Exhausted

[KatMansfield6]

My 9 month old has been sleeping really badly for the last week or so. She's been unwell and we've been travelling and her routine has been really disrupted.

Tonight I feel so incredibly unwell. I was cooking earlier and could hardly lift my arms and now I have really bad muscle pain across my whole body. I can't think straight.

I'm back at work on Monday and terrified -- there is no way im fit to work at the moment.

I'm co sleeping with her as I really struggled to get her in a cot so even when she's sleeping better I don't think I sleep as deeply as I used to. DH has been sleeping in a different room as he has a demanding job and I have been on maternity leave. I generally breastfeed her back to sleep and she won't settle with him at all -- if he goes in to resettle her in the evening she screams and screams for me.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I'm just so tired that I don't feel like myself. I'm falling apart physically and mentally and now I have to start working full time too. A few days ago DH said that our relationship is struggling because we aren't sleeping together, because of my failure to get her sleeping independently. But I don't know how to do it.

Tell dh to move back into your room so- I’m not being smart or sarcastic, just say it. And if he says anything else is because of you say ok so what should we do. We. His baby too. And go to the doctor and get a sick note to give yourself a few days. Also talk to people including your dh and ask for help/ tell them you’re struggling. Big mumsnet hugs op

It's the classic DH problem. You are about to both be working so it's not all you problem. I would split 50/50 nights now

Oh my love I feel for you, it's awful being so bone tired you can't think straight. I had two non sleepers, both neuro divergent so there's reasons and I'm sure yours isn't the same. But I had 10 years of no sleep and it messes with your health, your head, everything.

Firstly, it's not your failure! Babies don't sleep. Sorry! Your DH needs to stop whining and help more! 9 months is the worst, if she did sleep ok, it'll come again, travel and disruption don't help but it won't last forever.

Can you rest at the weekend? Does she nap? Can you go back to bed then? At that age my children were still in with me my 10 year old is in my bed right now but ignore that but I took the side off the cot and attached it to the bed so I could sort of move him over to give me more space once he was asleep, I breastfed till he was 2.5...it was the only way to sleep once I was back at work when he was 9 months. I went back full time teaching and I can't lie, it was hard, but I slept whenever I could, rested as much as possible, I batch cooked and did easy food, the house went to shit but we survived. I had a 5 year old and a useless husband (now ex) he left it all to me, ignored me when I was laying with my son for hours trying to get him to sleep and trying to settle my 5 year old simultaneously, left everything to me because his job was sooo much more important than mine. Not saying this to compete, but you might want to make sure your DH knows that these years are the hardest for everyone and he needs to stop blaming you, and take on as much as he can to support you as a family. Or he will make things worse, not you. Guilting you won't make it better.

Do you need to drive to work? If so, you have to try to get rest, stay hydrated and eat well to stay well. If not, sleep on the commute? Ask for family and friends to help if you can? Do the bare minimum at work? Enjoy the hot drinks and child free time once you're there at least?

I have a very clear memory of parking up in the street outside my childcare and sleeping in the car for 20 mins before I picked up my daughter, just to make sure I could drive home safe.

Just do what you need to do to get through the first few days, ignore everything else, including your DH if you have to, he might have a demanding job but so do you, two jobs by the sounds of it, his is to make your life easier. If he's getting a full night's sleep then he takes her once she wakes up so you can catch up on sleep.

This too shall pass, remember that, it's not forever.

Oh and I get it with the not settling for him, it's sometimes easier to do it yourself, I couldn't listen to them screaming when he tried to settle them, but sometimes I made him take them out for a walk or something so I didn't have to, pacing round the streets in a sling or buggy in the dark. With a dummy if necessary.

But if you're really the only one who can, then he needs to take up the slack.

And yes, you're going to have sick days, lots of them, either you will be, through needing rest, or bugs, or the baby will so you'll need to take care of her. Your work will just have to understand. No job is worth your health.

Thank you so much - I just needed some sympathy I think, pathetic though that sounds.

Things are tricky with my DH at the moment, for various reasons, but I've found it hard to really assert my needs in maternity leave. It's difficult to hand her over when I know he is up and out of the house early and I can theoretically rest/sleep in (though I feel like she is so active that's pretty impossible though these days). I don't really have any family help so it's pretty much all been on me. I've accepted that as I'm off work but I'm feeling incredibly burned out. Once I'm back at work it will need to be much closer to 50/50 but I don't even know how to transition to that suddenly when we have been about 95/5 up to now.

In some ways being back at work may be a bit more restful, and I don't have to drive thankfully. Just being able to sit and have a coffee uninterrupted! But I have a very emotionally fraught job and I'm worried about my ability to cope with that -- I'm so tired my emotions are all over the place.

Oh of course you do need sympathy, it's understandable!

First, sleep. Is she asleep now? My son hasn't slept more than 6 hours a night all week so as a result I've got about 4 hours a night, and I'm so done in, but am I in bed now? The fuck I am, I'm drinking wine and procrastinating! Go to bed if she's asleep!

Then, work out a schedule with DH, an hour or so to yourselves after work on a rota so you can get a nap in if necessary. Split cooking, split housework sod the housework and make sure you stick to it. Then deal with weekends. Half a day each alternating for the first few weeks where the parent in charge for that 6-8 hours doesn't ask the other for anything to do with looking after the baby, the 'off parent ' gets to sleep, have a bath, whatever. Might feel like shift work but you're in it for a long time, not a good time.

Give it a couple of weeks then reassess. You might find them she's settling into not being with you all day and you can do more things together, or get her into a cot. There's no timeline with children though! Just take the path of least resistance and tell anyone who tells you their child was sleeping through or that you're making a rod for your own back etc to go fuck themselves (nicely, you might want them to babysit!)

And make sure DH knows that dads who don't step up end up lonely in a bedsit when their wives have had enough of managing by themselves.. mine did and it's so much easier without a man child to look after too

Go to sleep! It'll all be better with some sleep, I promise! (Off to take my own advice 😂)