Should I say something

[Inmyhouse]

Ex and I have been spilt for 2 years, share a 6 year old son who was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year, we are just starting the ADHD assessments now, after a 2 year wait. Ex hasn't bothered to be involved in any assessments, our co parenting relationship (if you can call it that) is super strained, we don't talk at all, I gave up after months of trying to communicate, I found it was taking energy out of me, and away from my son.
Ex moved on straight away after relationship ended, he's on gf number 2 but they have been together for a year now.
Hardly sees our son, calls maybe every 10 days, sees him once a month for 6 hours, and pays no maintenance, claims he isn't working but I know he works cash in hand, luckily for me I have a successful business and can support myself, so I chose not to go down that route, the stress is not worth the £175.00.

Anyway last Saturday my ex and his gf came to collect our son for monthly visit. I always try to do a handover but he shuts me down, tells me it's not my concern where he is taking our son (to some extent he's right) but as primary parent and my son's ASD I try to communicate as I know my son can be triggered by certain things, he is able to communicate very well but if he kicks off he can become aggressive and it's awful to watch.

I asked my ex if he was taking him swimming (they using swimming) and he told me no, so I didn't handover the swim bag.
My son returned 45 mins later than asked for (he always does this, picks up late returns late)
As soon as my ex closed the door and said he's goodbyes my son said the following
I hate daddy's gf I don't want to see her again
Me - why? What happened
They made me have a shower after swimming and I tried to tell them no, but daddy held me a d she washed me, I don't want to see her again.

I rang my ex, he didn't answer so I sent a text saying 'you know xxx doesn't like showers, I have told you numerous times die to sensory issues. Please dont force him into that situation again'

I heard nothing back until yesterday (Thursday) my ex called wanting to speak to our son, son refused, I tried to facilitate but my son stated again that he did not want to talk to daddy, nor see his gf and he didn't like her washing him.
He then told me they all got changed in the cubicle together and get saw her "boobs"

He has only met my ex's gf 7 or 8 times over the last year, I feel it's inappropriate to be getting changed in front of him.

My ex sent a text saying he thinks I'm putting words into our son's mouth and I'm "loving" this situation. I haven't done so, nor am I loving the situation, every month there seems to be more drama.

I'm tempted to say about the changing room situation, but I don't want to be "petty"
AIBU to think my ex and potentially his gf have handled this wrong

No apology or open conversation about our son's needs either - my sister is a social worker, she has advised me to keep my son away from dad until he communicates clearly about his needs
AIBU to do this
She thinks something bigger will happen

For the record, I've tried co parenting app, didn't respond, communication book, didn't take the book let alone what I wrote in it.

I feel for you. You’re in a very difficult position because you can’t have the open dialogue you need, alone. But also your son is likely benefiting from having a relationship with his dd even with the odd hiccup like the one you described. I would continue trying to communicate your son’s needs as clearly as you can. Sounds frustrating.

Would you call it a ‘hiccup’ if it was mum’s new boyfriend, rather than dad’s new girlfriend washing a six-year-old in the shower and getting naked with them in a changing room?

I think it’s massively inappropriate and creepy.

The changing part wouldn't bother me. At that age, there isn't anything creepy or inappropriate about it. Communal changing rooms are common and he is going to see naked men (and occasionally some women) as a young boy. If he was a teenager it would be different, but a 6 year old? not a problem.

The showering part is more inconsiderate. Honestly if it were me, I just wouldn't make an effort. I know there is the line of thought that you should facilitate the relationship and help him keep contact with his dad. But personally, I wouldn't force it at all. If the dad wants to do things that the son doesn't like, and then their relationship gets strained? That is his fault - You can't force the dad to be a good dad, and you can't force your son to love a bad dad.. All you can do is be there for your son as their relationship deteriorates. He will realize who loves and cares for him, and who doesn't.

I wouldn't force a relationship with his dad tbh. If he doesn't help financially then he's a pretty rubbish father! Listen to your son and don't pressure him. My ex SonIL has only ever seen my darling GC for 24hrs once a month and they only ever sat indoors with his new family or went food shopping. Now GC is 17 they have a life and don't want to waste it at dad's so it's probably only once in school hols now. The non-resident parent ends up with the relationship they deserve so give your son a big cuddle and leave it for a bit.

@NJLX2021 that was my thought process at first in regards to the cubicle, it never really bothered me, it was only when others said it was a little strange.
The showering part and the fact I know my son would have said no (he said he escaped and ran back to the swimming pool area) really upsets me, he clearly didn't want to and I've told my ex several times he doesn't like showers due to sensory issues but it still happened.
If ex apologised and tried to make things right then we can move forwards but right now he's not acknowledging that he done anything wrong.

Now, DS is saying he hates her and doesn't want to speak to dad because he hates dads gf. I've told him hate is a strong word, but he is allowed to feel sad and unhappy about what happened and I'm sure daddy is sorry, but he still doesn't want to know - he won't speak to him.
Thank you, it's all such a mess

@BauhausOfEliott the showering part did bother me, I don't think either of them has any boundaries. Dad was always useless and I think he's using her as a "replacement" mum
He has already said during the school holidays she will be looking after him, as he will be working however he's been sacked from several jobs over the last year for not going into work (he works as a scofflder, cash in hand) and takes numerous days off.

I don't think it would be reasonable to stop contact but I would ask him to attend mediation to speak about the issues in your co parenting relationship and why he's not willing to do that handover (for example does it come across like you are telling him how to parent) as it can be so easy between co parents for something to be taken the wrong way and agree a system for communication that works for both of you or what could improve the co parenting relationship so that you can communicate. But ultimately you are going to have to accept he'll do things his way and you'll do things your way.

@CinnamonBuns67 I offered him medation 4 times, the most recent a month ago. Everytime he said yes, then when the mediator tried to call him he didn't answer or said no he's not going to engage.
I've offered co parenting apps, communication book, a third party all have failed (third party being his mum but even she finds him hard and difficult)
He's let him down more times than I care to mention, told him he was coming then didn't turn up.
On two occasions he's collected at 12, then didn't feed him lunch until close to 5 (drops him back late) so he goes all day without food.

I don't get involved unless the wellbeing and safety of my son is a concern, I've learnt to choose my battles with him and I let alot go.
But I do feel like this is just building up and up, and he doesn't seem to see what is going wrong

He sounds like a right idiot, no wonder your DS doesn't want to see him.

I never understand when people say 'they still need a relationship with x parent'. Why, when x parent doesn't care about their needs and is an idiot ?

Like pp your ex has made this situation so DS now doesn't want to see/speak to him. I imagine if DS doesn't speak to him a few times on the phone he will soon stop turning up anyway

Sorry for being ignorant about ASD and I am not sure how distressing it would be for him, but just from another point of view, my child caught a skin condition from not showering at a swimming pool.. so it is very important

@Damnd I always wipe him over with baby wipes and fully dry when out the swimming pool, health visitor has already said this is fine and catching skin conditions is rare, that was my worry. He would always have a bath as soon as home anyway.

He does not like the sensation of the water on his skin from a height, he prefers to be submerged (hence why swimming, baths are not an issue) he would scream, kick, hit, run away (he's slipped in the shower once and hit his head) therefore it's a dangerous and distressing situation for all.

The inconsistency, lack of contribution, lack of consideration of his needs, not feeding him, allowing a new girlfriend he doesn’t really know to shower him and see her naked… the lack of engagement or attempt to coparent - I wouldn’t be killing myself to facilitate this. I’d see a solicitor to clarify my legal position but I wouldn’t be forcing my son to see or engage with a father like that if he didn’t want to. I’d reply to his recent text to explain that you’re trying to explain your son’s needs and he listening to him and that is causing your son distress which is why he doesn’t want to speak to him right now. I definitely wouldn’t tell him he can’t see him but I’d make sure I write everything in a text - or keep records of all of this. Treat everything as potential evidence for court - not that I think for one minute he would take you to court to force access.
Really sorry about this.

My autistic son eventually stopped contact with his dad - as his dad refused to acknowledge he was autistic and the adjustments that required .

however - regarding swimming . I would not allow my child to swim if they were not going to shower after. It’s unhygienic - swim pools are pretty gross and showering after is standard practice .

I think being forcibly showered down by a relative stranger is high on the trauma scale to be totally honest. Who the F does she even think she is?

Let him take you to court
He can explain to a judge why he isn't making the necessary adjustments for ds's issues with things ex will declare are 'normal' like a shower after swimming..
If he is in denial about your ds's diagnosis then ds will suffer more as he grows up and is with his df..

Update
He actually called yesterday, wanted to speak and apologize, which he did. I don't think he fully understands tbh but he said he wilk give our son some space. He also said he will see our son on his own going forwards. I did say if he is building a life with his new GF and it's a long term relationship then that isn't expected, for her to be kept away, but maybe he should build a relationship with his son first, as a. If he knew his son, that wouldn't have happened and b. If he communicated with me that wouldn't have happened.
My ex did move on very very quick after we spilt (4 days, was living with her within 3 weeks) he was and still is more focused on chasing women and finding a replacement, the first gf he introduced after 2 weeks just before he moved in with her. He also introduced his current gf 3 months after meeting her.

I suppose I'm asking how do we go from here, how do we reintroduce his gf again when my son is currently saying he doesn't want to see her?
Any tips

@user0345437398 agree, I think this will be forever etched into his memory - whatever happened, how it went down really upset him

I would take your sisters advice. Your ex doesn’t seem overly bothered about his child given that he sees him so infrequently. He’s probably only doing it now to impress his new gf. I’m a firm believer that the kids wellbeing should trump the parents wants, especially when they are as childish and feckless as your ex seems to be. He doesn’t respond to you so match his energy. Don’t reply when he contacts you and see where it goes from there. Your son is expressing that he doesn’t want to see his dad so I certainly wouldn’t be forcing it.