Am I right to regret ever sleep walking into becoming my partners carer?

[RakshaUK]

It started with getting up in the early hours to help him put his socks on to go to work. Then he developed leg ulcers, so showers became a performance because the dressing on the ulcers couldn't get wet, so I had to help putting a waterproof sleeve over them.
Then, about 15 years ago he started to develop a lump in his groin, GP thought it was a lipoma, said it could be removed when it became a problem. About 5 years ago - 2020 it was limiting his mobility to such an extent he couldn't walk from his disabled parking space to his desk (they did look at moving his desk under reasonable adjustments but it wasn't thought to be reasonable because they IT dept needed to be able to communicate easily). So the week before we went into lockdown, he took early retirement!
Basically he sat in his chair all day, wouldn't do anything else, and complained that he was losing his mobility. I pointed out on an almost daily basis that if he didn't use it, he'd lose it. GP sent a lovely chap to try and motivate him, he'd agree to all the tasks, then not do anything about them.
He's been referred to 3 different surgeons with regard to the removal of the lump (which is now so big it hangs like a good sized pumpkin between his knees), one took a look at his belly, which hangs infront of it after losing about 5 stone, and declared it was a pannus not a lipoma!
We've since moved and our current surgery are trying to get a MultiDisciplinaryTeammeeting together, including him, and me to act as his advocate, since July! He's spent 4 weeks in hospital with cellulitis.
What is really getting to me is his attitude towards me. E seems to do as little as possible and leaves me to clear up after him.I'm not one of nature's nurses, I feel like a caged animal listening to his moans and cries, and of course he must feel worse...
So WHY WONT HE DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
Even his nurses say he's got to be a squeaky wheel and on the phone to the GP Surgery every day. He does nothing to help himself, or me. I'm 65, older than him, with my own mobility issues (I use a power chair outside if I have to), I'm also type 2 diabetic and recently diagnosed ADHD and Autistic. I also have many incidents of trauma in my life which haven't all been put to bed. His nurse today suggested he make me a cup of tea every day (I have a shower stool out there to sit on when I'm cooking or washing up that he could use) doing that would double his step count for the day!
He passes wind, and doesn't apologise. He leaves shitty finger prints every where (he will go to the toilet for poos, but doesn't wash his hands) Wees he has to do by standing up while I shove a washing up bowl underneath him (the lump means he sprays wee everywhere and dribbles if he's anywhere near wanting to go when he walks) He can't wear underwear or incontinence pads because of the lump, trousers are a thing of the past, so he has a blanket across his knees to hide everything.
I like our house, i like sharing it with my two dogs and two cats. I have just had it up to here with being his carer.

OP would you miss him if you left him? How would your sons react?

Just stop doing things for him, let nature take its course.
Problem solved.

We dont have wills, the property is Joint Tennancy and yes, i have documentation for his Private Pension to pass to me.
The 2 youngest sons are his.

I think this man has knowingly backed himself into a corner where the only satisfaction he gets out of life is via attempting to make his partner as wretched, miserable and disgusting as he is.

Kindly, I think you are underestimating the hassle you might face without him having a Will or your/his sons having POA.

Having had to manage 2 elderly parent's estates, with Wills and POA, I can assure you that everything needs documentation, from changing utility accounts to anything else that needs changing.

You can't just access his savings or any accounts by saying 'I'm his son' or 'I'm his partner'.

I'm not sure about whose sons are whose- Or are all 3 sons from your relationship with this man? Or is your older son yours from a previous relationship?

I'd implore you to talk to Age UK about the finances, take advice and don't assume you can simply access his money because you are his partner or because he has sons.

Change is one of the hardest things to deal with when you have ADHD/Autism.
He will change for a few days or weeks when I have a meltdown, but it doesn't last.
I stopped working in my mid 50s when what i know now as the double whammy of ADHD and menopause hit, alongside dealing with my youngest issues at school led to my second breakdown. I dont have savings to speak of, impulsive spending is the worst aspect of my ADHD. So renting somewhere else is out of the option.
Yes, I've had that talk, several times, he promises to change (and in fairness, he now showers occasionally and makes an attempt to keep his bottom half clean with adult wet wipes) but it slips back again normally. I can smell his bedroom again, which he claims it's the urine he decants from the bowl he keeps in his room for overnight use, he says he pours it into a screw top jug with some camping toilet solution, so I don't understand why it smells...
I think he realises I may leave, but relies on my dread of change to prevent me

We've never married because we haven't felt the need. We have both been married before so we're well aware that being married doesn't keep you together, but makes splitting up very messy. There's so little of any worth apart from the house in our lives now (apart from his collection of airfix models, his train collection and his Magic cards collection) . That would all go to the boys anyway.

I’d leave. He’s disrespectful and disgusting and that is nothing to do with his health.
You sound so unhappy.
Life has got to be better than this.
Please leave.

I think you need to talk to a counsellor and decide where you go from here.(You can also get specialised counsellors or coaches who can help you navigate change with your ADHD.)

But please also talk to someone out the finances. You're refusing to engage with the reality of your partner dying intestate.

You asked if you're unreasonable. No, you're not.
But the point is- what do you actually want?

You appear to have used this thread to gain sympathy but not accept any advice that you get out of the relationship.

The odds are nothing will change so your choices are to accept this is your life, or do something to change it.

Why aren't your family in on all of this and helping?
Do they see their father at all?

Sounds an awful situation, that’s gradually developed. Of course, couples should care for each other when disabled or unwell. But he’s clearly not trying hard enough to care for himself, perhaps because he’s spiralled down via depression.

But, whatever the explanation, the outcome is he’s not respecting you or your needs.

In your situation, I’d be having a firm chat with him to ask for his preferred solution, because I‘d make it clear I couldn’t continue living as you are.

The solutions would have to be either separate living arrangements, where you do a limited amount of care but still have time for yourself. Or you continue cohabiting and he starts to look after himself more, respects household hygiene and your boundaries and accepts more outside help, i.e. to sort out his bedroom.

For example, what would he do if you suddenly died? Whatever his answer is, that’s what he should be doing now but with the added bonus of you still being around.

Hope you get it sorted.

That may be the case, but the amount left in his account isn't really going to make a huge difference to the family. Both my parents left wills, as did his father, but his step brothers found it and destroyed it, so everything went to their mother. They didnt even tell him his father had died. He found out several years later through a family friend (they'd been estranged for some years over a 'misunderstanding ' one Christmas) having a will hasn't been the be all and end all.
The oldest is my son from a previous marriage. He has 2 sons from his previous marriage who were adopted by his ex wife's second husband.

Kindly, that's irrelevant. HIS parents were married presumably, and you are not.
And if you're not rolling in money, having even £10K would make a difference.
How do you expect to get it out of his accounts?

I've asked my GP to sort out post diagnosis counselling, but at the moment the surgery and the organisation who provided my diagnosis are arguing about whose responsibility it is.
To be fair, I did only post asking if I was being unreasonable, I didn't ask for the advice. Things get to a head every so often and I blow up, called a meltdown. Sympathy is nice, it's comforting, but I'm not asking for it, so it's rather refreshing to read your response.
My sons quite rightly rarely get involved in our issues and haven't done for some time. Perhaps they too think I'm only looking for Sympathy?

By going through the intestate process, although I wouldn't get anything except for his half of the house.

I don't understand your point.

If he dies intestate, how would you or his sons access any of his accounts? You have to appoint an administrator and it's a complicated process.

Whose name are all the household bills in?

Council tax, water, utilities, any insurance (house insurance), etc?

My sons quite rightly rarely get involved in our issues and haven't done for some time. Perhaps they too think I'm only looking for Sympathy?

Quite rightly?

He's their father.

At the very least they would ,we hope, be pushing his medical situation forwards to get him his surgery or help you to get help.

I've asked my GP to sort out post diagnosis counselling, but at the moment the surgery and the organisation who provided my diagnosis are arguing about whose responsibility it is.

You can access counselling yourself without your dr doing it, if you can afford it.
BACP has a list according to region and specialities.

Basically yes, that's my plan. But as we all know, man makes plans and God laughs at them (and I'm not religious).
No, it's a small 3 bed bungalow with one shower room.
We're still waiting for the local authority to put a ramp up to the front door so ambulance can get their trolley up to the front door and have the front door widened so they can get one inside the house. That process started 2 and a half years ago.

Yes, you are.
Very sorry.
The thing is, you don't owe anyone caring, you might owe yourself the life you want to choose, because ultimately you didn't ask to be born and dealt with all the stuff.
Maybe it does sound cheesy, I don't know.
However, ever since childhood (now 46), I knew I would rather walk away (like these men people sometimes mention) and not be found by anyone, than being burdened by another person to care for.
To explain, I never had any kids, largely financed my own life and moved away to another country, so I don't have to spend time with (emotionally abusive) parents and other people who didn't bring anything worthwhile into my space.
Simple.

Just to add, please leave, if you practically can.
If I make it to 65, I firmly hope there isn't gonna be any other person's face in my apartment.
Please put yourself first.

Whose house is it?

He needs to improve what can be improved. I cared for my late husband for a long time. It’s hard, but I don’t begrudge a minute. If you love someone that’s what you do, and to abandon someone because of disability is awful, but he also has to play his part.

You are on your own so you have to look after yourself. Relying on his death to provide some money is not a career move. There needs to be a will and a poa. It needs to be asap because if he dies of infection or as a result of surgery you can't access anything. His children don't want cards or airfix models but everyone wants money and you can bet his children will be interested in half the house. How do you know they will let you stay there? His hygiene/personal care has become your responsibility. Who would do it if you suddenly died or became ill? He isn't going to do anything for himself because he doesn't want to. We all feel for you but it's time to break out of this situation as hard as that will be

If they are joint owners and 'tenants in common' she will own all of the house. But it needs to be cast iron and she needs to make sure this is what will happen.

Read ALL by OP- it's there.

Why do you need a ramp for an ambulance? He's not going anywhere from what you've said.
Paramedics can access a house without ramp.

The problem isn't that you're his carer its that you're his unpaid servant, e.g. slave. As you point out there are things he could do to help himself. He sounds deeply unpleasant and in your situation I'd leave him to it.