviour over a year before on 2 separate occasions. So i was able to prove he was aware of it and he has said in the texts back that he won't do it again.

I'd also told him in person many times, but they won't count that, it's all 'hearsay'. If there's no proof it didn't happen in the eyes of court.

Also get a dash report and do a c1a form to detail the abuse you suffered with him. And ask for a screen and am escort to the car. If it goes to court.

PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 09:25

My children are 10 and 12. My daughter certainly would speak up on this behaviour and I’m sure she would be listened to. I’m not sure I’d want to bring my son into things as hes vulnerable. I’ve spent years intervening between them both to stop dad saying and doing awful things, I think it’s gone past bad parenting and just pure emotional abuse at this point. I don’t want my kids to start associating love with fear and becoming part of an abuse cycle with cognitive dissonance etc. I’m not sure he would go to court as he knows he has an abusive past with me that was reported so I have all evidence and my daughter will speak without my influence on anything 🥺

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 12/10/2025 09:27

You need to be keeping a log of evidence.

Make sure you’ve got school, the kids doctors and anyone else in the loop.

PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 09:29

I believe they’ll already have the proof. He was arrested and charged for domestic battery; he had to undertake a course on violence and building relationships which did stop the physical stuff but the mental stuff is just horrendous, he screams/shouts swears at the kids, this isn’t the first time he’s threatened to hurt my son either it’s instantly what he threatens as soon as my son is having a difficult time and is acting out, my son has now taken what dad said literally and thinks he means to harm him now. On top of this he’s very controlling to the kids it’s his way or get shouted at and belittled, he’s inconsistent in his visits none of th kids really enjoy seeing him anymore and don’t even really go out with him places at least my daughter stopped wanting to a long while ago.

OP posts:
PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 09:31

He also smokes weed, he used to be an alcoholic claims to have changed but I don’t know and I can’t prove that.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 12/10/2025 09:39

100% stop sending them.

If he takes you back to court this is all very compelling evidence of why you stopped and no judge will disregard it. Regardless of what’s on a court order no one has the right to bully and abuse your kids and you have the right to stop him doing so. Plus he would have to get his act together and instruct a solicitor, and you will get a chance to put your case forward to them, even before it gets to court.

I suppose if you wanted to appear uber-reasonable you could offer to him that he could have contact with at least your son in a supervised contact centre, but he would obviously have to arrange and pay for it I bet the useless twat won’t.

PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 10:09

Heronwatcher · 12/10/2025 09:39

100% stop sending them.

If he takes you back to court this is all very compelling evidence of why you stopped and no judge will disregard it. Regardless of what’s on a court order no one has the right to bully and abuse your kids and you have the right to stop him doing so. Plus he would have to get his act together and instruct a solicitor, and you will get a chance to put your case forward to them, even before it gets to court.

I suppose if you wanted to appear uber-reasonable you could offer to him that he could have contact with at least your son in a supervised contact centre, but he would obviously have to arrange and pay for it I bet the useless twat won’t.

Honestly I wouldn’t be opposed to supervised visits if I knew he was doing the work he needs to do, I’m not taking it upon myself to put this into place though so I’ll leave him to seek advice on that. He wouldn’t pay though I can’t imagine and I expect he’ll stop sending child maintenance through soon with not being allowed to see them.
This has been ongoing for such a long time and I’ve spoken to him about it so many times, I have videos of him saying he fantasises about watching me die while we were together still, the only thing I had the courage to record. He’s not right in the head honestly 🥺 I don’t want my kids thinking this is normal.

Do you have any advice what I can tell the children in the meantime if they ask ? I don’t want to bad mouth dad as I know it looks bad plus I don’t have to anyway they have made their own minds up about him over the years.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 12/10/2025 14:15

I think tell the kids something as vague as possible but which leaves the door open. It depends on your situation but what about “Dad is having some problems at the moment/ working some things out which means that he can’t see you, but he does love you and maybe in the future things will be better.” Then change the subject. If your kids are actively upset you may need to re-think but I’d be guided by them.

Bourneo · 12/10/2025 19:21

PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 09:25

My children are 10 and 12. My daughter certainly would speak up on this behaviour and I’m sure she would be listened to. I’m not sure I’d want to bring my son into things as hes vulnerable. I’ve spent years intervening between them both to stop dad saying and doing awful things, I think it’s gone past bad parenting and just pure emotional abuse at this point. I don’t want my kids to start associating love with fear and becoming part of an abuse cycle with cognitive dissonance etc. I’m not sure he would go to court as he knows he has an abusive past with me that was reported so I have all evidence and my daughter will speak without my influence on anything 🥺

Well in that case, 100% stop contact now. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. I think I'd be honest with your daughter and say his behaviour isn't acceptable. And you're going to keep her home and stop contact with him. Explain it like you have here, if she wants to see him she can see him in a contact centre with supervision. With your son, only you know what he'll understand. Your daughter is old enough to keep the truth to herself and not tell him. Good luck xx

ThePoliteLion · 12/10/2025 19:32

Another vote for stopping direct contact now.
It’s very unlikely that anyone in the family justice system (eg. a judge, or a carcass officer) would criticise you AT ALL for stopping contact.
You have to safeguard your kids now.
(I work in this field)
x

PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 20:09

ThePoliteLion · 12/10/2025 19:32

Another vote for stopping direct contact now.
It’s very unlikely that anyone in the family justice system (eg. a judge, or a carcass officer) would criticise you AT ALL for stopping contact.
You have to safeguard your kids now.
(I work in this field)
x

Thankyou, I have told him he's not seeing them until he seeks the correct help to change his behaviours and he's supervised. He completely just blocked me, now I'm sat frightened wondering if he's just going to turn up to my house and hurt me :( do you think womens aid would help me?

OP posts:
PinkiePie23 · 12/10/2025 20:10

Bourneo · 12/10/2025 19:21

Well in that case, 100% stop contact now. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. I think I'd be honest with your daughter and say his behaviour isn't acceptable. And you're going to keep her home and stop contact with him. Explain it like you have here, if she wants to see him she can see him in a contact centre with supervision. With your son, only you know what he'll understand. Your daughter is old enough to keep the truth to herself and not tell him. Good luck xx

Edited

Thankyou so much for your advice. I am going to completely cut contact, although mentioned to someone else on here that I'm now frightened of the possibility of him coming to harm me, I think I'm going to seek advice from the relevant services on that front. I've spoken to my daughter today and just explained to her, she is happy that she's no longer going to be subject to his nasty behaviour.

OP posts:
ThePoliteLion · 12/10/2025 20:20

OP, use the Women’s Aid website to find your local support. But if he turns up at your house, I suggest you call the police.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/10/2025 21:14

If any part of you think children would misss him or want to keep in touch if he behaves, then you could stop contact explaining why (without details so you don’t give your court evidence away!) and offer once a month supervised at contact centre of his choice, ask him to send dates.
At their age I wouldn’t send them, but I would keep clear records/diaries / emails to school safeguarding etc about what you’re doing and why to cover yourself against parental alienation allegations

Bourneo · 18/10/2025 21:15

If you think he's going to turn up then get a ring door bell if hit can afford it. Best thing I've done for peace of mind. Keep all doors locked and phone police if he comes. Do not answer door. Get it all logged with women's aid too.

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