Please bear with me as this is a long one! Feel I need to get it out somewhere.
I’ve been low contact with my parents for some time.
Had a pretty horrible childhood in a lot of ways. They were typical stately homes parents and would say they gave a wonderful childhood and we took you here, we did this, holidayed here etc etc. However I lived a childhood filled with bullying, being told I wasn’t good enough and endless arguments. They constantly fell out with neighbours, friends, family etc, always said people don’t like us because they are jealous of us etc.
As I’ve got older I realise they over-involve themselves in my life (and others lives too) and over a number of years and arguments I have gone low (and to some extent no) contact with them.
My eldest child used to have a strong relationship with them before I went low contact. I have never stopped them seeing my child but equally I don’t go out of my way to arrange it. My child is now of an age where they can state their own opinions and I will always take them into consideration, whatever the topic. They asked to see my child recently and I asked my child if they wanted to see them - they didn’t so I didn’t arrange it. I didn’t see the point in telling my parents my child didn’t want to see them, because what’s the point in causing unnecessary hurt on them, but equally I don't think lying if directly asked would be right either.
When my child has spent time with my parents they break simple boundaries I have put in place. For example if I specifically ask them not to do something they will do it anyway, my child will tell me and then I will say something and they will gaslight me by saying I never said not to do that, when I plainly did a lot of times. They will also say to my child repeatedly why don’t you come over for sleepovers, why don’t you ask mummy to let you etc. I feel like this is quite manipulative and I won’t allow my child to go for sleepovers anywhere I feel uncomfortable with. Where simple boundaries are being broken of course I won’t let my child go, as there is no trust there but they don’t seem able to grasp this concept.
During my pregnancy with my youngest I met with my mum and her reaction to my pregnancy was something I’ll never forget, not in a good way. She then said she wanted to be involved and wanted to improve our relationship. Fine. Except she then made no effort. I made an effort but it wasn’t reciprocated so in the end I gave up. When I gave birth and informed them probably her second sentence was to paraphrase, well it’s taken you a long time to tell me (it was the same day). They turned down an opportunity to see my youngest because my eldest wouldn’t be present. I feel like this is them yet again trying to control a situation. I have had a barrage of texts and a call telling me I use my children as a tool to hurt them, that I’m
a horrible person as have made her upset etc. It was not recognised that they failed to have any meaningful follow up or care to my youngest and me being in hospital for a prolonged period.
I’m not a perfect person and can be quick to react so have shouted on occasions. I haven’t always spoken to them respectfully but I recognised a pattern in my twenties where when we had an argument I always felt like I couldn’t go to bed with them unhappy with me and had to resolve it by saying sorry. This is a bad pattern to have as I over apologise in all aspects of my life even now because I had a childhood where I constantly feared upsetting them and where I’ve tolerated abuse from other people because although outwardly confident I don’t value my own worth.
The recent one sided conversations have set my emotional recovery from birth back and have left me an emotional wreck in some ways, to the point I will likely need to speak to a GP about postnatal mood. I’ve found them intensely triggering as I feel like I’m never making anyone happy in spite of my efforts. They’ve also angered my husband and he’s sick of me being upset by them. I don’t really want a relationship with my parents because I find them to be hurtful and self absorbed. They are never able to reflect on how they have been and keep saying they want to move forward without talking about the past but this is impossible for me. Not having a relationship however leaves me feeling guilty as a daughter and mum because my children might one day want a relationship with them. Anyone had a similar experience? I have so many examples of how they’ve behaved but don’t feel I can share them as already feels quite outing.
Sorry this is so long, once got writing it all came pouring out!