A much older friend and not enjoying the friendship

[LunaTheCat]

I have a much older friend.. when I met her she was living with her husband who has subsequently died.
She has moved from the small town where she lived to the nearest city.. 40 mins away from me.
I have always felt very obligated to her. I find her needy.
She has got very elderly very early
I have taken her away overnight, I organise to take her to concerts . I think I have been very kind.
I visit her when I am in the city … usually late afternoon. I am starting to dread visits. Her house is an absolute mess. When I am there we have a cup tea and she watches TV.
This weekend she wanted me to take her to an event .. it would have meant using up most of my day. I came under pressure and said “no”.
She has 2 sons and a daughter in law who visit.
My job is a big load .. I work in health and do visiting her feels like a “busman’s holiday”.
I would rather not go at all but I also don’t want to hurt her feelings!
I am thinking stepping back slowly.
‘What would you do?

Yeah, I wouldn't be doing that. Doesn't sound like a friendship. What are you getting out of it? Does she provide good company? Emotional support? Interesting conversation? I'd just be very busy for a long time.

I was a befriender for an elderly lady, I’d visit every Saturday morning for about 2 hours, take her out for coffee every few weeks. It started off ok but after about 6 months I began to dread it. She had no friends for a reason.

Hopefully once you pull back a bit and feel less obligated you might enjoy seeing her again. And if going to her house is a downer maybe you could suggest a cafe or the cinema or something that suits your interests better.

Needy friends are a real drain. They are experts in making some other personality types responsible for them, that is the skill they have mastered.

Look towards the types of people who step back from these personality types and do what they do.

It sounds like you're more of a carer, at least a social one. If you're feeling able to, step back. It won't do you any good if you're not enjoying it. She's not your responsibility and friendships are meant to be reciprocal. It doesn't sound like that to me. What you do get out of it? If nothing, then step away.

I’ve stepped away quietly from a ‘friendship’ like this very recently. There was no big fanfare, I just made myself less available.

Thank you everyone. I have become a carer. She is not someone who I would have chosen as a friend .. different politely views and views about the world. I enjoyed her late husbands company.
I try as much as possible to take her out .. lady’s suggesting coffee, lunch .. she is often content at home but I find her small flat incredibly oppressive.
I feel guilty but she is not my responsibility.
I am going to step back.

Yes the friendship has just run its course and you can back away now. All the best x

Hi op it is difficult. I have a friend who has become totally obsessed with the conflict in the middle east over time and it is all she speaks about Friend is part of an online forum about the middle east so discusses daily developments with her online buddies every day and night. She has never met her online friends in person. When I meet her now this is the conversation and friend doesn't really ask about my life at all. Friend doesn't drive and its a 35 minute drive each way to see her. Decided on the drive back last time that I can't do it anymore I feel I am visiting only for her, not for me. I think the slow fade is the way to go. Just say work has stepped up because someone has left, so you are having to do more overtime. It is harder to make friends these days and when you are older, which is why I have put up with things as long as I have, but our conversations are starting to feel uncomfortable now.