Do I fly home early and miss DM's birthday

[LoveASpritz788]

I live overseas, my parents begged me to come visit with my DS, 14 months. They last saw him when he was 6 months old. Lots of promises of help and childcare and how much they want to be grandparents. I flew 24 hours with a toddler, by myself, to be here.

Basically, they are a disappointment as grandparents. I am really struggling as I have less help than at home. At least at home, my DH pulls his weight and watches DS and spends time with him too. I can't have a coffee in peace, I only manage to shower around 11 when DS naps, I don't have all the things I have at home, don't have full access to the kitchen or supermarket (cooking and shopping is my mother's domain), and my parents are constantly asking me to help THEM with stuff.

I am meant to spend 4 weeks here but I really, really want to go home early. I am spending my entire annual leave allowance here, I am 10 days in and I'm exhausted. BUT...it's my mum's 58th birthday right before I am meant to leave. So leaving early is the nuclear option. What do I do?

I love my parents and we usually have a good relationship...but they shipped me off to be raised by my grandparents when I was 18 months old until I was 8, so I should have known they are not suited to caring for a toddler...

Leave early, 58th is nothing significant. Start looking up flights and packing.

If you're not happy, go home early. Is your toddler particularly tricky?

The birthday is a red herring, it's not important. Your parents don't enjoy kids, and don't like raising or interacting with them as demonstrated by your upbringing, so I'd be flying home.

I'd give them a chance with a frank conversation about how you are feeling. Give them a few days then go.

This!

Sounds like your parents have just got you over to help them out with stuff!

They sent you to be raised by others so to my mind you don’t own them anything.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter not sure, he is VERY active to be fair. He's been walking since 10 months!

But my mum disappears for TWO hours every other day to do laundry (she's always done this, it's her way to get "me" time). I spent my entire childhood and teenage years thinking laundry takes hours! She literally just sits mostly, and also invents all kinds of chores. She then spends hours in the kitchen, daily. Cooks very involved stuff. Goes to the supermarket, daily. Yesterday she was gone to the shops from 10am to 3pm.

She is VERY upset that DS has not taken to her but she has honestly not spent more than 10 minutes in one go with him. She also constantly tries to force him to do stuff he doesn't want i.e. she will interrupt him playing quietly to try to read him a book. So he gets annoyed, starts crying and runs to me.

DS is very keen on my dad but my dad actually does play with him lots. Unfortunately my dad is terrible at actually supervising DS for safety so he ends up getting hurt a lot more than average. So I have to be in the room.

I have to say Im not sure its reasonable to expect lots of help - aren't you just there to 'bond/ build relationsip' - i mean yes, exhausting and go when you want but I don't think i'd expect actual help/childcare.

I don't think so, I think that they don't realize how much work looking after DS is (kind of ironic) and that i don't have the headspace for them too. And they were very good parents when I was older and they did support me a lot at uni and as an adult.

I think they just have no clue about small children. They desperately want to be those doting grandparents that spoil their grandkids but they're not cut out for it.

I do genuinely have a good relationship with them. I knew they have never spent much time with toddlers but I thought they would make an effort for my sake.

Well, one, they promised it.

And two, I definitely expected them to look after him long enough for me to have breakfast and maybe go for a walk or see a friend. Not 8 hours of childcare day by any means but an hour here and there.

My gut is to say go home - but not until you’ve had a full, frank but gentle conversation about how different this visit has been versus what you (reasonably) anticipated. There won’t be another chance to have such a conversation & if you miss it I fear that all other future visits may be tainted with the fallout of this (you didn’t stay for the birthday, you didn’t help, etc etc). If you can resolve this & enjoy the remaining fortnight then it could be a wonderful thing for you all.