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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at close friends moving

49 replies

pussinboots61 · 11/10/2025 18:13

Maybe I am being over sensitive about this but I do suffer from anxiety and always tend to overthink and assume the worse case scenario.

A married couple who are close friends of mine, in fact more like a second family, have sold their house and have put an offer in for somewhere in another town, they have already sold their own house after two years of it being on the market. This town isn't too far away but to me it is still another town. They say they haven't been able to find anything suitable in our city.

I worry about not being able to see them as much and them not being able to visit me. as I depend on them a lot. They have assured me that this place is only half hour away from where I live as it is just on the edge of this other town and not too far away, plus there is a bus that goes straight through. To me though it is another town.

When they found out that they had sold their house they told me they wouldn't put an offer in for this other place if were to upset me and they would look for somewhere in our city. I know that they really want this place and I couldn't be put in that situation where they lost it because of me and then didn't find anything else and lost the sale on their house. So they have now put in an offer and I feel depressed and upset. I know it is their decision and I respect that but I can't help the way I feel. Some people who I work with live in this town and commute OK every day but I still feel its far away.

Another issue is that they have always said if they moved they could find somewhere with a 'granny flat' so that I could move with them if I wanted and they wouldn't charge me much rent. I have always been wary of this because I live in a Council property now which is secure and I wouldn't want to give that up or my independence. I now worry that they might want me to move to this place with this which has an upstairs area (its a bungalow) which is seperate and could be used as a flat. I wouldn't want to move out of our city anyway.

I might be overthinking this but just wanting some advice.

OP posts:

youalright · 11/10/2025 19:18

Im sorry that is rubbish but it will be ok you will still see them don't give up your council house.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 11/10/2025 19:19

What do you mean…they are friends but you depend on them.
They don’t owe you anything, why are you thinking they should be at your beck and call.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/10/2025 19:21

My advice would be never to make yourself too dependent on one person or couple. And that applies whatever situation you're in. What if they get ill, what if their family get ill and they have to care for them, what if they get a job opportunity somewhere else, what if you fall out etc

suburberphobe · 11/10/2025 19:22

Sorry to say but you sound very needy.

People can and do move to anywhere they want, for job opportunities, family, etc.

No. Never give up your council house and get out and about a bit more

Opal888 · 11/10/2025 19:24

This is really odd. I would suspect they are moving to try and get some space from you. This is a very unhealthy and abnormal attachment

NellieElephantine · 11/10/2025 19:26

I thought I recognised username and remembered previous posts where you were very upset that your siblings weren't taking care of you and looking after you to the level you expect.
What care are you needing from these friends?

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 11/10/2025 19:37

Thanks for your replies. I will try to answer in one post than rather than reply to everyone individually.

I had a very safe and secure childhood. I am an independent woman. I have been married and divorced twice and have lived on my own for twenty seven years now. I have got plenty of other friends and I have family. I don't have any children. I work full time and am out and about a lot. I am due to retire in three years time.

The couple who I am talking about are more like another family. They call me their sister. We bubbled together in the lockdown.

They are not moving home to get away from me. They are moving because their house is extremely cold in the winter, even when the heating is on full. They live in a nice house in a good area and would have no reason to move otherwise.

Them moving far away would be like my brother and his family moving away, It woulld be psetting and I think that's only natural when you are close to someone.

I do have mental health issues (for which I am having treatment), I don't have learning disabilities. I am not needy.

This couple are no more than very close friends who see me as a close friend too and not someone they want to get away from.

I realise that they need to move where they want to do and it is their life, which is why I would never get in the way of that.

They suggested a 'granny flat' merely to save me some rent but I prefer to be independent and have my own flat and I wouldn't give up the security of a Council flat, whatever the rent.

I realise they they are not moving miles away but I just feel sad that they are not staying in our city. They support me as a friend who is on her own. There is nothing strange or toxic about the friendship.

OP posts:

thisishowloween · 11/10/2025 19:41

But they're only moving half an hour away, and you're acting as though they're going to the other end of the country

Livpool · 11/10/2025 19:52

NellieElephantine · 11/10/2025 19:26

And being upset with friends. Op - you seem to rely on friends and expect them to behave a certain way. Just concentrate on yourself

DreamyTealGuide · 11/10/2025 19:55

they told me they wouldn't put an offer in for this other place if were to upset me

Are they your parents?

Because from"friends" thats' very very weird

DreamyTealGuide · 11/10/2025 19:56

I have seen your post after I posted

The couple who I am talking about are more like another family. They call me their sister. We bubbled together in the lockdown.

but that's still insane. I am an independent woman.
You couldn't be more the opposite of an independent woman!

MaiAamWaliHun · 11/10/2025 20:04

People always devalue the importance of friendship, say it should be less important that family or romantic relationship-- but why? Someone can be in your life for years, friendships can be integral and important. I have friends who have been in my life for 40 years, they are part of who I am. Of course you are feeling worried by this change, but I am sure you guys will find a new routine. Just give it time and soon you will see that you have not lost your friends and they are still there for you.

Livelovebehappy · 11/10/2025 20:05

wavingfuriously · 11/10/2025 19:15

Not toxic at all!😐 real friends love each other

Show quote history

Which is lovely. I have friends who I love dearly, but I would never expect them to consult me if they wanted to move. It’s an unhealthy co-dependency situation. I’m wondering whether they are just very nice, very kind generous people who are maybe trying to extract themselves from the relationship a little, as it has turned into something they’re not entirely comfortable with. They don’t appear to be following up with their initial offer of an annexe, as they are focussing on reassuring you that the travelling distance isn’t too bad, rather than implying you’re moving with them.

NellieElephantine · 11/10/2025 20:07

DreamyTealGuide · 11/10/2025 19:56

I have seen your post after I posted

The couple who I am talking about are more like another family. They call me their sister. We bubbled together in the lockdown.

but that's still insane. I am an independent woman.
You couldn't be more the opposite of an independent woman!

Very much this!

Mushrump · 11/10/2025 20:12

OP, I think you need to take a step back here. My siblings and I all lived in different countries for years. My closest friends are scattered all over. We’re still close. It’s really not at all normal for you to be upset and resentful that your friends moved cities to suit themselves.

EmeraldRoulette · 11/10/2025 20:12

@pussinboots61 I would love it if I had friends who kind of adopted me in the way that your friends have adopted you

So I do understand a little why you're upset, but it's only half an hour. And they're not gonna put pressure on you to move.

If they do pressure you, let me know, and I will go and be the adopted friend living in the granny flat 😊

I live alone, and I really am alone. You aren't sounding very independent to me.

InBedBy10 · 11/10/2025 20:14

Your feelings are valid.

Change can be unsettling. I know it's only half an hour away, but it's not the same. Hopefully, once they move and everything settles down, you will fall into a new routine. You might not see them as much but it sounds like they value you as much as you value them. Im sure they will continue to be a big part of your life.

Usya · 11/10/2025 20:16

try and reframe it as a good thing, as currently it does sound a bit enmeshed and codependent, with your worries about them moving only a short distance away but also that they wouldn’t put the offer in if it upset you and the granny flat situation. You can still be really good friends, but have that step back space which will also maybe make the visits more purposeful and meaningful vs just the norm

CherrieTomaties · 11/10/2025 20:18

I’m really not trying to sound patronising here OP, but I think you really need to discuss this with a therapist.

To be this upset about your friends moving half an hour away is totally irrational. It sounds like you depend on them way too much.

scoobysnaxx · 11/10/2025 20:25

Sorry OP, your update just conflicts everything you said in your OP.

You send you DEPEND on them. WHY?

Them saying they would not move/buy that house if it were to upset you, is not normal. I don’t know any adults who would hinge moving on whether a friend was happy or not about it. Odd.

As PP said, you really need to take a step back from their friendship as from your OP you do come across as needy and codependent.

I was really expecting your update to say you have disabilities and depend on them for help or something.

DreamyTealGuide · 11/10/2025 20:28

MaiAamWaliHun · 11/10/2025 20:04

it's not devaluing friendship not to confuse them with "carers". It's not about being "less important" but there's a minium of independence.

Friends have their own life, it's not healthy to expect them to buy a house around you.

It would be already a bit intense for parents to be so attached to their own children (or vice-versa) but just friends?

whimsicallyprickly · 11/10/2025 20:32

Livelovebehappy · 11/10/2025 20:05

Show quote history

This ^

I think you're being very naive, OP. These people are creating distance because they find your neediness grating

Marble10 · 11/10/2025 20:46

Honestly, they would never tell you this but it seems they may have moved on purpose. 30 mins is not far regardless, I do 30 mins to drop my DC off to school everyday.

I don’t think them telling you one thing then doing another has helped though (saying they wouldn’t put an offer in if it upset you but do it anyway).

SkaneTos · 11/10/2025 21:53

@pussinboots61
Thank you for the update, and some more information.
It seems like you and your friends are very close, and it's natural to feel sad about them moving away.
You will probably feel better soon, when you have gotten used to the thought of them not living nearby anymore. You can still have a great friendship, it will just be different from before.

I wish you all the best!

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