AIBU - my fantasy is to go to sleep & not wake up

[Muffassatt]

My life is feeling pretty shitty at the moment.

I am very fortunate in that I have a good job, own my own house & don’t have money worries.

However, I have two kids from two different Dads, neither of whom are in the picture due to the kids deciding to have nothing to do with them.

I have no family support & little friends support as not many of them are local.

I work full time, live my life to support my kids but literally nothing more than that. I have no pleasure / satisfaction in keeping going other than my kids are cared for.

I am sorry to hear how low you are. I’ve not much to help other than to remind you that life turns around suddenly and unexpectedly. You could be living your best life in 2 years ♥️

Hey, OP.

First of all I want to say that I'm sending you HUGE hugs. I get this feeling a lot and it's genuinely awful. It's not even a desire to be dead - it's like a desire to just stop existing and hope people will forget about you.

I hope things start looking up for you soon x

Same.

Sorry to hear that OP, you sound really depressed. Perhaps the GP or some counselling could help. Your life doesn't sound madly exciting compared to some people's, but it has potential for satisfaction and pleasure in many ways, eg spending time with your children, being interested in your work and your colleagues, going for walks, eating nice meals etc - but something is in getting in the way of you finding this satisfaction. I hope you can find a way out of this dark time.

Sorry op! There is happiness ahead for you but I can see things feel thankless now

Op can they be signed up to a Saturday morning club like stage coach to give you some me time to sleep or go to a jacuzzi or massage

Oh, I do know what you are talking about. Please see your gp and see what they say. Sometimes antidepressants really help to make you pull through (I'm on them and would be in bed 24/7 if not) but as you seem to still be able to physically function maybe therapy would help you. I feel so sorry for you because I know it all feels relentless. But we have children so we don't have the right to just give up on life. 🌷

Thanks for all the replies so far. I am drinking more than is healthy at the moment so that is the first thing on my list to tackle but I’ve been dealing with “a bad year” for 7 years & I’m almost at breaking point.

The fact that you haven’t shows that deep down you don’t want that. It’s a very final solution to a temporary problem.

reach out to support services x

I have been on antidepressants for approx 10 years, I’ve had copious amounts of therapy & I will probably seek out a new therapist to get a fresh perspective but sometimes it is what it is.

This is my first year of being a lone parent so not a single day off & I’m broken.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.💐

Just wanted to send a hug OP and that you sound like you are doing a great job . It’s really tough being a single parent and we are always last on the list of priorities ( even for ourselves). Maybe totally irrelevant but I’ve had waves of crushing lows and thoughts like you mention. I’ve realised It’s peri menopause . The crap things are still crap but the realisation has helped me manage them better.
I know it’s a cliche but can you carve out a little bit of time for yourself?
Also remember that you are actually accomplishing a hell of a lot!
The following is smug and possibly unkind but I sometimes read a ‘ my husband is away for a week- how do I cope’ thread and think- I do this 24/7 , I must be bloody amazing! Look after yourself.

Honestly I think if anyone ever feels the way OP is, they're allowed to feel smug when they feel like their life is going well or when they achieve something they thought they never would. I know I certainly do, and I feel the same way OP does, a lot of the time anyway. Celebrate victories. Some of them may be small to other people, but they might be huge victories to you!

Hi OP,

I too have 2 kids with different dads. One is completely out of the picture. The other is a sometimes takes him to soft play dad.

I had no family support (lived too far away) friends but not friends who could help. My children have disabilities so I was mum, carer and everything else.

I had done therapies, medication since I was 17, psych admissions, courses on mindfully eating an orange, depression booklets 🙄. But it didn't help. Because no one took enough time or interest to get into the route cause.

Last year I hit my breaking point. And I was nearly successful in an attempt to end my life.

Another hospital admission, but as it had been so serious, it was decided that I would move to a hospital near my family so I could see the kids, then stay with my family until I was well enough. I never slept another night in my old house. We moved close to family, children's services were better, mental health services were better and I was put on a year long Dialectical behaviour therapy course.

My quality of life is a million miles away from what it was. I have never in my life been this version of me. I have the knowledge to help myself. I know how my brain works, how it tries to sabotage me and why.

Please dont give up hope. I am living walking proof that it is possible to have a better life